Footprints

Wrestling

2012-01-29T00:10:00.001-06:00

The last few weeks in my house have been crazy (not like that's anything new!) We had a 14 year old move in with us last weekend. Before she came, there was a 12 year old staying here for a couple of weeks, just until Sam moved in. Since then we had a 13 year old stay for a day. Lots of ppl in and out--kids, case workers, counselors, etc.

So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her. I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother. I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn. Really, much sadness has been in my home.

During this we decided to watch Courageous. Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)

I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?" Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them? How would my girls respond to this?

What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ?? How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me? If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before. They did not go well.

In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.

I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it. God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly. I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ. I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.

Thanksgivng

2011-11-29T20:04:00.001-06:00

Thankgiving--the time of year when we make a point to get together with family/friends and talk about our many things for which we are thankful...yes we should be thankful always, but this time of year we tend to reflect more on the blessings in life.

One of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions is to get together with my dad's side of the family at my cousin's house the saturday before or after Thanksgiving. We eat in the garage and share things we are thankful for from prompts (favorite modern convenience, time of year, etc). One of the things i most love is how many of our answers turn back to Christ. This year one of my cousins had the ? "what person in history are you most thankful for?" His answer was Christ, which is the answer for so many of us, but in this case--well, 2 years ago that would not have been his answer. His surrender to Christ has been recent and it brings me unspeakable joy to see and hear the difference Christ is making in his life--or in anyone's life.

Another tradition i have kind of adopted is to stay here in TN and have anyone who may not have a place to go, who may not have family around, get together for dinner. Some friends and I have adopted this tradition together. It is amazing to see the random families God brings to this event each year. This year we had 27 ppl gather, some whose families are out of state or not around, some who just needed a place to go.

Two days before Thanksgiving I got a call asking if I could take a girl whose Thanksgiving plans fell through. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to have to spend a holiday at the mercy of ppl you have never even met. She was very kind and helpful--a 14 yr old who threw the football with the guys, played well with all the kids and was as respectul as she could be.

I am thankful she was able to join us this year. Her presence also reminded me how blessed i am to have such great friends and family. I will always have a place to go home to, whether it is my brother's in NY, my mom's in GA, or a friend's here in TN. On the multiple occasions i have spent Christmas day here, I aways had multiple offers of places to go--ppl i know and love, not random strangers whom i have never met. Yet so often I take these friends and family for granted. I forget what a blessing it truly is to have them. This year, having foster children in my home, I am greatly reminded how God blessed me with the family He gave, with the friends He has made to be my extended family.

"Fix" it

2011-11-07T18:24:00.000-06:00

Many of my friends have husbands or dads who just want to "fix" everything. (my dad was like this) If they are sad, hurt, or frustrated the husband or father wants to offer a solution or take away the pain or problem, but many times this is not possible or actually what is needed.

Now, we all know I am not a "normal" girl (as some of my friends so graciously pointed out to me this weekend). I tend to have that same problem--i want to fix things for other ppl. I think we all ache when somone we love is in pain or is going through a hard time, but lately it seems most ppl around me are struggling in some way, whether it be with church, family, finances, the past, whatever. I just wish I could take away the pain and make it better. I have it in my head if I just say the right thing, it will make the difference. I can take away their pain or keep them from self destructing (if that is the case). Unfortunately, that is not so.

I think back to this summer when i was in such a miserable place. It seemed that all aspects of life were simultaneously falling apart. I knew (in my head) the right answers, but i couldnt quite get there. It didnt matter what anyone said, I had to wrestle it out with myself and with God on my own. That is where these ppl are, yet for some reason I think I can help them.

I was sitting in church on Sunday listening to the music. It was all about focusing on Christ and keeping Him in the center and it hit me--i am so wrapped up in trying to fix all these ppl, I am not focusing on God like I should. This summer I was so wrapped up in my kids and in other ppl i forgot to just reflect on Christ and who he is. Not only that, but nothing i can do or say is going to make a difference in the long run if they are not ready to hear it. And if i am not focusing on Christ myself, how am I going to point others in His direction.

My biggest problem is that i found myself actig like someone I am not. I was trying to push a conversation that was not supposed to happen, at least not yet. Why push it? B/c I thought i had some major insight that would make a difference. Please, who am i? I am giving myself waaayy to much credit.

I am not saying being a friend and listening or offering advice and challenges on occasion are not appropriate or needed. Those things are definitely needed! But I have to know that my words or actions are not going to change someone elses spiritual or emotional state. It can help them to know they are not alone and have somone to talk with or cry with, but apart from Christ I can do nothing for them...only with Christ working through me and in them can a difference be made.

I was trying to make it about me--to accept responsibility for things I have no control over. If someone wants to self-destruct or stay mad, nothing I say is going to convince them they are wrong (dont worry, i will still try, but i will hopefully listen to God's timing a little more instead of trying to force a conversation someone is not ready to have.

children today

2011-11-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

So, I pull up to school today and begin to worry when I do not see my child. Upon asking a teacher where she is, I learn she is in the office b/c of a "discipline issue." At my obviously shocked and beginning to get upset face, she quickly explained that Serina was the cussee, not the cusser. So, why is she being cussed out at school..at all?....

Lets start with yesterday when I picked her up. There was a girl mouthing off at her when i pulled in. I could tell somethng was up and wanted to put the child in her place b/c it was apparent she was being hateful, but I am not a teacher and did not know the situation. Well, no sooner was Serina in the car that she told me she was going to see the principal in the morning.

With a bit of investigating I learn this child who was mouthing off had been extremely hateful to her. They have never talked before and Serina said she was not even talking with her, she was talking to somone else (not that she is always truthful, and she can be sensitive). I told her to stay away from that girl--she is obviously not a happy child and is just wanting to start something so dont get anywhere near her; but if she did to tell a teacher immediately. I figured that should be possible since they have never talked before.

...so, back to today...

The way it would seem, according to the counselor is this...Someone asked Serina to come over where the girl was b/c she wanted to ask her a ?. She asked her if she was a "foster kid." Serina answered yes and the nice, well meaning child decided to tell her what she thought of "foster kids" in terms that well bred 11 or 12 year olds should not be using, much less even know.

