Eleven years ago the month of June looked something like this...
Thursday, June 6--dad died
Sunday, June 9--buried him
Sunday, June 16--Father's Day
Sunday, June 23--returned to Baltimore to a cruelty I did not realize could exist in a pastor who not only relished in my heartbreak and misery, but stabbed a knife in the wound, twisted and poured in salt (in front of about 15 ppl)
This year the dates line up exactly as they did 11 years ago with days of the week corresponding.
I tried not to mention it this year. It has been 11 years. It should not hurt so much.
But it does...and for some reason, this year what keeps going through my mind is what happened when I got back to MD. Usually my sub-conscience focuses on the loss itself, but this year it is that cruelty that keeps coming back. I dont understand how anyone could revel in someone else's misery, esp when that person is a professed Christian. I am not talking about a weak moment when our flesh wins and then we realize or we are battling it. I am talking about consistent, every day enjoying the fact that a fellow Christian is suffering a life altering heartache and doing your best to make it worse.
I wonder why this is what comes back to me this year. I try not to think much about Baltimore except to remember the ppl who made it special and who helped me survive the cruelty and the heartache. God knew how much I needed them. He has always taken care of me through the storms.
So, why is this year different? Why am I remembering with clarity the heart-wrenching pain of cruelty? Haven't I forgiven and moved on?
Maybe it is so I will be sensitive to the words I say to others...or maybe I remember because of recent heartache. Baltimore broke my spirit in so many ways. Lately I have been broken again. The last few years have been difficult and challenging in so many ways, yet I would not trade them for anything. God has brought me so far and changed me so much. He continues to prove Himself in my life and to change me into the woman He is calling me to be.
At least now when I remember it is only with sadness and not with the anger and hatred that once came with thinking about Baltimore. I have not had that for many years now and maybe God needed to remind me that forgiveness is possible in the face of great heartache and cruelty; that hatred can be turned to something good; and that even when things seem horrific, God never lets us down and gives us encouragement and strength along the way.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Close to Home
Not surprisingly, Sam is making me watch 5th Quarter yet again. Before the movie starts she always gets up to bring me the box of tissues b/c there is no doubt I will have tears streaming down my face in the first 15 minutes.
In this heart wrenching movie a family is shattered when their 15 year old son/brother is killed in a car wreck. As I watch this family struggle with their grief and faith I think back to the tragedies in my life; the tragedies and the miracles. There are so many ppl I know who have been in accidents or had illnesses that should have taken their lives; yet they lived in spite of the the odds. But then there are others who did not come through those same type of accidents/illnesses or simple procedures that rarely result in death. It makes no sense, but one thing that keeps me through it all is seeing God work in and through the storms; seeing families completely entrusting their cancerous 2 year old to Him--praising Him no matter what--or relying on Him for strength and peace.
This movie specifically reminds me of my first baby sitting job. The child was 3-5, I was 11-13. I remember his dad having to drive me home afterward. I hung out with him and played for the evening. His dad was my Sunday school teacher my early high school years. I sometimes stopped by to visit them on my walks around town. I grew up, went to college; my dad left that church to pastor another and we lost touch.
When I was 24, 8 months after my father died, my mom called to tell me this child who was my first babysitting job was in a car accident with his cousin (also a family i was close to). Just that quick, at 16, his life was over. This movie makes me think of him, of his family shattered by his death, the community impacted by it and more so by his life for Christ before his death. My heart breaks for families like this. Loss is never easy, but the life of a child...
Then I think of God, who not only lost his child in a most unimaginable way, but sacrificed him...for us, out of His love for us. WOW!
Then I go to the scene of the movie where Jon (one of the brothers) is on the plane after the funeral. I feel his pain and he sits and looks at his brothers face on the program. I remember sitting on the plane, flying home when my father died. I was in shock. I wrote poem after poem. And then, after being home for a couple weeks, I flew back to Baltimore empty, broken, angry. Each smiling face or disgruntled comment made me want to ask "Is that really important? In the grand scheme of things, does that really matter?" When ppl looked at me I wanted to know "Can you see how broken I am? Do you know how my mom is going to get through this? my brother? me?"
I imagine those same things going through Jon's mind as he returns to life at college. I understand his questioning, his not wanting to do anything. I also understand his turn around, realizing it is not honoring your loved one to give up; nor does it honor Christ. Life happens, our hearts break, our world falls apart, but we don't have to. God can give the strength to get through it, to persevere and grow. It would have been so easy to shut down and shut everyone out, but He was my reason for getting up and continuing.
He still is my sole reason for living. Without Him, life would be pointless. He gives me purpose, fills me when I am empty, lets me cry when I am broken, shares my joy, strengthens me, love me, loves through me, forgives me and shows me how to forgive. Each trial and joy in my life has taught me another aspect of His character. I don't always like life's situations and I almost never understand them, but I know that I am not facing them alone.
In this heart wrenching movie a family is shattered when their 15 year old son/brother is killed in a car wreck. As I watch this family struggle with their grief and faith I think back to the tragedies in my life; the tragedies and the miracles. There are so many ppl I know who have been in accidents or had illnesses that should have taken their lives; yet they lived in spite of the the odds. But then there are others who did not come through those same type of accidents/illnesses or simple procedures that rarely result in death. It makes no sense, but one thing that keeps me through it all is seeing God work in and through the storms; seeing families completely entrusting their cancerous 2 year old to Him--praising Him no matter what--or relying on Him for strength and peace.
This movie specifically reminds me of my first baby sitting job. The child was 3-5, I was 11-13. I remember his dad having to drive me home afterward. I hung out with him and played for the evening. His dad was my Sunday school teacher my early high school years. I sometimes stopped by to visit them on my walks around town. I grew up, went to college; my dad left that church to pastor another and we lost touch.
When I was 24, 8 months after my father died, my mom called to tell me this child who was my first babysitting job was in a car accident with his cousin (also a family i was close to). Just that quick, at 16, his life was over. This movie makes me think of him, of his family shattered by his death, the community impacted by it and more so by his life for Christ before his death. My heart breaks for families like this. Loss is never easy, but the life of a child...
