Eleven years ago the month of June looked something like this...
Thursday, June 6--dad died
Sunday, June 9--buried him
Sunday, June 16--Father's Day
Sunday, June 23--returned to Baltimore to a cruelty I did not realize could exist in a pastor who not only relished in my heartbreak and misery, but stabbed a knife in the wound, twisted and poured in salt (in front of about 15 ppl)
This year the dates line up exactly as they did 11 years ago with days of the week corresponding.
I tried not to mention it this year. It has been 11 years. It should not hurt so much.
But it does...and for some reason, this year what keeps going through my mind is what happened when I got back to MD. Usually my sub-conscience focuses on the loss itself, but this year it is that cruelty that keeps coming back. I dont understand how anyone could revel in someone else's misery, esp when that person is a professed Christian. I am not talking about a weak moment when our flesh wins and then we realize or we are battling it. I am talking about consistent, every day enjoying the fact that a fellow Christian is suffering a life altering heartache and doing your best to make it worse.
I wonder why this is what comes back to me this year. I try not to think much about Baltimore except to remember the ppl who made it special and who helped me survive the cruelty and the heartache. God knew how much I needed them. He has always taken care of me through the storms.
So, why is this year different? Why am I remembering with clarity the heart-wrenching pain of cruelty? Haven't I forgiven and moved on?
Maybe it is so I will be sensitive to the words I say to others...or maybe I remember because of recent heartache. Baltimore broke my spirit in so many ways. Lately I have been broken again. The last few years have been difficult and challenging in so many ways, yet I would not trade them for anything. God has brought me so far and changed me so much. He continues to prove Himself in my life and to change me into the woman He is calling me to be.
At least now when I remember it is only with sadness and not with the anger and hatred that once came with thinking about Baltimore. I have not had that for many years now and maybe God needed to remind me that forgiveness is possible in the face of great heartache and cruelty; that hatred can be turned to something good; and that even when things seem horrific, God never lets us down and gives us encouragement and strength along the way.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Close to Home
Not surprisingly, Sam is making me watch 5th Quarter yet again. Before the movie starts she always gets up to bring me the box of tissues b/c there is no doubt I will have tears streaming down my face in the first 15 minutes.
In this heart wrenching movie a family is shattered when their 15 year old son/brother is killed in a car wreck. As I watch this family struggle with their grief and faith I think back to the tragedies in my life; the tragedies and the miracles. There are so many ppl I know who have been in accidents or had illnesses that should have taken their lives; yet they lived in spite of the the odds. But then there are others who did not come through those same type of accidents/illnesses or simple procedures that rarely result in death. It makes no sense, but one thing that keeps me through it all is seeing God work in and through the storms; seeing families completely entrusting their cancerous 2 year old to Him--praising Him no matter what--or relying on Him for strength and peace.
This movie specifically reminds me of my first baby sitting job. The child was 3-5, I was 11-13. I remember his dad having to drive me home afterward. I hung out with him and played for the evening. His dad was my Sunday school teacher my early high school years. I sometimes stopped by to visit them on my walks around town. I grew up, went to college; my dad left that church to pastor another and we lost touch.
When I was 24, 8 months after my father died, my mom called to tell me this child who was my first babysitting job was in a car accident with his cousin (also a family i was close to). Just that quick, at 16, his life was over. This movie makes me think of him, of his family shattered by his death, the community impacted by it and more so by his life for Christ before his death. My heart breaks for families like this. Loss is never easy, but the life of a child...
Then I think of God, who not only lost his child in a most unimaginable way, but sacrificed him...for us, out of His love for us. WOW!
Then I go to the scene of the movie where Jon (one of the brothers) is on the plane after the funeral. I feel his pain and he sits and looks at his brothers face on the program. I remember sitting on the plane, flying home when my father died. I was in shock. I wrote poem after poem. And then, after being home for a couple weeks, I flew back to Baltimore empty, broken, angry. Each smiling face or disgruntled comment made me want to ask "Is that really important? In the grand scheme of things, does that really matter?" When ppl looked at me I wanted to know "Can you see how broken I am? Do you know how my mom is going to get through this? my brother? me?"
I imagine those same things going through Jon's mind as he returns to life at college. I understand his questioning, his not wanting to do anything. I also understand his turn around, realizing it is not honoring your loved one to give up; nor does it honor Christ. Life happens, our hearts break, our world falls apart, but we don't have to. God can give the strength to get through it, to persevere and grow. It would have been so easy to shut down and shut everyone out, but He was my reason for getting up and continuing.
He still is my sole reason for living. Without Him, life would be pointless. He gives me purpose, fills me when I am empty, lets me cry when I am broken, shares my joy, strengthens me, love me, loves through me, forgives me and shows me how to forgive. Each trial and joy in my life has taught me another aspect of His character. I don't always like life's situations and I almost never understand them, but I know that I am not facing them alone.
In this heart wrenching movie a family is shattered when their 15 year old son/brother is killed in a car wreck. As I watch this family struggle with their grief and faith I think back to the tragedies in my life; the tragedies and the miracles. There are so many ppl I know who have been in accidents or had illnesses that should have taken their lives; yet they lived in spite of the the odds. But then there are others who did not come through those same type of accidents/illnesses or simple procedures that rarely result in death. It makes no sense, but one thing that keeps me through it all is seeing God work in and through the storms; seeing families completely entrusting their cancerous 2 year old to Him--praising Him no matter what--or relying on Him for strength and peace.
This movie specifically reminds me of my first baby sitting job. The child was 3-5, I was 11-13. I remember his dad having to drive me home afterward. I hung out with him and played for the evening. His dad was my Sunday school teacher my early high school years. I sometimes stopped by to visit them on my walks around town. I grew up, went to college; my dad left that church to pastor another and we lost touch.
When I was 24, 8 months after my father died, my mom called to tell me this child who was my first babysitting job was in a car accident with his cousin (also a family i was close to). Just that quick, at 16, his life was over. This movie makes me think of him, of his family shattered by his death, the community impacted by it and more so by his life for Christ before his death. My heart breaks for families like this. Loss is never easy, but the life of a child...
Then I think of God, who not only lost his child in a most unimaginable way, but sacrificed him...for us, out of His love for us. WOW!
Then I go to the scene of the movie where Jon (one of the brothers) is on the plane after the funeral. I feel his pain and he sits and looks at his brothers face on the program. I remember sitting on the plane, flying home when my father died. I was in shock. I wrote poem after poem. And then, after being home for a couple weeks, I flew back to Baltimore empty, broken, angry. Each smiling face or disgruntled comment made me want to ask "Is that really important? In the grand scheme of things, does that really matter?" When ppl looked at me I wanted to know "Can you see how broken I am? Do you know how my mom is going to get through this? my brother? me?"
I imagine those same things going through Jon's mind as he returns to life at college. I understand his questioning, his not wanting to do anything. I also understand his turn around, realizing it is not honoring your loved one to give up; nor does it honor Christ. Life happens, our hearts break, our world falls apart, but we don't have to. God can give the strength to get through it, to persevere and grow. It would have been so easy to shut down and shut everyone out, but He was my reason for getting up and continuing.
He still is my sole reason for living. Without Him, life would be pointless. He gives me purpose, fills me when I am empty, lets me cry when I am broken, shares my joy, strengthens me, love me, loves through me, forgives me and shows me how to forgive. Each trial and joy in my life has taught me another aspect of His character. I don't always like life's situations and I almost never understand them, but I know that I am not facing them alone.
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