Now, there may have been a bit more to it than that, but still...who does that? And I dont want to hear that junk about kids being kids or you know how mean kids are b/c honestly, most kids by nature are not that mean. They are selfish yes, but they become mean b/c they see it or experience it; and since my thoughts about this child and her upbringing are currently not nice and somewhat judgemental, I will keep them to myself and ask for forgiveness, but it truly angers me that she would have to endure comments like that.

The Best Thing Ever

2011-10-11T00:46:00.001-05:00

Okay, I know i am not a real parent, and I know I call all the kids I work with "my" kids, but these kids who are in and out of my house I definitely consider to be part mine. No, I did not give birth to them, but having them live in my house and put up with my rules has to give me some right to claim them at least a little ;~}

Like all parents, I go through many ups and downs with feeling like i may be damaging my kids more than helping them. But since i have no doubt whatsoever that God called me to do this, my frustrations are alleviated and I trust He will give me wisdom. Even with all the challenges, i do not regret inviting these kids into my home and sharing life with them.

As I look back over the past several months, i see an 11 year old who still has a ways to go, but is definitely not the same child who entered my house in March. It is amazing to see how consistency and having positive encouraging ppl in her life have begun to change her (thanks to my community group, church, family and neighbors). We still have many things to work through, but isnt that just how it goes?

Then I look back at the 17 year old who recently left my home to spend her senior year with a family in her home town. Boy did we have our ups and downs! But even with everything we went through, there was a glimmer of hope that something she learned while here, someone she met, made a positive difference. She talked about the ppl she met at Grace Park, how genuine they are in their faith. She saw ppl love her unconditionally, even though that didnt look the way she expected it to.

Well, last weekend I got a call from her. She told me the one thing every Christian parent longs to hear...last week, in her new foster home she accepted Christ! AWESOME! What else could a person want to hear? Even more amazing is the fact that as that was happening, both her RC and I were talking about how we wished she would surrender to Christ and praying for her, not knowing our prayers were being answered right then.

I asked Jessica if she felt different. She said yes. She said she always thought when she made that decision things would immediately be easier. She realizes that is not the case, but now when the choice comes up the answer is more clear than it has been in the past. She is finding joy in praising God for the blessings in her life. Oh, life will still be a challenge, but now she has the key to the answers. It is truly amazing!

There will always be ups and downs with our kids, but the absolute BEST thing in the world is knowing they have surrendered to Christ's call. May He guide their steps and draw them, and myself, closer to HIM each day!

Best and Worst

2011-08-13T15:58:00.000-05:00

So, usually while we are eating we have a "best" and "worst" time. Each of the girls has to say what was the best and worst part of the day (somehow i never say mine--they dont ask). The other day I had an extra 12 year old (b/c sometime they call and need an emergency respite for someone). It was just Serina, she and I eating and I asked best and worst for the day...

When it came Tracy's turn (the 12 year old who is many ways is much older) her answer for worst was realizing she is homeless. And I think i have bad days....I mean, what do you say to that? The fact is, it is true. She has no where to go. That was why she was at my house for a night. She was actually doing an adoption video the next day to let ppl know she is ready and available to be adopted.

Earlier she told us the foster mother she was just with said her family never loved her. Now why on earth would you tell anyone, let alone a child, that even if it were true? I told her I was sure her family loved her in the only way they knew how. It is possible they never had anyone show them true love so they did not know how to show others. (theres a bit more to her story, but...)

Needless to say, the worst of my day Wed was seeing the "junk" these kids (and so many others) go through and knowing there are parents, and foster parents, who treat these kids like they are lower than dirt. My best is knowing that even though they dont like it much of the time, at least there are 2 who for the past 5 months or so have at least one person who is consistent in their lives and who truly does care. They may not like the way I care sometimes, but they need it. For once they can rest in safety and though the stresses and junk in life does not go away, it is not as prevelent. They can just enjoy being kids every once in a while)

2011-06-18T01:15:00.000-05:00

Got behind a funeral procession today while in a car full of ppl some of which don't know me at all. So when i am quiet the rest of the trip and then someone starts being ultra hateful specifically to and about me and i am unsuccessfully fighting back tears...well lets just say it was quite awkward for everyone...and they all thought my issue was the hatefulness. That did not help of course, but was not my biggest issue.

Plain and simple, I miss my father. Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard. They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond) the sunday before Fathers day. So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers. No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence. However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone. It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.

And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories.......and then to be having such a rough time, never having time to yourself, yet always being lonely, having amazing friends and family you never get to spend time with, you also get hit with more bad news from home and accusations and animosity from the ppl who should be most supporting you...it seems like it will never end.

I think all this has made me forget how to sing! Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing. I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not. My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that. It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....

2011-06-06T23:41:00.000-05:00

Nine years ago my world flipped upside down. My father died and the ppl delivering the news actually took pleasure in doing so. Today, nine years later, my heart still aches and breaks for all the things he has missed--my nephews being born, all the places I have lived, the girls who have joined me living here, and so many more. However, only for my sake, and that of my family am I heart broken. I would never wish him away from Jesus' feet where I long to be myself. But that does not mean I don't miss him continually and wish he were present for...well, for everything.
My father was not perfect by any means, but he always went out of his way to do for others. He drove 5 hours one way just to work on my car (change spark plugs, etc) and take my roommates and i to lunch before making the drive back home. His support for me was unwavering. He never said "I told you so" or discouraged me if I told him I was being led to do something. He encouraged me when things got rough and prayed with me while sending me verses from the Bible (as does my mom).
These characteristics are what comfort and strengthen me when invisioning God as my Father. I had a good example of what that should be--an example my girls do not have. It breaks my heart that the idea of God as a loving Father who supports them and will always be there is such a foreign, fearful even, concept. It does not bring them comfort, joy or peace as it does me. My prayer is that they will somehow be able to see inspite of the obstacles standing in their way.

I know these girls are in my home for a reason. We have faced some not so fun challenges and i have no doubt there are more to come. As frustrating and challenging as it has been, there have been some fun times too--and some great times of reflection. One of these girls has experienced many firsts since being in my home and it has been fun to watch. The other is on a journey discovering God and that He does have a purpose for her. There are no words to express the viewing of this process.
My prayer is that both these girls will discover the truth of God's love and will surrender to Him--that they will know they are loved, cherished and beautiful; that they can see themselves through God's eyes; that they may know my love for them is unconditional even though i may not always show it or it does not look the way they envisioned it.