Then I think of God, who not only lost his child in a most unimaginable way, but sacrificed him...for us, out of His love for us. WOW!
Then I go to the scene of the movie where Jon (one of the brothers) is on the plane after the funeral. I feel his pain and he sits and looks at his brothers face on the program. I remember sitting on the plane, flying home when my father died. I was in shock. I wrote poem after poem. And then, after being home for a couple weeks, I flew back to Baltimore empty, broken, angry. Each smiling face or disgruntled comment made me want to ask "Is that really important? In the grand scheme of things, does that really matter?" When ppl looked at me I wanted to know "Can you see how broken I am? Do you know how my mom is going to get through this? my brother? me?"
I imagine those same things going through Jon's mind as he returns to life at college. I understand his questioning, his not wanting to do anything. I also understand his turn around, realizing it is not honoring your loved one to give up; nor does it honor Christ. Life happens, our hearts break, our world falls apart, but we don't have to. God can give the strength to get through it, to persevere and grow. It would have been so easy to shut down and shut everyone out, but He was my reason for getting up and continuing.
He still is my sole reason for living. Without Him, life would be pointless. He gives me purpose, fills me when I am empty, lets me cry when I am broken, shares my joy, strengthens me, love me, loves through me, forgives me and shows me how to forgive. Each trial and joy in my life has taught me another aspect of His character. I don't always like life's situations and I almost never understand them, but I know that I am not facing them alone.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
As the holiday season busyness sets in and the year begins to wind down I look at what has happened throughout this year. I started the year off with one girl who had been with me since March of last year and another who moved in the end of Jan this year. We went through many ups and downs and now, mid Nov, I am sitting in my home alone. The girl who lived with me a year and a half almost is with another family in neighboring city and the one who moved in in Jan went through a series of acute hospitalizations beginning in May until she ended up in a residential facility in Chattanooga, where she has been since Aug.
I never would have seen any of this coming and I can't really predict what will happen next. I do know I have refused to take in any more kids full time while she is away b/c i want her to have a home to come back to and I want us to be able to work through any problems or issues when she comes home without me being distracted by caring for more than one child. She gets to come home for Thanksgiving (which is 1 year from when we met); and we are both excited about that. After that regular visitations should begin which should lead to her returning home in the next few months.
Going into foster care has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences in my life. I never would have dreamed the situations we have been through in a million years, but I would not trade what I have learned about myself, others and more importantly God through these experiences. He is giving me a strength and confidence through it that have helped me in other areas of life as well as a compassion and love that comes only from him.
Other changes throughout the year had to do with life and jobs. Going back to part time at GP at the beginning of the year, I made an active decision not to take on another consistent job. I worked in places that would allow me flexibility for the girls and the summer off, which had I not done, i would have lost the job anyway when life with the girls got so crazy. I would not have been able to keep a non flexible job, so it was def for the best.
As we close out the year, our church is moving. We will begin the new year in a different location which means we are ending the year in craziness trying to make that happen as smoothly as possible. There are so many little things to consider and do, so many ways to try and simplify, but in the end it will all be worth it. We will be in our new location, at our new time and all our hard work to make it happen will pay off. There is a peace about the move and we are excited to see how God is going to use this move for His glory.
These are only the major events and changes. There have been so many and so many ups and downs to accompany them. I try to sort them all, learn from them, grow from them, but sometimes I just let them overwhelm me. Thankfully God is in charge and has control of the situation. I just have to remember that and quit trying to be in charge.
Holidays are approaching and I have been trying to figure out how to do everything and see everyone. It just isn't possible, esp with added life events that are not usually factors, so I have to trust that just b/c I don't get to see everyone when I want or for how long I want they know I love them and care about them, but sometimes life does not work the way we want it to. [I have yet to figure out how to be in 3 places at once (and believe me, I have tried). I am pretty sure that is b/c 3 of me would be a disaster--one is enough of a handful. :~}]
I never would have seen any of this coming and I can't really predict what will happen next. I do know I have refused to take in any more kids full time while she is away b/c i want her to have a home to come back to and I want us to be able to work through any problems or issues when she comes home without me being distracted by caring for more than one child. She gets to come home for Thanksgiving (which is 1 year from when we met); and we are both excited about that. After that regular visitations should begin which should lead to her returning home in the next few months.
Going into foster care has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences in my life. I never would have dreamed the situations we have been through in a million years, but I would not trade what I have learned about myself, others and more importantly God through these experiences. He is giving me a strength and confidence through it that have helped me in other areas of life as well as a compassion and love that comes only from him.
Other changes throughout the year had to do with life and jobs. Going back to part time at GP at the beginning of the year, I made an active decision not to take on another consistent job. I worked in places that would allow me flexibility for the girls and the summer off, which had I not done, i would have lost the job anyway when life with the girls got so crazy. I would not have been able to keep a non flexible job, so it was def for the best.
As we close out the year, our church is moving. We will begin the new year in a different location which means we are ending the year in craziness trying to make that happen as smoothly as possible. There are so many little things to consider and do, so many ways to try and simplify, but in the end it will all be worth it. We will be in our new location, at our new time and all our hard work to make it happen will pay off. There is a peace about the move and we are excited to see how God is going to use this move for His glory.
These are only the major events and changes. There have been so many and so many ups and downs to accompany them. I try to sort them all, learn from them, grow from them, but sometimes I just let them overwhelm me. Thankfully God is in charge and has control of the situation. I just have to remember that and quit trying to be in charge.
Holidays are approaching and I have been trying to figure out how to do everything and see everyone. It just isn't possible, esp with added life events that are not usually factors, so I have to trust that just b/c I don't get to see everyone when I want or for how long I want they know I love them and care about them, but sometimes life does not work the way we want it to. [I have yet to figure out how to be in 3 places at once (and believe me, I have tried). I am pretty sure that is b/c 3 of me would be a disaster--one is enough of a handful. :~}]
Friday, June 29, 2012
the test continues
Sometimes I hate being right, especially when being right means complete upheaval and difficulty. Several months ago I predicted my life would flip upside down and I am not being disappointed, but through it all my renewed confidence stands strong. It is an interesting feeling to be completely emotionally exhausted and heartbroken while having a peace and strength through it all. This year is becoming a year of some of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.
