Wrestling

The last few weeks in my house have been crazy (not like that's anything new!)  We had a 14 year old move in with us last weekend.  Before she came, there was a 12 year old staying here for a couple of weeks, just until Sam moved in.  Since then we had a 13 year old stay for a day. Lots of ppl in and out--kids, case workers, counselors, etc.

So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her.  I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother.  I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn.  Really, much sadness has been in my home.

During this we decided to watch Courageous.  Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)

I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?"  Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them?  How would my girls respond to this?

What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ??  How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me?  If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before.  They did not go well.

In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.

I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it.  God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly.  I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ.  I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.