Eleven years ago the month of June looked something like this...
Thursday, June 6--dad died
Sunday, June 9--buried him
Sunday, June 16--Father's Day
Sunday, June 23--returned to Baltimore to a cruelty I did not realize could exist in a pastor who not only relished in my heartbreak and misery, but stabbed a knife in the wound, twisted and poured in salt (in front of about 15 ppl)
This year the dates line up exactly as they did 11 years ago with days of the week corresponding.
I tried not to mention it this year. It has been 11 years. It should not hurt so much.
But it does...and for some reason, this year what keeps going through my mind is what happened when I got back to MD. Usually my sub-conscience focuses on the loss itself, but this year it is that cruelty that keeps coming back. I dont understand how anyone could revel in someone else's misery, esp when that person is a professed Christian. I am not talking about a weak moment when our flesh wins and then we realize or we are battling it. I am talking about consistent, every day enjoying the fact that a fellow Christian is suffering a life altering heartache and doing your best to make it worse.
I wonder why this is what comes back to me this year. I try not to think much about Baltimore except to remember the ppl who made it special and who helped me survive the cruelty and the heartache. God knew how much I needed them. He has always taken care of me through the storms.
So, why is this year different? Why am I remembering with clarity the heart-wrenching pain of cruelty? Haven't I forgiven and moved on?
Maybe it is so I will be sensitive to the words I say to others...or maybe I remember because of recent heartache. Baltimore broke my spirit in so many ways. Lately I have been broken again. The last few years have been difficult and challenging in so many ways, yet I would not trade them for anything. God has brought me so far and changed me so much. He continues to prove Himself in my life and to change me into the woman He is calling me to be.
At least now when I remember it is only with sadness and not with the anger and hatred that once came with thinking about Baltimore. I have not had that for many years now and maybe God needed to remind me that forgiveness is possible in the face of great heartache and cruelty; that hatred can be turned to something good; and that even when things seem horrific, God never lets us down and gives us encouragement and strength along the way.