One of those decisions includes saying goodbye to one of the girls in my home. It has been over a year. We have come through many things, but we are at a point where someone else may be able to continue the job God called me to begin. It is time for someone else to step in for the next phase and take her to another level. I have asked to continue being a part of her life if possible. I love her and want to see her grow. Yet i know her time in my house is coming to an end. I know this as clearly as I knew i was supposed to take her and the others who have lived in my house. (the girls do not yet know)
My other child is in the hospital again. Unfortunately another prediction come true. I said when she came home last time if something did not change she would be back in 3 weeks and that is exactly what happened. The first thing she asked her case worker was if I was kicking her out. I can't imagine having to live with that being a constant fear (yet isnt that what i am doing to my other child?) With her I feel this is the time to stand beside her and show her she is worth something. She has been rejected from so many different ppl for so many various reasons. No one has ever stood by her. There is not one person in her life who has been there for longer than a couple years. At 15 I had many ppl in my life who had been there since birth. I cant imagine what she must be feeling or how difficult life must be for her.
And still, the test goes on. This is still not the end. There is more to come in the next couple of months. I am just not sure what it looks like yet.
One of those decisions includes saying goodbye to one of the girls in my home. It has been over a year. We have come through many things, but we are at a point where someone else may be able to continue the job God called me to begin. It is time for someone else to step in for the next phase and take her to another level. I have asked to continue being a part of her life if possible. I love her and want to see her grow. Yet i know her time in my house is coming to an end. I know this as clearly as I knew i was supposed to take her and the others who have lived in my house. (the girls do not yet know)
My other child is in the hospital again. Unfortunately another prediction come true. I said when she came home last time if something did not change she would be back in 3 weeks and that is exactly what happened. The first thing she asked her case worker was if I was kicking her out. I can't imagine having to live with that being a constant fear (yet isnt that what i am doing to my other child?) With her I feel this is the time to stand beside her and show her she is worth something. She has been rejected from so many different ppl for so many various reasons. No one has ever stood by her. There is not one person in her life who has been there for longer than a couple years. At 15 I had many ppl in my life who had been there since birth. I cant imagine what she must be feeling or how difficult life must be for her.
And still, the test goes on. This is still not the end. There is more to come in the next couple of months. I am just not sure what it looks like yet.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Faith Testing Feelings
Several months ago i got a feeling something big was about to happen, something faith testing. I could not determine if this thing would be good or bad, just faith testing. Well I am beginning to believe Iam in the middle of it. The past month and a half have been more than a little crazy, esp where the children are concerned. I think something fairly big happened about every other day until last Sunday when one of my children ended up having to leave the house for a while to get help more than I can give. She will be back tomorrow. We have spoken every night and i was able to visit her today. Maybe there will be some good in all this. I think i am already seeing some good come from it.
I believe this is part of my "faith testing." Things have definitely been difficult the last several weeks and I have been at my wits end. Yet through it all, I am gaining a stronger confidence than I have ever had and I know I am doing what I was called to do with these girls. I dont know how long we will all be together, but for now we will just work through the difficulties that are being thrown at us from so many sides.
This is only part of what is going on. I feel like my life is completely flipping upside down in so many ways. Maybe b/c that is what happened 10 years ago when my father died; or maybe b/c i am seeing things in a different light. I am realizing relationships are never what they seem; some are stronger, yet some are just a farce, while others are there, but with no time to really cultivate them. Maybe my feelings about relationships are involved in the faith testing. I dont know, I am rambling...
But I do know this: The test of faith is just beginning. These girls and their struggles are only part of it. There is more to come. Again, not necessarily bad, but the testing of faith is difficult, even when it is a good thing. I guess that is why it is called a test.
I believe this is part of my "faith testing." Things have definitely been difficult the last several weeks and I have been at my wits end. Yet through it all, I am gaining a stronger confidence than I have ever had and I know I am doing what I was called to do with these girls. I dont know how long we will all be together, but for now we will just work through the difficulties that are being thrown at us from so many sides.
This is only part of what is going on. I feel like my life is completely flipping upside down in so many ways. Maybe b/c that is what happened 10 years ago when my father died; or maybe b/c i am seeing things in a different light. I am realizing relationships are never what they seem; some are stronger, yet some are just a farce, while others are there, but with no time to really cultivate them. Maybe my feelings about relationships are involved in the faith testing. I dont know, I am rambling...
But I do know this: The test of faith is just beginning. These girls and their struggles are only part of it. There is more to come. Again, not necessarily bad, but the testing of faith is difficult, even when it is a good thing. I guess that is why it is called a test.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Up in the Air
Ever feel like your entire life is up in the air? It seems that is the story of my life right now. I know some big, faith testing things are around the corner, but i have no clue what capacity they will present themselves. (I also believe there are big changes coming for GP that will not necessarily be easy, but will be for the best and will help the church grow in many ways) The good thing about it is, for the most part, I am okay just to wait...to see what the future holds...
Thinking of my life being up in the air brings me to my girls. Really, I have nothing to complain or worry about. I have family and friends who will take care of me even if worst come to worse, but these girls...well they dont have that. Both are in positions i can't even fathom.
One has been adopted and given back more than once; (not for anything she has done, but b/c she did not fit a certain mold) and in all honesty, the system has completely done her a disservice resulting in her losing contact with her biological siblings. The feelings of rejection she faces are completely understandable. I would not want to go through the process again either.
The other is about to find out her parents rights are going to be terminated (she was supposed to find out monday, but circmstances put it off). She will lose all contact with her parents, crushing the hope she has of going home. Though I know this is the right thing for her, she will not understand, and i do not relish seeing her heart broken.
While I can know and understand that even though I feel my life is in the air, really it is completely taken care of by God, my girls do not have that faith and understanding. They do not have the peace that comes with knowing that even though nothing else seems to be going right, you are sitting in the comforting arms of Christ and are not facing it alone. One only accepted Christ a month ago and the other has no clue. It is hard enough for me, who has been a Christ follower most of my life, to let go, but a child who trusts no one (for good reason) and has been abandoned and let down every time she turned around...
