I made the mistake of watching the Bachelor this week--which was highly entertaining for Brandi, who I watched with--and boy did it make me mad! What makes me more mad is how this is the life and entertainment our world is accustomed to--this is "reality" television. Really!

Why on earth would you set yourself up for heartbreak like that. Having your heart broken in the real world by some guy who decides you are not worth his time or trades you in for something "better" or who just doesn't work out is bad enough, but to voluntarily go on television where the world is watching as you let yourself get sucked into someone's lies about how much you mean to him when 10 minutes later he is kissing some other chick saying the same thing...well, you get my point.

All this being said, it was just one more reminder of how out of sync i am with "reality." I truly live in a different world...a world where I want the guy who likes me to like only me that way, to be kissing only me, and to wait until we get married for anything else. Is that really so far fetched? Am I crazy for wanting and waiting for that? And why is it that so many other Christians out there do not feel the same? Are we reading different Bibles? The Bible is clear and still just as true today as it was before. God does not change. His expectations do not change, yet we think we can do what we want with no consequences b/c surely He didn't mean that.

I have been told in the past (by a completely worldly person) that I would never get anyone to date me b/c i am not willing to go to bed with them and any guy who knows that would drop me in a heart beat. Well, my faith in Godly men is not completely shot b/c i know a few who are single and are 110% committed to Christ and following His word. However, if that statement made turns out to be true and I am single for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I can know I did not compromise myself just to combat the loneliness. And yes, sometimes it is lonely, but i refuse to settle. God has that godly man who is to be my husband out there somewhere...and when we meet, God will let us both know we are meant to be together.

My fear is that all these young impressionable teens and girls are seeing these shows and relationships portrayed in television and media and getting the wrong idea. They are learning they should settle and compromise themselves instead of standing up and being who they are with integrity. Yes, you will be ridiculed at some point, but that is nothing compared to the loss of self respect and the emotional turmoil you will add to an already difficult life by giving yourself to any and everyone or by compromising who God has called you to be for the sake of some guy. How can I help them value who they truly are and hold on to all God has for them in a world where that is the most backward thinking anyone can have?

This is just one of my many frustrations with the world today. This world is not my home and i truly feel like an alien in a strange land most of the time, but God has called me here for now and until He calls me home, I will live for Him and hopefully be an encouragement to others to do the same.

changes not so good

So I made a realization this week that has been 9 years in the making. I know there are some things...many things...about me that have changed. Some changes (most, i hope) have been for the better, but not all. One of the changes has been in my openness with others and in letting ppl in. Don't misunderstand...i am very social and good at talking with ppl; and I have great friends who i talk to about things, but i am very good at talking about myself without really saying anything. I have perfected the art of talking in circles. I have also gotten very good at keeping things to myself.

After my dad died, my pain obviously revolved around that heartbreak. It was all I talked about b/c it is what consumed me. Sometimes it still does, but i don't really think anyone wants to hear that all the time, so i hold on to it. For years I have associated the fact that I am not as open with ppl as i used to be with that, but that is not it at all really.

My first mission placement was beyond bad. I had a pastor/supervisor who made accusations against me that could have resulted in a federal investigation, "friends" who i spent all my time with who made up accusations against me that I chose not to fight after the first time b/c it wasn't worth it, and a church who decided to believe the lies of those two families.

My second mission placement began with supervisors who badmouthed the person who had just spent the last 2 years with them. They had control issues like you wouldn't believe. You can imagine we weren't the best of friends. I stayed out of their way, did what was expected, and did my own thing when they were gone...stayed under the radar after the first 2 months of torture and a huge blow up. That worked for us.

So, it is no wonder I am hesitant to voice my opinion or let ppl in...not that I don't ever talk to anyone...but i definitely need to learn to open up a little. I think i am trying to protect my heart (which just got broken recently b/c i let someone in who didn't value it) or trying to protect them from having to listen to me or worry b/c they are far away and don't need to be concerned with my problems, or protecting myself from rejection and criticism (I criticize myself enough, i don't need it from others).

It is odd though. We are all critiqued from time to time, but the critiques of random ppl don't bother me. I don't care if you agree with me or not. It is the fear of disappointing ppl i think i am close to (or want to be close to) that debilitates me.

I have never really considered myself a ppl pleaser, but essentially that is what i am. Now, I don't mind rocking the boat if it is for a cause I believe in. I don't particularly like confrontation, but i can do it. However, I go out of my way to make other ppl happy or comfortable. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but can be when it means I am selling myself short or not voicing my opinions.

I am an independent person. I am intelligent person. I am a woman of integrity, creativity, positivity and joy. But the person i described above is not displaying those characteristics. Those are the characteristics of a wounded, broken individual who has let the world and Satan dictate her actions, thoughts and feelings to a point where she does not even believe in herself. Who have I become?...and where is the real me?...or is this it?

Listening to lies

Everywhere I go, wherever I turn
I seems I'm hitting brick walls or getting burned
an endless maze keeps me twisting and confused
each corner presents one more compelling ruse
The lies continually press into my head
til I can't see the truth or hear what is said
I only hear the lies echoing inside
ripping me apart and ensnaring my mind
how to escape this endless cycle of sin
is a ? that plagues me time and again
for I know it is wrong to listen to lies
my true worth lies only in my Father's eyes
In Him alone should I trust, seek and adhere
If I can do that it will all become clear

Year End/New Year

Looking back over this year it is amazing the things that have happened...personally and with the church. It has been an amazing year! But with the amazing things that happen come the hard, heart-wrenching obstacles that never seem to cease.