Emotional basket case

2011-04-20T20:13:00.000-05:00

Pretty sure being an emotional basket case is not a good thing for raising a 10 year old and a 17 year old. Of course they both definitely need to learn to allow their emotions to show and not be afraid of them, but mine are ridiculous. I blame my grandmother...and believe it or not, I am actually one of the least emotional of all my family. Scary thought! Oh well, they will get over it...they have no choice, they are stuck with me.

In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)

As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer

REALLY!?!

2011-04-15T00:05:00.000-05:00

So, I am pretty sure my 17 year old just said she couldn't believe someone good looking would be attracted to me. Not what she meant, but definitely the way it came out. She saw a picture of a guy who liked me once upon a time (or at least claimed to) and her response, "Wow, he's really cute. I wasn't expecting that!"...THANKS JESS!

Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.

The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.

Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?

Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...

Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?

The Blind Side

2011-04-04T23:52:00.002-05:00

So, while watching "The Blind Side" tonight with my 17 year old who has been living with me less than a week, I comment how hard it would be to just randomly stop on the road and let a stranger in your house. Jessica (my 17 year old) just looked at me as if i were crazy and scoffs. This girl (who spent several hours not talking to me tonight b/c i made her mad or offended her) says, "What do you think you are doing with me and Serina?" (Serina is my 10 year old who has been living here almost 4 weeks. My comment is..."that is a little different"...and to a degree it is. I have no family living in the house to be concerned about. I got a little information and time to make my decisions (sort of)...anyway...

This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.

The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?

i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.

i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.

God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.

All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.

Confirmation

2011-03-12T22:38:00.002-06:00

Ever had a decision to make, made the decision, but still wondered if it was right? What I love when this happens is the confirmation God sends, sometimes from the most unlikely of places or ppl. It doesn't always happen the way I want or think it should, but it does come--if I have been seeking God the entire time.

There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.

What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.

Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.

Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!

Ending Life as we know it

2011-03-10T22:52:00.002-06:00

And tonight my life has changed for good. I had a 10 year old girl move in with me tonight. She has had a rough life that has shaped her in ways i can't even imagine (so pray for my wisdom). Already I am experiencing the changes that come with parenthood in that I am having to cancel my plans for tomorrow night b/c i can't leave my child...not that I am complaining, it is just a fact of life that happened with no warning. One minute i am a single woman, the next I am a woman with real responsibilities that come with complications most parents don't have.

I am excited and nervous all at the same time. This is something I prayed about before getting into and then when I though God may have been telling me to wait, He very obviously said NOW!...and today i have a child. After months of the process, He has chosen to place this girl with me. I am terrified of all that could happen. Yet I know God has a purpose. He placed this child in my care and He will take care of everyone involved.

The person who brought the child to my house is not her regular case worker. She was a little disappointed b/c she has a 12 year old in mind for me to take. We will see what happens. I am praying God's guidance and wisdom. This is going to be an interesting, trying and rewarding journey...and so it begins...

2011-01-25T23:45:00.002-06:00

I made the mistake of watching the Bachelor this week--which was highly entertaining for Brandi, who I watched with--and boy did it make me mad! What makes me more mad is how this is the life and entertainment our world is accustomed to--this is "reality" television. Really!

Why on earth would you set yourself up for heartbreak like that. Having your heart broken in the real world by some guy who decides you are not worth his time or trades you in for something "better" or who just doesn't work out is bad enough, but to voluntarily go on television where the world is watching as you let yourself get sucked into someone's lies about how much you mean to him when 10 minutes later he is kissing some other chick saying the same thing...well, you get my point.

All this being said, it was just one more reminder of how out of sync i am with "reality." I truly live in a different world...a world where I want the guy who likes me to like only me that way, to be kissing only me, and to wait until we get married for anything else. Is that really so far fetched? Am I crazy for wanting and waiting for that? And why is it that so many other Christians out there do not feel the same? Are we reading different Bibles? The Bible is clear and still just as true today as it was before. God does not change. His expectations do not change, yet we think we can do what we want with no consequences b/c surely He didn't mean that.

I have been told in the past (by a completely worldly person) that I would never get anyone to date me b/c i am not willing to go to bed with them and any guy who knows that would drop me in a heart beat. Well, my faith in Godly men is not completely shot b/c i know a few who are single and are 110% committed to Christ and following His word. However, if that statement made turns out to be true and I am single for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I can know I did not compromise myself just to combat the loneliness. And yes, sometimes it is lonely, but i refuse to settle. God has that godly man who is to be my husband out there somewhere...and when we meet, God will let us both know we are meant to be together.

My fear is that all these young impressionable teens and girls are seeing these shows and relationships portrayed in television and media and getting the wrong idea. They are learning they should settle and compromise themselves instead of standing up and being who they are with integrity. Yes, you will be ridiculed at some point, but that is nothing compared to the loss of self respect and the emotional turmoil you will add to an already difficult life by giving yourself to any and everyone or by compromising who God has called you to be for the sake of some guy. How can I help them value who they truly are and hold on to all God has for them in a world where that is the most backward thinking anyone can have?

This is just one of my many frustrations with the world today. This world is not my home and i truly feel like an alien in a strange land most of the time, but God has called me here for now and until He calls me home, I will live for Him and hopefully be an encouragement to others to do the same.

changes not so good

2011-01-23T23:23:00.002-06:00

So I made a realization this week that has been 9 years in the making. I know there are some things...many things...about me that have changed. Some changes (most, i hope) have been for the better, but not all. One of the changes has been in my openness with others and in letting ppl in. Don't misunderstand...i am very social and good at talking with ppl; and I have great friends who i talk to about things, but i am very good at talking about myself without really saying anything. I have perfected the art of talking in circles. I have also gotten very good at keeping things to myself.

After my dad died, my pain obviously revolved around that heartbreak. It was all I talked about b/c it is what consumed me. Sometimes it still does, but i don't really think anyone wants to hear that all the time, so i hold on to it. For years I have associated the fact that I am not as open with ppl as i used to be with that, but that is not it at all really.