My prayer is to know how to show them, support them and love them through all this. I want to walk along side them for this season of life, being a godly example and a loving parental figure. I want them to know and feel God's unending love and to see their worth through His eyes--to realize that even though life may be up in the air, they are not alone and there is something amazing waiting for them.
Thinking of my life being up in the air brings me to my girls. Really, I have nothing to complain or worry about. I have family and friends who will take care of me even if worst come to worse, but these girls...well they dont have that. Both are in positions i can't even fathom.
One has been adopted and given back more than once; (not for anything she has done, but b/c she did not fit a certain mold) and in all honesty, the system has completely done her a disservice resulting in her losing contact with her biological siblings. The feelings of rejection she faces are completely understandable. I would not want to go through the process again either.
The other is about to find out her parents rights are going to be terminated (she was supposed to find out monday, but circmstances put it off). She will lose all contact with her parents, crushing the hope she has of going home. Though I know this is the right thing for her, she will not understand, and i do not relish seeing her heart broken.
While I can know and understand that even though I feel my life is in the air, really it is completely taken care of by God, my girls do not have that faith and understanding. They do not have the peace that comes with knowing that even though nothing else seems to be going right, you are sitting in the comforting arms of Christ and are not facing it alone. One only accepted Christ a month ago and the other has no clue. It is hard enough for me, who has been a Christ follower most of my life, to let go, but a child who trusts no one (for good reason) and has been abandoned and let down every time she turned around...
My prayer is to know how to show them, support them and love them through all this. I want to walk along side them for this season of life, being a godly example and a loving parental figure. I want them to know and feel God's unending love and to see their worth through His eyes--to realize that even though life may be up in the air, they are not alone and there is something amazing waiting for them.
Monday, February 20, 2012
God is AWESOME
God never ceases to amaze me! I go back and forth (as I am sure most parents do) about whether or not I am doing the right thing by "my" kids, but i know God put them here for a reason. (we'll get back to this in a moment)
So today we had baptism. One of the ladies who was baptized has been in and out of our (the church) lives for the past few years. Her story and that of her husband who attends with her and their children is an amazing one of God's awesomeness. One of the great things about baptism is that allows for a completely evangelistic service.
One of my friends, who redidicated his life this past summer, decided to be baptized after witnessing the other celebrations and listening to the sermon. I was able to come in for that portion of the service and sit with my great friend as she watched her husband show the church his recommitment to our Lord and Savior. Then, of course, i had to leave to be ready for service to end.
As the service let out one of my friends comes to tell me my oldest is talking with the pastor in the back. About 5 minutes later, she and one of her friends come up to me to tell me she got saved! She turned her life over to Christ! How AWESOME is that!?!
I of course did what all parents do, hugged her tightly and promptly went to tell my friends and burst into tears. This is the reason God put them here...so they will know His great love and will see first hand that love in others. I am just thankful He is allowing me t be a part of it.
Now, I havent asked all the questions yet b/c a friend came home with her and we have all just been hanging out. I know she understands the decision she made b/c she was talking with Jason and he is very good about explaining and very intentional about being sure the person he is speaking with fully comprehends what is taking place. Not to say we wont have that conversation, b/c we will, but my heart is at peace b/c she has been talking with ppl I know and trust when it comes to spiritual issues like this.
All this to say God is moving (as always) and is allowing me to see that movement. He is encouraging me and using me though I make so thorough a mess. He is using Grace Park to change the lives of the girls who have been in and out of my home. And he is using those girls to change me.
So today we had baptism. One of the ladies who was baptized has been in and out of our (the church) lives for the past few years. Her story and that of her husband who attends with her and their children is an amazing one of God's awesomeness. One of the great things about baptism is that allows for a completely evangelistic service.
One of my friends, who redidicated his life this past summer, decided to be baptized after witnessing the other celebrations and listening to the sermon. I was able to come in for that portion of the service and sit with my great friend as she watched her husband show the church his recommitment to our Lord and Savior. Then, of course, i had to leave to be ready for service to end.
As the service let out one of my friends comes to tell me my oldest is talking with the pastor in the back. About 5 minutes later, she and one of her friends come up to me to tell me she got saved! She turned her life over to Christ! How AWESOME is that!?!
I of course did what all parents do, hugged her tightly and promptly went to tell my friends and burst into tears. This is the reason God put them here...so they will know His great love and will see first hand that love in others. I am just thankful He is allowing me t be a part of it.
Now, I havent asked all the questions yet b/c a friend came home with her and we have all just been hanging out. I know she understands the decision she made b/c she was talking with Jason and he is very good about explaining and very intentional about being sure the person he is speaking with fully comprehends what is taking place. Not to say we wont have that conversation, b/c we will, but my heart is at peace b/c she has been talking with ppl I know and trust when it comes to spiritual issues like this.
All this to say God is moving (as always) and is allowing me to see that movement. He is encouraging me and using me though I make so thorough a mess. He is using Grace Park to change the lives of the girls who have been in and out of my home. And he is using those girls to change me.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wrestling
The last few weeks in my house have been crazy (not like that's anything new!) We had a 14 year old move in with us last weekend. Before she came, there was a 12 year old staying here for a couple of weeks, just until Sam moved in. Since then we had a 13 year old stay for a day. Lots of ppl in and out--kids, case workers, counselors, etc.
So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her. I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother. I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn. Really, much sadness has been in my home.
During this we decided to watch Courageous. Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)
I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?" Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them? How would my girls respond to this?
What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ?? How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me? If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before. They did not go well.
In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.
I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it. God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly. I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ. I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.
So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her. I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother. I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn. Really, much sadness has been in my home.
During this we decided to watch Courageous. Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)
I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?" Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them? How would my girls respond to this?
What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ?? How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me? If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before. They did not go well.
In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.
I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it. God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly. I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ. I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Thanksgivng
Thankgiving--the time of year when we make a point to get together with family/friends and talk about our many things for which we are thankful...yes we should be thankful always, but this time of year we tend to reflect more on the blessings in life.
