So, usually while we are eating we have a "best" and "worst" time. Each of the girls has to say what was the best and worst part of the day (somehow i never say mine--they dont ask). The other day I had an extra 12 year old (b/c sometime they call and need an emergency respite for someone). It was just Serina, she and I eating and I asked best and worst for the day...
When it came Tracy's turn (the 12 year old who is many ways is much older) her answer for worst was realizing she is homeless. And I think i have bad days....I mean, what do you say to that? The fact is, it is true. She has no where to go. That was why she was at my house for a night. She was actually doing an adoption video the next day to let ppl know she is ready and available to be adopted.
Earlier she told us the foster mother she was just with said her family never loved her. Now why on earth would you tell anyone, let alone a child, that even if it were true? I told her I was sure her family loved her in the only way they knew how. It is possible they never had anyone show them true love so they did not know how to show others. (theres a bit more to her story, but...)
Needless to say, the worst of my day Wed was seeing the "junk" these kids (and so many others) go through and knowing there are parents, and foster parents, who treat these kids like they are lower than dirt. My best is knowing that even though they dont like it much of the time, at least there are 2 who for the past 5 months or so have at least one person who is consistent in their lives and who truly does care. They may not like the way I care sometimes, but they need it. For once they can rest in safety and though the stresses and junk in life does not go away, it is not as prevelent. They can just enjoy being kids every once in a while)
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Got behind a funeral procession today while in a car full of ppl some of which don't know me at all. So when i am quiet the rest of the trip and then someone starts being ultra hateful specifically to and about me and i am unsuccessfully fighting back tears...well lets just say it was quite awkward for everyone...and they all thought my issue was the hatefulness. That did not help of course, but was not my biggest issue.
Plain and simple, I miss my father. Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard. They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond) the sunday before Fathers day. So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers. No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence. However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone. It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.
And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories.......and then to be having such a rough time, never having time to yourself, yet always being lonely, having amazing friends and family you never get to spend time with, you also get hit with more bad news from home and accusations and animosity from the ppl who should be most supporting you...it seems like it will never end.
I think all this has made me forget how to sing! Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing. I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not. My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that. It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....
Plain and simple, I miss my father. Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard. They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond) the sunday before Fathers day. So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers. No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence. However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone. It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.
And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories....
I think all this has made me forget how to sing! Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing. I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not. My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that. It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....
Monday, June 6, 2011
Nine years ago my world flipped upside down. My father died and the ppl delivering the news actually took pleasure in doing so. Today, nine years later, my heart still aches and breaks for all the things he has missed--my nephews being born, all the places I have lived, the girls who have joined me living here, and so many more. However, only for my sake, and that of my family am I heart broken. I would never wish him away from Jesus' feet where I long to be myself. But that does not mean I don't miss him continually and wish he were present for...well, for everything.
My father was not perfect by any means, but he always went out of his way to do for others. He drove 5 hours one way just to work on my car (change spark plugs, etc) and take my roommates and i to lunch before making the drive back home. His support for me was unwavering. He never said "I told you so" or discouraged me if I told him I was being led to do something. He encouraged me when things got rough and prayed with me while sending me verses from the Bible (as does my mom).
These characteristics are what comfort and strengthen me when invisioning God as my Father. I had a good example of what that should be--an example my girls do not have. It breaks my heart that the idea of God as a loving Father who supports them and will always be there is such a foreign, fearful even, concept. It does not bring them comfort, joy or peace as it does me. My prayer is that they will somehow be able to see inspite of the obstacles standing in their way.
I know these girls are in my home for a reason. We have faced some not so fun challenges and i have no doubt there are more to come. As frustrating and challenging as it has been, there have been some fun times too--and some great times of reflection. One of these girls has experienced many firsts since being in my home and it has been fun to watch. The other is on a journey discovering God and that He does have a purpose for her. There are no words to express the viewing of this process.
My prayer is that both these girls will discover the truth of God's love and will surrender to Him--that they will know they are loved, cherished and beautiful; that they can see themselves through God's eyes; that they may know my love for them is unconditional even though i may not always show it or it does not look the way they envisioned it.
My father was not perfect by any means, but he always went out of his way to do for others. He drove 5 hours one way just to work on my car (change spark plugs, etc) and take my roommates and i to lunch before making the drive back home. His support for me was unwavering. He never said "I told you so" or discouraged me if I told him I was being led to do something. He encouraged me when things got rough and prayed with me while sending me verses from the Bible (as does my mom).
These characteristics are what comfort and strengthen me when invisioning God as my Father. I had a good example of what that should be--an example my girls do not have. It breaks my heart that the idea of God as a loving Father who supports them and will always be there is such a foreign, fearful even, concept. It does not bring them comfort, joy or peace as it does me. My prayer is that they will somehow be able to see inspite of the obstacles standing in their way.
I know these girls are in my home for a reason. We have faced some not so fun challenges and i have no doubt there are more to come. As frustrating and challenging as it has been, there have been some fun times too--and some great times of reflection. One of these girls has experienced many firsts since being in my home and it has been fun to watch. The other is on a journey discovering God and that He does have a purpose for her. There are no words to express the viewing of this process.
My prayer is that both these girls will discover the truth of God's love and will surrender to Him--that they will know they are loved, cherished and beautiful; that they can see themselves through God's eyes; that they may know my love for them is unconditional even though i may not always show it or it does not look the way they envisioned it.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Emotional basket case
Pretty sure being an emotional basket case is not a good thing for raising a 10 year old and a 17 year old. Of course they both definitely need to learn to allow their emotions to show and not be afraid of them, but mine are ridiculous. I blame my grandmother...and believe it or not, I am actually one of the least emotional of all my family. Scary thought! Oh well, they will get over it...they have no choice, they are stuck with me.
In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)
As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer
In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)
As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer
Friday, April 15, 2011
REALLY!?!
So, I am pretty sure my 17 year old just said she couldn't believe someone good looking would be attracted to me. Not what she meant, but definitely the way it came out. She saw a picture of a guy who liked me once upon a time (or at least claimed to) and her response, "Wow, he's really cute. I wasn't expecting that!"...THANKS JESS!
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Blind Side
So, while watching "The Blind Side" tonight with my 17 year old who has been living with me less than a week, I comment how hard it would be to just randomly stop on the road and let a stranger in your house. Jessica (my 17 year old) just looked at me as if i were crazy and scoffs. This girl (who spent several hours not talking to me tonight b/c i made her mad or offended her) says, "What do you think you are doing with me and Serina?" (Serina is my 10 year old who has been living here almost 4 weeks. My comment is..."that is a little different"...and to a degree it is. I have no family living in the house to be concerned about. I got a little information and time to make my decisions (sort of)...anyway...
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Confirmation
Ever had a decision to make, made the decision, but still wondered if it was right? What I love when this happens is the confirmation God sends, sometimes from the most unlikely of places or ppl. It doesn't always happen the way I want or think it should, but it does come--if I have been seeking God the entire time.
There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.
What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.
Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.
Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!
There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.
What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.
Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.
Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)