My first mission placement was beyond bad. I had a pastor/supervisor who made accusations against me that could have resulted in a federal investigation, "friends" who i spent all my time with who made up accusations against me that I chose not to fight after the first time b/c it wasn't worth it, and a church who decided to believe the lies of those two families.

My second mission placement began with supervisors who badmouthed the person who had just spent the last 2 years with them. They had control issues like you wouldn't believe. You can imagine we weren't the best of friends. I stayed out of their way, did what was expected, and did my own thing when they were gone...stayed under the radar after the first 2 months of torture and a huge blow up. That worked for us.

So, it is no wonder I am hesitant to voice my opinion or let ppl in...not that I don't ever talk to anyone...but i definitely need to learn to open up a little. I think i am trying to protect my heart (which just got broken recently b/c i let someone in who didn't value it) or trying to protect them from having to listen to me or worry b/c they are far away and don't need to be concerned with my problems, or protecting myself from rejection and criticism (I criticize myself enough, i don't need it from others).

It is odd though. We are all critiqued from time to time, but the critiques of random ppl don't bother me. I don't care if you agree with me or not. It is the fear of disappointing ppl i think i am close to (or want to be close to) that debilitates me.

I have never really considered myself a ppl pleaser, but essentially that is what i am. Now, I don't mind rocking the boat if it is for a cause I believe in. I don't particularly like confrontation, but i can do it. However, I go out of my way to make other ppl happy or comfortable. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but can be when it means I am selling myself short or not voicing my opinions.

I am an independent person. I am intelligent person. I am a woman of integrity, creativity, positivity and joy. But the person i described above is not displaying those characteristics. Those are the characteristics of a wounded, broken individual who has let the world and Satan dictate her actions, thoughts and feelings to a point where she does not even believe in herself. Who have I become?...and where is the real me?...or is this it?

Listening to lies

2011-01-19T23:10:00.002-06:00

Everywhere I go, wherever I turn
I seems I'm hitting brick walls or getting burned
an endless maze keeps me twisting and confused
each corner presents one more compelling ruse
The lies continually press into my head
til I can't see the truth or hear what is said
I only hear the lies echoing inside
ripping me apart and ensnaring my mind
how to escape this endless cycle of sin
is a ? that plagues me time and again
for I know it is wrong to listen to lies
my true worth lies only in my Father's eyes
In Him alone should I trust, seek and adhere
If I can do that it will all become clear

Year End/New Year

2010-12-30T22:45:00.006-06:00

Looking back over this year it is amazing the things that have happened...personally and with the church. It has been an amazing year! But with the amazing things that happen come the hard, heart-wrenching obstacles that never seem to cease.

We have seen so many great things this year: people coming to Grace Park who were first met 5 years ago, ppl surrendering to Christ after years of prayer and showing them Christ through love, opening 2 new classes for kids, seeing kids grow in Christ, an amazing kids camp and mission trip right here where we live, and so much more...

Personally I have been blessed to go full time at the church, buy a house in a neighborhood with great neighbors, and am about to be a foster parent of a17 year old.

However, right along with these things came the spiritual attacks, emotional battles and the real battles of finding ppl to volunteer for the classes and camps or having my heart broken or letting my emotions dictate my actions and turn me into someone I don't like. People are messy. Relationships are messy. Inner struggles and self-esteem are messy. In all that messiness, I can't help thinking I am so ready for this year to be over. I have been there for over a month now and that is not at all how I wanted to spend one of the greatest holiday seasons we have.

It has been a long year. With all the great things going on, the spiritual and emotional battles have made it the hardest year ever with the exception of the year my dad died and I was in such a rough placement on the mission field. Satan has attacked at every corner. I have been angry, hurt, have taken responsibility for things i have no control over and have beat myself up over everything b/c I lose my focus. I lose sight of Christ and listen to the lies. Unfortunately, these lies sometimes come in the form of ppl, not just thoughts. I have let them control my emotions and make me skeptical and angry with feelings of unworthiness and incompetence.

So, as many do at this time of year, I think about the new year and what it will bring. It is like I think the new year will wipe away all the hurt, anger and suffering of the last one...as if there is an easy button that you hit when the ball drops and it changes your perspective on things. But we all know that is not the case. Things do not change just because there is a new year.

Why do we decide to make a new year's resolution? Why do we start thinking about them months in advance? If we want to make a change, the time is NOW, whether it is January 1, April 8, September 30, etc. So where am I going with this?...

I can't flip a switch and make all the negativity of the past go away, but I can choose right now not to let it overcome me. I can only do this by staying in God's word, not to say Satan does not attack when I am in His word, but I am better able to withstand those attacks b/c I am prepared. God has made me a new creation. That means all the old things are gone and these attacks are fiery darts that God has given me the power to overcome. But I can't do it alone...and the problem is I try to.

The joys of the past year, the heartaches, the anger, the stress, the friends and family I have been there for and the ones i have let down...i can't change any of that, but I can learn from it. I can be the best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, aunt, etc. I can learn from the stress and I can quit letting Satan's lies get to me. I can do this by walking closely with my Lord and Savior and by realizing the only power I have is that which is given to me by Christ. It is not mine alone.

Thoughts on Easter

2010-04-09T11:14:00.003-05:00

Easter is my absolutely favorite time of year! Yes, I love the contact we have in the community as a church, but that is not why i love Easter. This is the day of the year we celebrate the driving force behind every other day. I am blessed beyond measure and can not fathom why God chose me, why He has protected me from so much and allowed me to minister to ppl for Him. I am honored to be His Chosen, His Daughter! I only pray my life will honor and glorify Him.

Good Friday...everyone was posting comments about how every friday is good, but this one is awesome or things of that nature. I just thought, as I do every year, how amazing that a day we remember sorrow, torture, humiliation (you get the drift) is considered good. Yet it is the underlying reason, the fact that God loved me so much, that Jesus loved us so much he took my sins, your sins and bore them in our place. Why would anyone do that for me? When i see some of the ugliness that has been in my heart...WOW! God loved me enough anyway! I can not fathom.

Friday...God sacrificed His only son, who went willingly for us, but 3 days later....JESUS ROSE! Amazing, AWESOME, unbelievable! He conquered death and hell, took my sins, my ugliness, locked it away, and came back.