One of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions is to get together with my dad's side of the family at my cousin's house the saturday before or after Thanksgiving. We eat in the garage and share things we are thankful for from prompts (favorite modern convenience, time of year, etc). One of the things i most love is how many of our answers turn back to Christ. This year one of my cousins had the ? "what person in history are you most thankful for?" His answer was Christ, which is the answer for so many of us, but in this case--well, 2 years ago that would not have been his answer. His surrender to Christ has been recent and it brings me unspeakable joy to see and hear the difference Christ is making in his life--or in anyone's life.
Another tradition i have kind of adopted is to stay here in TN and have anyone who may not have a place to go, who may not have family around, get together for dinner. Some friends and I have adopted this tradition together. It is amazing to see the random families God brings to this event each year. This year we had 27 ppl gather, some whose families are out of state or not around, some who just needed a place to go.
Two days before Thanksgiving I got a call asking if I could take a girl whose Thanksgiving plans fell through. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to have to spend a holiday at the mercy of ppl you have never even met. She was very kind and helpful--a 14 yr old who threw the football with the guys, played well with all the kids and was as respectul as she could be.
I am thankful she was able to join us this year. Her presence also reminded me how blessed i am to have such great friends and family. I will always have a place to go home to, whether it is my brother's in NY, my mom's in GA, or a friend's here in TN. On the multiple occasions i have spent Christmas day here, I aways had multiple offers of places to go--ppl i know and love, not random strangers whom i have never met. Yet so often I take these friends and family for granted. I forget what a blessing it truly is to have them. This year, having foster children in my home, I am greatly reminded how God blessed me with the family He gave, with the friends He has made to be my extended family.
One of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions is to get together with my dad's side of the family at my cousin's house the saturday before or after Thanksgiving. We eat in the garage and share things we are thankful for from prompts (favorite modern convenience, time of year, etc). One of the things i most love is how many of our answers turn back to Christ. This year one of my cousins had the ? "what person in history are you most thankful for?" His answer was Christ, which is the answer for so many of us, but in this case--well, 2 years ago that would not have been his answer. His surrender to Christ has been recent and it brings me unspeakable joy to see and hear the difference Christ is making in his life--or in anyone's life.
Another tradition i have kind of adopted is to stay here in TN and have anyone who may not have a place to go, who may not have family around, get together for dinner. Some friends and I have adopted this tradition together. It is amazing to see the random families God brings to this event each year. This year we had 27 ppl gather, some whose families are out of state or not around, some who just needed a place to go.
Two days before Thanksgiving I got a call asking if I could take a girl whose Thanksgiving plans fell through. I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to have to spend a holiday at the mercy of ppl you have never even met. She was very kind and helpful--a 14 yr old who threw the football with the guys, played well with all the kids and was as respectul as she could be.
I am thankful she was able to join us this year. Her presence also reminded me how blessed i am to have such great friends and family. I will always have a place to go home to, whether it is my brother's in NY, my mom's in GA, or a friend's here in TN. On the multiple occasions i have spent Christmas day here, I aways had multiple offers of places to go--ppl i know and love, not random strangers whom i have never met. Yet so often I take these friends and family for granted. I forget what a blessing it truly is to have them. This year, having foster children in my home, I am greatly reminded how God blessed me with the family He gave, with the friends He has made to be my extended family.
Monday, November 7, 2011
"Fix" it
Many of my friends have husbands or dads who just want to "fix" everything. (my dad was like this) If they are sad, hurt, or frustrated the husband or father wants to offer a solution or take away the pain or problem, but many times this is not possible or actually what is needed.
Now, we all know I am not a "normal" girl (as some of my friends so graciously pointed out to me this weekend). I tend to have that same problem--i want to fix things for other ppl. I think we all ache when somone we love is in pain or is going through a hard time, but lately it seems most ppl around me are struggling in some way, whether it be with church, family, finances, the past, whatever. I just wish I could take away the pain and make it better. I have it in my head if I just say the right thing, it will make the difference. I can take away their pain or keep them from self destructing (if that is the case). Unfortunately, that is not so.
I think back to this summer when i was in such a miserable place. It seemed that all aspects of life were simultaneously falling apart. I knew (in my head) the right answers, but i couldnt quite get there. It didnt matter what anyone said, I had to wrestle it out with myself and with God on my own. That is where these ppl are, yet for some reason I think I can help them.
I was sitting in church on Sunday listening to the music. It was all about focusing on Christ and keeping Him in the center and it hit me--i am so wrapped up in trying to fix all these ppl, I am not focusing on God like I should. This summer I was so wrapped up in my kids and in other ppl i forgot to just reflect on Christ and who he is. Not only that, but nothing i can do or say is going to make a difference in the long run if they are not ready to hear it. And if i am not focusing on Christ myself, how am I going to point others in His direction.
My biggest problem is that i found myself actig like someone I am not. I was trying to push a conversation that was not supposed to happen, at least not yet. Why push it? B/c I thought i had some major insight that would make a difference. Please, who am i? I am giving myself waaayy to much credit.
I am not saying being a friend and listening or offering advice and challenges on occasion are not appropriate or needed. Those things are definitely needed! But I have to know that my words or actions are not going to change someone elses spiritual or emotional state. It can help them to know they are not alone and have somone to talk with or cry with, but apart from Christ I can do nothing for them...only with Christ working through me and in them can a difference be made.
I was trying to make it about me--to accept responsibility for things I have no control over. If someone wants to self-destruct or stay mad, nothing I say is going to convince them they are wrong (dont worry, i will still try, but i will hopefully listen to God's timing a little more instead of trying to force a conversation someone is not ready to have.
Now, we all know I am not a "normal" girl (as some of my friends so graciously pointed out to me this weekend). I tend to have that same problem--i want to fix things for other ppl. I think we all ache when somone we love is in pain or is going through a hard time, but lately it seems most ppl around me are struggling in some way, whether it be with church, family, finances, the past, whatever. I just wish I could take away the pain and make it better. I have it in my head if I just say the right thing, it will make the difference. I can take away their pain or keep them from self destructing (if that is the case). Unfortunately, that is not so.
