Year End/New Year

Looking back over this year it is amazing the things that have happened...personally and with the church. It has been an amazing year! But with the amazing things that happen come the hard, heart-wrenching obstacles that never seem to cease.

We have seen so many great things this year: people coming to Grace Park who were first met 5 years ago, ppl surrendering to Christ after years of prayer and showing them Christ through love, opening 2 new classes for kids, seeing kids grow in Christ, an amazing kids camp and mission trip right here where we live, and so much more...

Personally I have been blessed to go full time at the church, buy a house in a neighborhood with great neighbors, and am about to be a foster parent of a17 year old.

However, right along with these things came the spiritual attacks, emotional battles and the real battles of finding ppl to volunteer for the classes and camps or having my heart broken or letting my emotions dictate my actions and turn me into someone I don't like. People are messy. Relationships are messy. Inner struggles and self-esteem are messy. In all that messiness, I can't help thinking I am so ready for this year to be over. I have been there for over a month now and that is not at all how I wanted to spend one of the greatest holiday seasons we have.

It has been a long year. With all the great things going on, the spiritual and emotional battles have made it the hardest year ever with the exception of the year my dad died and I was in such a rough placement on the mission field. Satan has attacked at every corner. I have been angry, hurt, have taken responsibility for things i have no control over and have beat myself up over everything b/c I lose my focus. I lose sight of Christ and listen to the lies. Unfortunately, these lies sometimes come in the form of ppl, not just thoughts. I have let them control my emotions and make me skeptical and angry with feelings of unworthiness and incompetence.

So, as many do at this time of year, I think about the new year and what it will bring. It is like I think the new year will wipe away all the hurt, anger and suffering of the last one...as if there is an easy button that you hit when the ball drops and it changes your perspective on things. But we all know that is not the case. Things do not change just because there is a new year.

Why do we decide to make a new year's resolution? Why do we start thinking about them months in advance? If we want to make a change, the time is NOW, whether it is January 1, April 8, September 30, etc. So where am I going with this?...

I can't flip a switch and make all the negativity of the past go away, but I can choose right now not to let it overcome me. I can only do this by staying in God's word, not to say Satan does not attack when I am in His word, but I am better able to withstand those attacks b/c I am prepared. God has made me a new creation. That means all the old things are gone and these attacks are fiery darts that God has given me the power to overcome. But I can't do it alone...and the problem is I try to.

The joys of the past year, the heartaches, the anger, the stress, the friends and family I have been there for and the ones i have let down...i can't change any of that, but I can learn from it. I can be the best friend, sister, daughter, cousin, aunt, etc. I can learn from the stress and I can quit letting Satan's lies get to me. I can do this by walking closely with my Lord and Savior and by realizing the only power I have is that which is given to me by Christ. It is not mine alone.

Thoughts on Easter

Easter is my absolutely favorite time of year! Yes, I love the contact we have in the community as a church, but that is not why i love Easter. This is the day of the year we celebrate the driving force behind every other day. I am blessed beyond measure and can not fathom why God chose me, why He has protected me from so much and allowed me to minister to ppl for Him. I am honored to be His Chosen, His Daughter! I only pray my life will honor and glorify Him.

Good Friday...everyone was posting comments about how every friday is good, but this one is awesome or things of that nature. I just thought, as I do every year, how amazing that a day we remember sorrow, torture, humiliation (you get the drift) is considered good. Yet it is the underlying reason, the fact that God loved me so much, that Jesus loved us so much he took my sins, your sins and bore them in our place. Why would anyone do that for me? When i see some of the ugliness that has been in my heart...WOW! God loved me enough anyway! I can not fathom.

Friday...God sacrificed His only son, who went willingly for us, but 3 days later....JESUS ROSE! Amazing, AWESOME, unbelievable! He conquered death and hell, took my sins, my ugliness, locked it away, and came back.

I am overwhelmed with Christ's love for me, humbled and ashamed. How can i know this about someone and still live so carelessly? How can I not love others and honor them just b/c i know what God did for me? Why do I worry about petty things when ppl are dying every day, aching for Him and not knowing what they are aching for? and what am I going to do about it?