I am overwhelmed with Christ's love for me, humbled and ashamed. How can i know this about someone and still live so carelessly? How can I not love others and honor them just b/c i know what God did for me? Why do I worry about petty things when ppl are dying every day, aching for Him and not knowing what they are aching for? and what am I going to do about it?

My prayer is for God to use me as He sees fit, wherever that may be, whether it is for me to be single or not, in whatever way He chooses...whatever the cost. I am a little afraid, but I know God is with me and in me. He has never failed me as I have so often done Him and He will not let me go.

a shot for me

2010-03-19T23:42:00.001-05:00

So, I am sitting at Micky Roo's hanging with my friend Leah and some friends of hers from work, listening to her husband Wes and another friend Matt play with their blues band and the waitress walks up with a shot glass and tells me the guy in the back bought me a drink...

Now that you are laughing and imagining my shock....

I look back and see a raised hand...just a hand, then I notice the girl next to the hand and laugh. My friend Chris and his girlfriend are sitting in the back. I go to talk with them. He is laughing so hard...tells me not to worry, it is just Dr. Pepper...and so we catch up.

For the record...that has to be the best joke ever played on me, esp since he knows me well enough to gauge the reaction. It was funny, and Leah was thoroughly amused at my shock.

Dreams come True

2010-02-25T18:04:00.002-06:00

Have you ever worked and waited for something so long you thought the dream would never be realized? Here I sit, having just finished my last real day at PCCA (i am going to work as needed), amazed this day is actually here. After 4 and a half years of working 2-4 jobs at a time I am finally able to focus on what God called me here to do...Grace Park Kidz.

It is actually surreal!

Of course there is the fear and doubt Satan throws in that I will fall short and not be able to do it well, but I know God equips those He calls and He called me here. After all the trials, the struggles, the wondering if I was going to make it even with 3 jobs, it is all coming together.

I am sitting in my house getting ready to plan my first full time week at Grace Park that is not a vacation from another job and am overwhelmed at how God continues to bless me. There were times i wasn't sure this day would ever come, and who knows it may not last. However I will enjoy each moment there is and trust that whatever happens with it, God loves me and knows what I need more than I ever will.

I said this would be the year for change. The changes are beginning. Now i guess it's time to start working toward another dream :~)

pics of the new place

2010-02-21T11:34:00.004-06:00

So, I am in my new home and just had my first dinner party. I come home at night, and even though it now takes me 10 minutes to get to all the important places (i.e.--toddss, llanes', martin's, church, etc) instead of 3, I am loving it. Chris at the boys and girls club asked me how I am enjoying my new house and I told him it is great and I love every minute of it. (Although I still need to get me office area organized and fix a couple of problems)

The pick of the washing machine drain with bubbles is one of the problems, not to mention the rip in the linoleum from the ppl who brought in the refrigerator. :~(

The bar looks very nice as an island. I love it!

A Year for Change

2010-01-24T22:35:00.003-06:00

I said to someone before the year ended that this would be the year for change...they may not all be good, but they will be big. So far it is starting off so. In two weeks (the date has been changed) I will be moving into my very own house--and all the stresses of home ownership. I am so excited!

In addition to buying a house, I am blessed to be able to leave my part time job (well, work as needed actually) and work full time for Grace Park. I have always had the desire to be in full time ministry and now will have that chance...at least for a season. I will cherish it while I can.

This past Friday I had many ppl comment on my "glow." What made that day stand out more than others? Well, I saw so many ppl that day. Before 3:00 I had the opportunity to spend time with 7 different children and 5 different adults and still had time to look for refrigerators and sleep in.

I am also involved in a mentoring group of amazing young men and women. We meet every Friday at the boy and girls club in Columbia. This is one of the highlights of my week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely different note...Saturday I locked my keys in my car. I was at some friends' house and realized fairly quickly that my keys were not in my pocket or on the counter where i usually left them. We walked out and there they were in the ignition, all doors locked.

Luckily i have a spare set, so Isaac took me to my house only to find my roommate had just left (she was there 10 minutes earlier when I left) and all the doors were locked. I walked to the office where the office manager's car was outside only to find the door locked and no one around. I went back and tried to get the screen out of the window...that would require tools, so I asked Isaac for a credit card. All I have to say is "Thank you Costco!" With his costco card, I was able to break into my house in less than 5 minutes (a little disconcerting). I am just thankful Hannah didn't lock the deadbolt.

progress!

2010-01-18T22:00:00.001-06:00

All grown up...

2009-11-14T00:06:00.002-06:00

So I have finally decided to grow up and enter the real adult world. Which really means I am signing my life away and buying a house. Oh my...i am actually settling down. Who would have thought it possible I would actually be in any one place this long, and buying a house. Now that is what I call commitment. :~) Anyway...here I am posting the street sign of the soon to be "street where I'll live," the empty lot that will soon be covered, the sign that shows I am leaving my life of stress free housing, and the bar that has to have a place in the new home b/c Bobby built it. Just wanted to share...I will be posting updates as the home progresses b/c I am ultra excited!

Oh, and just so you don't worry, I will never completely grow up!

Only time will tell

2009-10-17T22:00:00.002-05:00

We've heard it said "time heals all wounds." Just so you know, that is such a lie. Time heals absolutely nothing. It just gives you more time to think about the hurt. GOD, however, heals more than just wounds. He heals the aches, pains, wounds and scars. He helps us face the worst and come through it stronger and closer to him.

In the face of tragedy i can not even begin to speak of, my uncle asked me yesterday if "it" get's better. I told him no. I know you guys are thinking that was wrong, but I hate that when my father died everyone told me it would get better with time. That is a stinkin' lie! It doesn't get better; the pain never goes away; and some days the anger even comes back.

...And don't go thinking i haven't dealt with this...I have...I know my father is sitting at Jesus' feet and that he is where he has always wanted to be. I would not really wish him back from that, especially since that is ultimately where I want to be. However, I am still human.

I miss my dad! It breaks my heart to know that if i ever actually do get married he won't be there to walk me down the isle. I hate that he never got to see my nephews or see where my life has taken me. His death rocked my entire family so completely on all sides I don't think anyone has truly recovered. I know we haven't as a family.