I think back to this summer when i was in such a miserable place. It seemed that all aspects of life were simultaneously falling apart. I knew (in my head) the right answers, but i couldnt quite get there. It didnt matter what anyone said, I had to wrestle it out with myself and with God on my own. That is where these ppl are, yet for some reason I think I can help them.
I was sitting in church on Sunday listening to the music. It was all about focusing on Christ and keeping Him in the center and it hit me--i am so wrapped up in trying to fix all these ppl, I am not focusing on God like I should. This summer I was so wrapped up in my kids and in other ppl i forgot to just reflect on Christ and who he is. Not only that, but nothing i can do or say is going to make a difference in the long run if they are not ready to hear it. And if i am not focusing on Christ myself, how am I going to point others in His direction.
My biggest problem is that i found myself actig like someone I am not. I was trying to push a conversation that was not supposed to happen, at least not yet. Why push it? B/c I thought i had some major insight that would make a difference. Please, who am i? I am giving myself waaayy to much credit.
I am not saying being a friend and listening or offering advice and challenges on occasion are not appropriate or needed. Those things are definitely needed! But I have to know that my words or actions are not going to change someone elses spiritual or emotional state. It can help them to know they are not alone and have somone to talk with or cry with, but apart from Christ I can do nothing for them...only with Christ working through me and in them can a difference be made.
I was trying to make it about me--to accept responsibility for things I have no control over. If someone wants to self-destruct or stay mad, nothing I say is going to convince them they are wrong (dont worry, i will still try, but i will hopefully listen to God's timing a little more instead of trying to force a conversation someone is not ready to have.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
children today
So, I pull up to school today and begin to worry when I do not see my child. Upon asking a teacher where she is, I learn she is in the office b/c of a "discipline issue." At my obviously shocked and beginning to get upset face, she quickly explained that Serina was the cussee, not the cusser. So, why is she being cussed out at school..at all?....
Lets start with yesterday when I picked her up. There was a girl mouthing off at her when i pulled in. I could tell somethng was up and wanted to put the child in her place b/c it was apparent she was being hateful, but I am not a teacher and did not know the situation. Well, no sooner was Serina in the car that she told me she was going to see the principal in the morning.
With a bit of investigating I learn this child who was mouthing off had been extremely hateful to her. They have never talked before and Serina said she was not even talking with her, she was talking to somone else (not that she is always truthful, and she can be sensitive). I told her to stay away from that girl--she is obviously not a happy child and is just wanting to start something so dont get anywhere near her; but if she did to tell a teacher immediately. I figured that should be possible since they have never talked before.
...so, back to today...
The way it would seem, according to the counselor is this...Someone asked Serina to come over where the girl was b/c she wanted to ask her a ?. She asked her if she was a "foster kid." Serina answered yes and the nice, well meaning child decided to tell her what she thought of "foster kids" in terms that well bred 11 or 12 year olds should not be using, much less even know.
Now, there may have been a bit more to it than that, but still...who does that? And I dont want to hear that junk about kids being kids or you know how mean kids are b/c honestly, most kids by nature are not that mean. They are selfish yes, but they become mean b/c they see it or experience it; and since my thoughts about this child and her upbringing are currently not nice and somewhat judgemental, I will keep them to myself and ask for forgiveness, but it truly angers me that she would have to endure comments like that.
Lets start with yesterday when I picked her up. There was a girl mouthing off at her when i pulled in. I could tell somethng was up and wanted to put the child in her place b/c it was apparent she was being hateful, but I am not a teacher and did not know the situation. Well, no sooner was Serina in the car that she told me she was going to see the principal in the morning.
With a bit of investigating I learn this child who was mouthing off had been extremely hateful to her. They have never talked before and Serina said she was not even talking with her, she was talking to somone else (not that she is always truthful, and she can be sensitive). I told her to stay away from that girl--she is obviously not a happy child and is just wanting to start something so dont get anywhere near her; but if she did to tell a teacher immediately. I figured that should be possible since they have never talked before.
...so, back to today...
The way it would seem, according to the counselor is this...Someone asked Serina to come over where the girl was b/c she wanted to ask her a ?. She asked her if she was a "foster kid." Serina answered yes and the nice, well meaning child decided to tell her what she thought of "foster kids" in terms that well bred 11 or 12 year olds should not be using, much less even know.
Now, there may have been a bit more to it than that, but still...who does that? And I dont want to hear that junk about kids being kids or you know how mean kids are b/c honestly, most kids by nature are not that mean. They are selfish yes, but they become mean b/c they see it or experience it; and since my thoughts about this child and her upbringing are currently not nice and somewhat judgemental, I will keep them to myself and ask for forgiveness, but it truly angers me that she would have to endure comments like that.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Best Thing Ever
Okay, I know i am not a real parent, and I know I call all the kids I work with "my" kids, but these kids who are in and out of my house I definitely consider to be part mine. No, I did not give birth to them, but having them live in my house and put up with my rules has to give me some right to claim them at least a little ;~}
Like all parents, I go through many ups and downs with feeling like i may be damaging my kids more than helping them. But since i have no doubt whatsoever that God called me to do this, my frustrations are alleviated and I trust He will give me wisdom. Even with all the challenges, i do not regret inviting these kids into my home and sharing life with them.
As I look back over the past several months, i see an 11 year old who still has a ways to go, but is definitely not the same child who entered my house in March. It is amazing to see how consistency and having positive encouraging ppl in her life have begun to change her (thanks to my community group, church, family and neighbors). We still have many things to work through, but isnt that just how it goes?
Then I look back at the 17 year old who recently left my home to spend her senior year with a family in her home town. Boy did we have our ups and downs! But even with everything we went through, there was a glimmer of hope that something she learned while here, someone she met, made a positive difference. She talked about the ppl she met at Grace Park, how genuine they are in their faith. She saw ppl love her unconditionally, even though that didnt look the way she expected it to.