We have seen so many great things this year: people coming to Grace Park who were first met 5 years ago, ppl surrendering to Christ after years of prayer and showing them Christ through love, opening 2 new classes for kids, seeing kids grow in Christ, an amazing kids camp and mission trip right here where we live, and so much more...

Personally I have been blessed to go full time at the church, buy a house in a neighborhood with great neighbors, and am about to be a foster parent of a17 year old.

However, right along with these things came the spiritual attacks, emotional battles and the real battles of finding ppl to volunteer for the classes and camps or having my heart broken or letting my emotions dictate my actions and turn me into someone I don't like. People are messy. Relationships are messy. Inner struggles and self-esteem are messy. In all that messiness, I can't help thinking I am so ready for this year to be over. I have been there for over a month now and that is not at all how I wanted to spend one of the greatest holiday seasons we have.

It has been a long year. With all the great things going on, the spiritual and emotional battles have made it the hardest year ever with the exception of the year my dad died and I was in such a rough placement on the mission field. Satan has attacked at every corner. I have been angry, hurt, have taken responsibility for things i have no control over and have beat myself up over everything b/c I lose my focus. I lose sight of Christ and listen to the lies. Unfortunately, these lies sometimes come in the form of ppl, not just thoughts. I have let them control my emotions and make me skeptical and angry with feelings of unworthiness and incompetence.

So, as many do at this time of year, I think about the new year and what it will bring. It is like I think the new year will wipe away all the hurt, anger and suffering of the last one...as if there is an easy button that you hit when the ball drops and it changes your perspective on things. But we all know that is not the case. Things do not change just because there is a new year.

Why do we decide to make a new year's resolution? Why do we start thinking about them months in advance? If we want to make a change, the time is NOW, whether it is January 1, April 8, September 30, etc. So where am I going with this?...

I can't flip a switch and make all the negativity of the past go away, but I can choose right now not to let it overcome me. I can only do this by staying in God's word, not to say Satan does not attack when I am in His word, but I am better able to withstand those attacks b/c I am prepared. God has made me a new creation. That means all the old things are gone and these attacks are fiery darts that God has given me the power to overcome. But I can't do it alone...and the problem is I try to.

The joys of the past year, the heartaches, the anger, the stress, the friends and family I have been there for and the ones i have let down...i can't change any of that, but I can learn from it. I can be the best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, aunt, etc. I can learn from the stress and I can quit letting Satan's lies get to me. I can do this by walking closely with my Lord and Savior and by realizing the only power I have is that which is given to me by Christ. It is not mine alone.

Thoughts on Easter

Easter is my absolutely favorite time of year! Yes, I love the contact we have in the community as a church, but that is not why i love Easter. This is the day of the year we celebrate the driving force behind every other day. I am blessed beyond measure and can not fathom why God chose me, why He has protected me from so much and allowed me to minister to ppl for Him. I am honored to be His Chosen, His Daughter! I only pray my life will honor and glorify Him.

Good Friday...everyone was posting comments about how every friday is good, but this one is awesome or things of that nature. I just thought, as I do every year, how amazing that a day we remember sorrow, torture, humiliation (you get the drift) is considered good. Yet it is the underlying reason, the fact that God loved me so much, that Jesus loved us so much he took my sins, your sins and bore them in our place. Why would anyone do that for me? When i see some of the ugliness that has been in my heart...WOW! God loved me enough anyway! I can not fathom.

Friday...God sacrificed His only son, who went willingly for us, but 3 days later....JESUS ROSE! Amazing, AWESOME, unbelievable! He conquered death and hell, took my sins, my ugliness, locked it away, and came back.

I am overwhelmed with Christ's love for me, humbled and ashamed. How can i know this about someone and still live so carelessly? How can I not love others and honor them just b/c i know what God did for me? Why do I worry about petty things when ppl are dying every day, aching for Him and not knowing what they are aching for? and what am I going to do about it?

My prayer is for God to use me as He sees fit, wherever that may be, whether it is for me to be single or not, in whatever way He chooses...whatever the cost. I am a little afraid, but I know God is with me and in me. He has never failed me as I have so often done Him and He will not let me go.

a shot for me

So, I am sitting at Micky Roo's hanging with my friend Leah and some friends of hers from work, listening to her husband Wes and another friend Matt play with their blues band and the waitress walks up with a shot glass and tells me the guy in the back bought me a drink...

Now that you are laughing and imagining my shock....

I look back and see a raised hand...just a hand, then I notice the girl next to the hand and laugh. My friend Chris and his girlfriend are sitting in the back. I go to talk with them. He is laughing so hard...tells me not to worry, it is just Dr. Pepper...and so we catch up.

For the record...that has to be the best joke ever played on me, esp since he knows me well enough to gauge the reaction. It was funny, and Leah was thoroughly amused at my shock.

Dreams come True

Have you ever worked and waited for something so long you thought the dream would never be realized? Here I sit, having just finished my last real day at PCCA (i am going to work as needed), amazed this day is actually here. After 4 and a half years of working 2-4 jobs at a time I am finally able to focus on what God called me here to do...Grace Park Kidz.

It is actually surreal!

Of course there is the fear and doubt Satan throws in that I will fall short and not be able to do it well, but I know God equips those He calls and He called me here. After all the trials, the struggles, the wondering if I was going to make it even with 3 jobs, it is all coming together.

I am sitting in my house getting ready to plan my first full time week at Grace Park that is not a vacation from another job and am overwhelmed at how God continues to bless me. There were times i wasn't sure this day would ever come, and who knows it may not last. However I will enjoy each moment there is and trust that whatever happens with it, God loves me and knows what I need more than I ever will.

I said this would be the year for change. The changes are beginning. Now i guess it's time to start working toward another dream :~)