All this being said...i have been told that b/c I still get so upset in June and Dec. (anniversary, father's day/birthday, Christmas) and at other random times that i have not dealt with it. Trust me, I know God has used me with ppl i never would have met b/c my father died. I also know, I probably would never have ended up where I am today had he lived...doesn't mean i don't miss him. But God has worked in and through me during all this...and continues to do so. I have been able to connect with ppl I would not have been able to understand. I feel more deeply and I care about petty things less (sometimes to the dismay of others)

So, time has done nothing for me, but God has! Every day He reminds me why I am here (though sometimes I listen better than others.) Time offers what you make of it. I could easily become angry and bitter, or depressed and despondant, but since I hate being miserable that isn't really an answer. Besides, if i am to truly honor my father, i will live my life according to God's standards, let go of the bad times and remember him for who he was to me, who he was in Christ.

In our current family devastation, I believe ppl make choices without realizing their magnitude. But all choices have consequences that reach much farther than we could ever imagine. I don't think God wants us to make poor choices, but neither does He force our hand. I do know he understands the pain, hurt and anger and wants to take it from us and hold us through the rough patches.

However, we should not remember ppl for the bad choices, but for the ways they helped us grow and change. We can learn and grow from each other and God can bring us through the choices we make, good or bad. I am thankful he does not hold my poor choices against me.

I also know this...God can take whatever we have to say. I recently expressed my anger to a friend and my struggle with not wanting to be angry. She told me God doesn't care if i'm angry, it is how I deal with the anger that makes a difference (how many time have i said that myself?) So if I am happy, sad, frustrated, devastated, broken hearted, or furious all I have to do is give it to God and allow HIM to work in and through me. He will handle it all if I let him.

Visitors

2009-08-10T11:01:00.002-05:00

So my aunt and uncle came to visit me last week. They originally had planned to go to KY and come back through here, but those plans changed so they went to the mountains in north GA and then came over here...not exactly on the way (I am so loved). It was great to spend time with them. We really did absolutely nothing but hang out. I took them to downtown Franklin, put them to work setting up for church Sunday and showing them where we meet, but other than that we just enjoyed seeing each other. Of course I took no pictures so I have no proof, but it was a great treat for me to be able to see some family, even just for a short time!

Long Overdue

2009-08-08T01:09:00.002-05:00

This summer has been absolutely amazing...a mission trip to TX, an incredible kids camp, constant growth, great friends, and unbelievable community.

Several of us were blessed to be able to hang drywall in a house hit by Hurricane Ike last year. It was HOT and hard work, but we managed to finish a day early due to great team work and ppl who just would not give up.

I don't even know where to start on the kids camp. We spent a week taking 60+ kids out into the community each day to serve. They went to nursing homes, weeded houses and city property, picked up trash, decorated and delivered cookies to police officers, school employees and fire fighters, collected food for the food pantry and stocked shelves, and more. After many hours of sleepless nights, little food, buckets of tears and much sweat and brain power, the week was a great success. God opened doors, hearts and minds. He redefined perceptions and is still working through that camp, though it has been over for weeks.

My personal growth through the summer continues to be tremendous. I can not begin to tell you the things I am learning and having to lay down, not to mention leave behind. This is always a continual process, as God is patient enough to gently remind me when I start to get in the way of His work in and through me.

Growth in others also continues to be a blessing and encouragement. We have seen someone who wasn't sure if he even believed in God a couple years ago send an email out requesting prayer for a family member, families we have been in contact with for years are beginning to come to Grace Park and explore questions about faith and Christ, who continues to draw many to himself. Community groups are turning out in full to move a member or provide for someone in need. The people who make up the church are being Christ to one another, just as we are called to do.

I think this is more than enough for now, but I could go on for days. This is just the beginning.

Hitching Widows

2009-05-16T01:15:00.000-05:00

NO, this is not about setting anyone up.

So the first big events started when my neighbor came over to tell me the black widow we found at her house the other day was outside again last night...and another neighbor of ours (who did not believe us when we told him how big it was) saw it and sprayed it down with hair spray (I just want to know why they didn't torch it). We found it last week and I burned the web, sprayed into her hole with a cleaning solution containing bleach and just wrecked her home...

Well coming to tell me, she did some searching around my place and found one in my bricks, so i got out the bleach spray, some long matches and went to work. I managed to destroy the egg sack and infuriate the spider. I finally ended up filling her hole with sand (she'll prob be back tomorrow, and very angry). I actually ended up destroying three different nest, provoking 3 or 4 different black widows and killing one...and do i feel guilty about this?...only slightly. I am usually the person who tries to teach the kids not to be afraid of bugs, but spiders that can kill my neighbors two children do not make it to "live and let live" list.

Here are some picks she took of one of the spiders (before I smashed it with a pole while it was hiding in its hole)

The next event of the day happened after enjoying a relaxing night with some friends at a bonfire. I am driving down the road @ 11:30 or quarter til 12 and see these two kids walking, no hitch-hiking down the street (6th and 7th grade). I drove past, but immediately turned around after praying and feeling God tell me to stop. I go back and ask where they are going and someone comes up behind me and someone is coming toward me at the same time, so I had to go past a little for the car behind to get around and to turn around. I see the car coming toward me stop to talk with the boys and can tell they say I am going to give them a ride.

I took them to one of the boys houses all the while trying to pump for information. I don't think they were lying to me about where they were coming from or going, but do not believe they were entirely forthcoming either. They told one boys sister to tell his parents they were going for a walk and just decided to go all they way to the other guy's house.

The road they were going to have to walk on was not a short distance that time of night, nor safe to walk on ever. The hills and curves alone would have been enough to cause an accident, but add the darkness and craziness of nighttime drivers....

My social worker/behavior specialist concerns are this...why were they out?
~Did the parents know, why would they let them walk that time of night
~If the parents at the house I dropped them off at were drunk as they say, should I have taken them there
~Where were their shoes (it wasn't a short walk in a subdivision)
~was the other car that stopped just a nice passerby like myself or not

All being said, I have no doubt I did the right thing. They were going to that house regardless; better go by me than get hit by an unsuspecting car flying around a curve in the middle of the night...and yes, i gave them the riot act for being out late and for hitch-hiking.