Well, last weekend I got a call from her. She told me the one thing every Christian parent longs to hear...last week, in her new foster home she accepted Christ! AWESOME! What else could a person want to hear? Even more amazing is the fact that as that was happening, both her RC and I were talking about how we wished she would surrender to Christ and praying for her, not knowing our prayers were being answered right then.
I asked Jessica if she felt different. She said yes. She said she always thought when she made that decision things would immediately be easier. She realizes that is not the case, but now when the choice comes up the answer is more clear than it has been in the past. She is finding joy in praising God for the blessings in her life. Oh, life will still be a challenge, but now she has the key to the answers. It is truly amazing!
There will always be ups and downs with our kids, but the absolute BEST thing in the world is knowing they have surrendered to Christ's call. May He guide their steps and draw them, and myself, closer to HIM each day!
Like all parents, I go through many ups and downs with feeling like i may be damaging my kids more than helping them. But since i have no doubt whatsoever that God called me to do this, my frustrations are alleviated and I trust He will give me wisdom. Even with all the challenges, i do not regret inviting these kids into my home and sharing life with them.
As I look back over the past several months, i see an 11 year old who still has a ways to go, but is definitely not the same child who entered my house in March. It is amazing to see how consistency and having positive encouraging ppl in her life have begun to change her (thanks to my community group, church, family and neighbors). We still have many things to work through, but isnt that just how it goes?
Then I look back at the 17 year old who recently left my home to spend her senior year with a family in her home town. Boy did we have our ups and downs! But even with everything we went through, there was a glimmer of hope that something she learned while here, someone she met, made a positive difference. She talked about the ppl she met at Grace Park, how genuine they are in their faith. She saw ppl love her unconditionally, even though that didnt look the way she expected it to.
Well, last weekend I got a call from her. She told me the one thing every Christian parent longs to hear...last week, in her new foster home she accepted Christ! AWESOME! What else could a person want to hear? Even more amazing is the fact that as that was happening, both her RC and I were talking about how we wished she would surrender to Christ and praying for her, not knowing our prayers were being answered right then.
I asked Jessica if she felt different. She said yes. She said she always thought when she made that decision things would immediately be easier. She realizes that is not the case, but now when the choice comes up the answer is more clear than it has been in the past. She is finding joy in praising God for the blessings in her life. Oh, life will still be a challenge, but now she has the key to the answers. It is truly amazing!
There will always be ups and downs with our kids, but the absolute BEST thing in the world is knowing they have surrendered to Christ's call. May He guide their steps and draw them, and myself, closer to HIM each day!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Best and Worst
So, usually while we are eating we have a "best" and "worst" time. Each of the girls has to say what was the best and worst part of the day (somehow i never say mine--they dont ask). The other day I had an extra 12 year old (b/c sometime they call and need an emergency respite for someone). It was just Serina, she and I eating and I asked best and worst for the day...
When it came Tracy's turn (the 12 year old who is many ways is much older) her answer for worst was realizing she is homeless. And I think i have bad days....I mean, what do you say to that? The fact is, it is true. She has no where to go. That was why she was at my house for a night. She was actually doing an adoption video the next day to let ppl know she is ready and available to be adopted.
Earlier she told us the foster mother she was just with said her family never loved her. Now why on earth would you tell anyone, let alone a child, that even if it were true? I told her I was sure her family loved her in the only way they knew how. It is possible they never had anyone show them true love so they did not know how to show others. (theres a bit more to her story, but...)
Needless to say, the worst of my day Wed was seeing the "junk" these kids (and so many others) go through and knowing there are parents, and foster parents, who treat these kids like they are lower than dirt. My best is knowing that even though they dont like it much of the time, at least there are 2 who for the past 5 months or so have at least one person who is consistent in their lives and who truly does care. They may not like the way I care sometimes, but they need it. For once they can rest in safety and though the stresses and junk in life does not go away, it is not as prevelent. They can just enjoy being kids every once in a while)
When it came Tracy's turn (the 12 year old who is many ways is much older) her answer for worst was realizing she is homeless. And I think i have bad days....I mean, what do you say to that? The fact is, it is true. She has no where to go. That was why she was at my house for a night. She was actually doing an adoption video the next day to let ppl know she is ready and available to be adopted.
Earlier she told us the foster mother she was just with said her family never loved her. Now why on earth would you tell anyone, let alone a child, that even if it were true? I told her I was sure her family loved her in the only way they knew how. It is possible they never had anyone show them true love so they did not know how to show others. (theres a bit more to her story, but...)
Needless to say, the worst of my day Wed was seeing the "junk" these kids (and so many others) go through and knowing there are parents, and foster parents, who treat these kids like they are lower than dirt. My best is knowing that even though they dont like it much of the time, at least there are 2 who for the past 5 months or so have at least one person who is consistent in their lives and who truly does care. They may not like the way I care sometimes, but they need it. For once they can rest in safety and though the stresses and junk in life does not go away, it is not as prevelent. They can just enjoy being kids every once in a while)
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Got behind a funeral procession today while in a car full of ppl some of which don't know me at all. So when i am quiet the rest of the trip and then someone starts being ultra hateful specifically to and about me and i am unsuccessfully fighting back tears...well lets just say it was quite awkward for everyone...and they all thought my issue was the hatefulness. That did not help of course, but was not my biggest issue.
Plain and simple, I miss my father. Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard. They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond) the sunday before Fathers day. So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers. No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence. However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone. It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.
And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories.......and then to be having such a rough time, never having time to yourself, yet always being lonely, having amazing friends and family you never get to spend time with, you also get hit with more bad news from home and accusations and animosity from the ppl who should be most supporting you...it seems like it will never end.
I think all this has made me forget how to sing! Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing. I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not. My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that. It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....
Plain and simple, I miss my father. Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard. They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond) the sunday before Fathers day. So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers. No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence. However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone. It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.
And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories....
I think all this has made me forget how to sing! Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing. I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not. My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that. It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....