My prayer is for God to use me as He sees fit, wherever that may be, whether it is for me to be single or not, in whatever way He chooses...whatever the cost. I am a little afraid, but I know God is with me and in me. He has never failed me as I have so often done Him and He will not let me go.

a shot for me

So, I am sitting at Micky Roo's hanging with my friend Leah and some friends of hers from work, listening to her husband Wes and another friend Matt play with their blues band and the waitress walks up with a shot glass and tells me the guy in the back bought me a drink...

Now that you are laughing and imagining my shock....

I look back and see a raised hand...just a hand, then I notice the girl next to the hand and laugh. My friend Chris and his girlfriend are sitting in the back. I go to talk with them. He is laughing so hard...tells me not to worry, it is just Dr. Pepper...and so we catch up.

For the record...that has to be the best joke ever played on me, esp since he knows me well enough to gauge the reaction. It was funny, and Leah was thoroughly amused at my shock.

Dreams come True

Have you ever worked and waited for something so long you thought the dream would never be realized? Here I sit, having just finished my last real day at PCCA (i am going to work as needed), amazed this day is actually here. After 4 and a half years of working 2-4 jobs at a time I am finally able to focus on what God called me here to do...Grace Park Kidz.

It is actually surreal!

Of course there is the fear and doubt Satan throws in that I will fall short and not be able to do it well, but I know God equips those He calls and He called me here. After all the trials, the struggles, the wondering if I was going to make it even with 3 jobs, it is all coming together.

I am sitting in my house getting ready to plan my first full time week at Grace Park that is not a vacation from another job and am overwhelmed at how God continues to bless me. There were times i wasn't sure this day would ever come, and who knows it may not last. However I will enjoy each moment there is and trust that whatever happens with it, God loves me and knows what I need more than I ever will.

I said this would be the year for change. The changes are beginning. Now i guess it's time to start working toward another dream :~)

pics of the new place

So, I am in my new home and just had my first dinner party. I come home at night, and even though it now takes me 10 minutes to get to all the important places (i.e.--toddss, llanes', martin's, church, etc) instead of 3, I am loving it. Chris at the boys and girls club asked me how I am enjoying my new house and I told him it is great and I love every minute of it. (Although I still need to get me office area organized and fix a couple of problems)

The pick of the washing machine drain with bubbles is one of the problems, not to mention the rip in the linoleum from the ppl who brought in the refrigerator. :~(

The bar looks very nice as an island. I love it!

A Year for Change

I said to someone before the year ended that this would be the year for change...they may not all be good, but they will be big. So far it is starting off so. In two weeks (the date has been changed) I will be moving into my very own house--and all the stresses of home ownership. I am so excited!

In addition to buying a house, I am blessed to be able to leave my part time job (well, work as needed actually) and work full time for Grace Park. I have always had the desire to be in full time ministry and now will have that chance...at least for a season. I will cherish it while I can.

This past Friday I had many ppl comment on my "glow." What made that day stand out more than others? Well, I saw so many ppl that day. Before 3:00 I had the opportunity to spend time with 7 different children and 5 different adults and still had time to look for refrigerators and sleep in.

I am also involved in a mentoring group of amazing young men and women. We meet every Friday at the boy and girls club in Columbia. This is one of the highlights of my week.
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On a completely different note...Saturday I locked my keys in my car. I was at some friends' house and realized fairly quickly that my keys were not in my pocket or on the counter where i usually left them. We walked out and there they were in the ignition, all doors locked.

Luckily i have a spare set, so Isaac took me to my house only to find my roommate had just left (she was there 10 minutes earlier when I left) and all the doors were locked. I walked to the office where the office manager's car was outside only to find the door locked and no one around. I went back and tried to get the screen out of the window...that would require tools, so I asked Isaac for a credit card. All I have to say is "Thank you Costco!" With his costco card, I was able to break into my house in less than 5 minutes (a little disconcerting). I am just thankful Hannah didn't lock the deadbolt.

progress!