My prayers go out on their behalf...and for their families...something was off, but that is just a feeling i have, not because of anything said (oh, and the fact they were out so late)

don't worry, i don't usually pick up hitch hikers...I was definitely prompted

2009-05-03T00:32:00.002-05:00

I went to my friend Brandi's house late tonight to watch Bride Wars thinking I am in for a fun chick movie. A little way into the movie there a scene where Kate Hudson's character has just told her brother she is getting married, then runs from the restaurant. Anne Hathaway follows to find Kate almost hyperventilating, saying she just needs a moment. Anne says "I know, I wish your parents were here too" At that moment I knew I would not make it through the movie without crying.

Later in the movie Kate's brother is getting ready to walk her down the aisle and I loose it. I told brandi it was coming, next thing i knew the flood gates had opened. Not a few tears and muffled sniffs...no, hysterics. Some days I can watch something like this movie and be fine. Obviously today was not that day.

It probably doesn't help that the wedding date in the movie is the anniversary of my father's death, which is coming up in just a month (7 years). The past few years I have just made a point to go out with friends without telling them i was battling the pain until days later if at all. This year the pain is starting early (okay, it never really leaves)

There is just something about watching a movie with a character missing her parents on her wedding day and being able to relate. The no brainers in my wedding (who would walk me down the aisle and give me away) are now some of the hardest decisions I will have to make. Somehow that does not seem fair.

Don't worry...i have dealt with it...i am at peace, but the pain never really goes away. I will always miss my father. And certain circumstances make it that much harder. Thankfully i have friends who are understanding and allow me to cry about it when the need arises. They actually fuss at me for trying to hide it and not cry.

Bottom line: I miss my father!

oh and just to answer the questions i know will come...no, I am not getting married and God has still not brought us together yet...but the thought process is still the same

footprints

2009-04-27T23:55:00.003-05:00

As I think about my title and description, I can't help but wonder....who has left the lasting footprints on your life and what would you say to them today? Have they made you a better person or a bitter one?

. ...to be continued...

Different

2009-04-19T11:08:00.005-05:00

It has been a little over a month now, but a few of my friends and I went to "Paint and Pour" up in Brentwood for a ladies night. We all painted the same picture, but they are all so different. It is interesting how we can do the exact same things, but because of our distinctly unique personalities the overall effect of each one is different. My picture is shown at the top.

Now I have to tell you that she would intermittently pick up our pictures and show them to everyone to show our progress. When she picked up my friend's next to me she said it was dainty, which Lacie then shared how that was how her husband picked her engagement ring. He said it was dainty like her....

So, she picks up my painting (and just to let you know, the flowers are designed the way she had them in her painting, and before I started texturing my tree) and what word did she use? Different...

Now is that a polite way of saying weird or ugly, or just a compliment in and of itself? I don't know, but I do know it is a common word used to describe me, from ppl who know me well and from those who have just met me. I hope that is not their way of saying something is wrong with me and they just tolerate me...

No, I am kidding. I take it as a compliment. I am different, unique if you will--always have been. Sometimes I wonder if I am in the wrong century though...

I went out this weekend and as I am sitting at dinner with these three ppl (one friend I met here who has moved away, his best friend who I only hang out with through him, and another friend of theirs I just met--thank goodness she was there) I am realizing how out of touch I really am. They all have their high tech phones out (I had left mine in the car and it is so far behind all theirs), facebook profiles...the list goes on.

As the night goes on, we go to meet up with some others who are out bowling. Now keep in mind I am the only one who going into this night knew two ppl present. As we are hanging out bowling and speaking to another girl whom we all had just met, she asks me if I am involved in a group (which is how they--about 7 more ppl--are all friends) As I answer with a negative, one of the guys I was with is sitting across from me and we are both laughing at how obviously out of place I have been all night.

Why the long story? It is just another example of how different I am....don't worry, i took none of this in a negative light and I had a great time meeting new ppl. It was just an interesting night that reminded me that I tend to stand out in odd ways sometimes. Maybe I should join this century and start watching tv, upgrade my phone and join the facebook world, but liklihood being, I will not.

Living Sacrifice

2009-04-16T22:33:00.002-05:00

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
the desires of my heart
I surrender all

Let my flesh
be buried in Your forgiveness
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
my attempts to stand on my own
I surrender all

Turn my independence
into dependency upon You
Make me a living sacrifice

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
my need to feel important
I surrender all

Let my pride
be turned to humility
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
Control of thoughts, words and deeds
I surrender all

Let my brokenness
draw me closer to You
Make me a living sacrifice

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

Everything

2009-04-04T23:47:00.002-05:00

Today, as we were prayer walking for our upcoming egg hunt and Easter service, a friend recalled something she said to our 3rd-5th graders last week. She told them God is everything. All day I have been thinking this phrase, so this is what has come to mind, and yes, it could easily go on forever....

When Darkness surrounds me
You are the light that chases it away
You are everything

When the burden brings me to the ground
You take the weight and help me stand
You are everything

When my heart is breaking
Your Spirit fills the gap
You are everything

When my tears seem ceaseless
You wipe them away
You are everything

When I feel all alon
You hold me in Your arms
You are everything

When laughter fills my heart
You are smiling with me
You are everything

When music fills my soul
You are my dance partner
You are everything

I am nothing without You
You bring meaning to my life
You are everything

I am learning daily what it means for Christ to be everything. He makes it possible to "be content whatever state I am in." There is no hope outside of Him. It is so easy to fill my life with things other than Him, yet I am never satisfied when I do. My desire is to truly allow Christ to be my everything.

Surprise!

2009-03-12T12:51:00.003-05:00

Sunday night I am sitting in worship (which is a miracle in and of itself) and Jason is making announcements about our fellowship time and adds that there is also a surprise housewarming shower for the children's pastor. I think I almost fell out of my seat! So, ppl start coming up to me asking if i am surprised and laughing at the bright red shade of my face. How this happened without me having a clue. Really I knew a couple ppl wanted to give me something, but had no idea the magnitude. It was great...a wonderful encouragement. I know i am loved, but this just made me want to cry with overwhelming love and grattitude.

To top everything off, Amy D. kept asking me if I had opened any of the presents, which of course got me thinking. So, when I got to the house where I was dog sitting, I took all the card and the gifts inside to open. I found a gift from my college roommate and her mom. Amy had gotten Ashleys info when she came in Oct "just in case" What amazing friends I have!