Monday, June 6, 2011
Nine years ago my world flipped upside down. My father died and the ppl delivering the news actually took pleasure in doing so. Today, nine years later, my heart still aches and breaks for all the things he has missed--my nephews being born, all the places I have lived, the girls who have joined me living here, and so many more. However, only for my sake, and that of my family am I heart broken. I would never wish him away from Jesus' feet where I long to be myself. But that does not mean I don't miss him continually and wish he were present for...well, for everything.
My father was not perfect by any means, but he always went out of his way to do for others. He drove 5 hours one way just to work on my car (change spark plugs, etc) and take my roommates and i to lunch before making the drive back home. His support for me was unwavering. He never said "I told you so" or discouraged me if I told him I was being led to do something. He encouraged me when things got rough and prayed with me while sending me verses from the Bible (as does my mom).
These characteristics are what comfort and strengthen me when invisioning God as my Father. I had a good example of what that should be--an example my girls do not have. It breaks my heart that the idea of God as a loving Father who supports them and will always be there is such a foreign, fearful even, concept. It does not bring them comfort, joy or peace as it does me. My prayer is that they will somehow be able to see inspite of the obstacles standing in their way.
I know these girls are in my home for a reason. We have faced some not so fun challenges and i have no doubt there are more to come. As frustrating and challenging as it has been, there have been some fun times too--and some great times of reflection. One of these girls has experienced many firsts since being in my home and it has been fun to watch. The other is on a journey discovering God and that He does have a purpose for her. There are no words to express the viewing of this process.
My prayer is that both these girls will discover the truth of God's love and will surrender to Him--that they will know they are loved, cherished and beautiful; that they can see themselves through God's eyes; that they may know my love for them is unconditional even though i may not always show it or it does not look the way they envisioned it.
My father was not perfect by any means, but he always went out of his way to do for others. He drove 5 hours one way just to work on my car (change spark plugs, etc) and take my roommates and i to lunch before making the drive back home. His support for me was unwavering. He never said "I told you so" or discouraged me if I told him I was being led to do something. He encouraged me when things got rough and prayed with me while sending me verses from the Bible (as does my mom).
These characteristics are what comfort and strengthen me when invisioning God as my Father. I had a good example of what that should be--an example my girls do not have. It breaks my heart that the idea of God as a loving Father who supports them and will always be there is such a foreign, fearful even, concept. It does not bring them comfort, joy or peace as it does me. My prayer is that they will somehow be able to see inspite of the obstacles standing in their way.
I know these girls are in my home for a reason. We have faced some not so fun challenges and i have no doubt there are more to come. As frustrating and challenging as it has been, there have been some fun times too--and some great times of reflection. One of these girls has experienced many firsts since being in my home and it has been fun to watch. The other is on a journey discovering God and that He does have a purpose for her. There are no words to express the viewing of this process.
My prayer is that both these girls will discover the truth of God's love and will surrender to Him--that they will know they are loved, cherished and beautiful; that they can see themselves through God's eyes; that they may know my love for them is unconditional even though i may not always show it or it does not look the way they envisioned it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Emotional basket case
Pretty sure being an emotional basket case is not a good thing for raising a 10 year old and a 17 year old. Of course they both definitely need to learn to allow their emotions to show and not be afraid of them, but mine are ridiculous. I blame my grandmother...and believe it or not, I am actually one of the least emotional of all my family. Scary thought! Oh well, they will get over it...they have no choice, they are stuck with me.
In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)
As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer
In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)
As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer
Friday, April 15, 2011
REALLY!?!
So, I am pretty sure my 17 year old just said she couldn't believe someone good looking would be attracted to me. Not what she meant, but definitely the way it came out. She saw a picture of a guy who liked me once upon a time (or at least claimed to) and her response, "Wow, he's really cute. I wasn't expecting that!"...THANKS JESS!
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Blind Side
So, while watching "The Blind Side" tonight with my 17 year old who has been living with me less than a week, I comment how hard it would be to just randomly stop on the road and let a stranger in your house. Jessica (my 17 year old) just looked at me as if i were crazy and scoffs. This girl (who spent several hours not talking to me tonight b/c i made her mad or offended her) says, "What do you think you are doing with me and Serina?" (Serina is my 10 year old who has been living here almost 4 weeks. My comment is..."that is a little different"...and to a degree it is. I have no family living in the house to be concerned about. I got a little information and time to make my decisions (sort of)...anyway...
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Confirmation
Ever had a decision to make, made the decision, but still wondered if it was right? What I love when this happens is the confirmation God sends, sometimes from the most unlikely of places or ppl. It doesn't always happen the way I want or think it should, but it does come--if I have been seeking God the entire time.
There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.
What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.
Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.
Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!
There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.
What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.
Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.
Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Ending Life as we know it
And tonight my life has changed for good. I had a 10 year old girl move in with me tonight. She has had a rough life that has shaped her in ways i can't even imagine (so pray for my wisdom). Already I am experiencing the changes that come with parenthood in that I am having to cancel my plans for tomorrow night b/c i can't leave my child...not that I am complaining, it is just a fact of life that happened with no warning. One minute i am a single woman, the next I am a woman with real responsibilities that come with complications most parents don't have.
I am excited and nervous all at the same time. This is something I prayed about before getting into and then when I though God may have been telling me to wait, He very obviously said NOW!...and today i have a child. After months of the process, He has chosen to place this girl with me. I am terrified of all that could happen. Yet I know God has a purpose. He placed this child in my care and He will take care of everyone involved.
The person who brought the child to my house is not her regular case worker. She was a little disappointed b/c she has a 12 year old in mind for me to take. We will see what happens. I am praying God's guidance and wisdom. This is going to be an interesting, trying and rewarding journey...and so it begins...
I am excited and nervous all at the same time. This is something I prayed about before getting into and then when I though God may have been telling me to wait, He very obviously said NOW!...and today i have a child. After months of the process, He has chosen to place this girl with me. I am terrified of all that could happen. Yet I know God has a purpose. He placed this child in my care and He will take care of everyone involved.
The person who brought the child to my house is not her regular case worker. She was a little disappointed b/c she has a 12 year old in mind for me to take. We will see what happens. I am praying God's guidance and wisdom. This is going to be an interesting, trying and rewarding journey...and so it begins...
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