So, what did i get?...a vaccum cleaner ( I am so excited), bar stools for the bar Bobby built, cheese grater ;), gift cards, candle set, paper products, step ladder. There are no words to express my love and grattitude. I am overwhelmed with blessings from my church family and friends! I will post a pic of the bar at a later date.

The Devil's Defense

2009-03-05T22:07:00.003-06:00

Whenever Christians start turning their hearts closer to God, seeking Him more and striving together to grow closer to him, satan starts to panic...he pull out all the punches. I am blessed to be in a Bible study group, an accountability group if you will, with 3 other ladies. We talked when we went into this about how Satan would stop at nothing to keep us from it. We have all been hit with various obstacles lately, sickness, discouragement, etc. But it isn't just us...many ppl are being attacked right now in so many different ways.

I have this feeling God is readying hearts for something big...maybe it is our summer events, new personnel, or simply a revival of hearts and souls to HIM. I feel Satan trying everything he can to prevent, halt or taint this ...whatever it is. I feel our church is being attacked from so many angles; my friends are being broken; I am being flung this way and that. Satan's only defense to whatever God is preparing to do is to get us off focus, off guard.

He is throwing his lies in my face and I am struggling not to believe them. Of course the day I wake from a dream of a random person I've not seen in years and wasn't ever friends with in the first place, who pointed out all my faults in front of my friends who did not stand up for me, is the day Satan decides to remind me of a heart breaking issue from several years ago. Something happened that broke my heart and the ppl involved still to this day have no clue. I acted like i understood and let it go. Usually i don't even think about the issue, but today I did and the lies of unworthiness and patheticness that come with it. All day I keep coming back to how i am not good enough. Satan throws that lie at all of us, it just comes in different forms (not a good spouse, parent, to date, at work, with kids, etc). Mine is always the heart of who I am and how I am called to serve.

Don't worry, i dont believe the LIES, but overcoming them is a major battle. I told some of my accountability group last week it is my drug. I am addicted to believing the lies, thus rendering me ineffective in my witness for Christ. You must also know the day I am struggling with this the most is the day I forget to do major tasks that I do every day at work, multiple times a day, but somehow missed today. (thankfully my boss thinks it is the drugs he gave me to overcome the sickness i still can't shake)

I was able to talk through a lot of this with a friend this evening and we realized she is being fed the same lies. Hers just come from a different angle. Satan knows where and how to hit, but i have news for him....the battle is won and guess what YOU LOSE!!! In the meantime, I just have to continue to draw from Christ's strength and rest in knowing HE is inside of me and makes me worthy, because "I am not my own, but Christ who lives within me"

Iron sharpens iron

2009-03-04T21:09:00.000-06:00

I have been carpooling to work since I moved to Spring Hill...saves money on gas and gives me company, which considering i like to talk, is a good thing. One of the greatest things is that at least one of our conversations a day is always spiritual. Jason and I hash things out (which is funny b/c we usually pretty much agree, but we hash all sides anyway) and lay out different views and cover the verses concerning whichever subject we are on for the day. I love these times and have missed some of these conversations with friends and family from the past. When I lived in Baltimore, there was a guy who used to enter into spiritual debates with me regularly. We didn't always agree, but both brought our points with our scripture to back it up and sometimes came to a conclusion, while other times our conclusion was that we disagreed. We always walked away feeling sharpened and still close friends. Anyone who knows me well knows my passion for Christ is one of my favorite things to discuss. I could (much to many ppl's dismay) discuss spiritual questions and musings all day. That being said, these carpool discussions are exciting me!...and making me think.

On the other end of that, there was someone else in Baltimore I used to have the same type discussions with, but we both were entering them with wrong motives. Neither of us wanted to learn anything or grow, but to prove the other wrong or show each other up. I learned the hard way how not to have a spiritual debate...God keeps my motives pure and lets me know when i am starting to get into the wrong mode of thinking. It is so easy to be self righteous, but God reminds me that too is sin. Now, I just try to use conversations such as these as a cause to reflect on His Word and learn what I can.

i despise sickness

2009-03-02T10:04:00.000-06:00

So, for the first time in four days, I woke up hungry...big accomplishment. The problem is, I have now been up almost 2 hours and am going to be returning to bed soon. The congestion in my chest and head is not going away and my throat is starting to hurt. I have to make it to work tomorrow, so much rest today! You would think being in bed for four days straight would help some, but no, i am still sick. Just for the record, I can't remember the last time I was this sick for this long. I do hope they will give me drugs at work tomorrow if this is not gone...of course, Lynn will probably shoot me in the tail (i think she secretly enjoys torturing ppl)

On a good note...I made it through church last night, then stayed up a few more hours. I had not had a fever since sometime the day before, so felt safe, but took hand sanitizer for each time I coughed or sneezed. I plugged everything in with an antibacterial wipe and wiped everything down before I left, just to be safe. The sad part is, i would not let the kids hug me. I stayed with the older ones, so they understood not to come close, but a couple of my younger kids; (3 and 5) who always make my day by running to me like I am their most favorite person ever; started coming toward me and I stopped them and told them they couldn't hug me, but we could blow kisses. Of course they looked crushed (I am so mean) and asked why. I explained that I have been sick (which only sort of helps b/c I let them lay all over me when they were sick). Anyway, they blew many kisses and left.

When I got home, their mom sent me a text saying Cadence (the 3 year old) got in the car and promptly asked if they could pray for 'miss mandy.' Isn't is sweet to know these kids are learning the importance of praying for others already (Good job Josh and Chanda)...and it made my day. Makes me feel honored!

2009-02-23T15:24:00.000-06:00

So, this is for people like Bethany and Linz...and everyone else who continuously encourages me to become a blogger...we will see how this goes...

I sit here starting this when I should be doing something productive with my time, but my friend and I have been talking about starting a blog for our church, to more easily share praises and updates with all you who are no doubt tired of waiting for months at a time, then getting a book or two. We figure between the two of us, we can keep it up regularly and reach more ppl.

That being said, I kind of figure I should try to start on my own before I start on one much more important...that way I can learn on this one and do a better job on that...and I can share other random personal information that you all want to know on this that would be better left unsaid on the church site.

sorry for the lame start.