the test continues

Sometimes I hate being right, especially when being right means complete upheaval and difficulty. Several months ago I predicted my life would flip upside down and I am not being disappointed, but through it all my renewed confidence stands strong.  It is an interesting feeling to be completely emotionally exhausted and heartbroken while having a peace and strength through it all.  This year is becoming a year of some of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.

One of those decisions includes saying goodbye to one of the girls in my home.  It has been over a year.  We have come through many things, but we are at a point where someone else may be able to continue the job God called me to begin.  It is time for someone else to step in for the next phase and take her to another level. I have asked to continue being a part of her life if possible.  I love her and want to see her grow.  Yet i know her time in my house is coming to an end.  I know this as clearly as I knew i was supposed to take her and the others who have lived in my house. (the girls do not yet know)

My other child is in the hospital again.  Unfortunately another prediction come true. I said when she came home last time if something did not change she would be back in 3 weeks and that is exactly what happened.  The first thing she asked her case worker was if I was kicking her out.  I can't imagine having to live with that being a constant fear (yet isnt that what i am doing to my other child?)  With her I feel this is the time to stand beside her and show her she is worth something.  She has been rejected from so many different ppl for so many various reasons. No one has ever stood by her.  There is not one person in her life who has been there for longer than a couple years.  At 15 I had many ppl in my life who had been there since birth.  I cant imagine what she must be feeling or how difficult life must be for her.

And still, the test goes on.  This is still not the end.  There is more to come in the next couple of months.  I am just not sure what it looks like yet.

Faith Testing Feelings

Several months ago i got a feeling something big was about to happen, something faith testing.  I could not determine if this thing would be good or bad, just faith testing.  Well I am beginning to believe Iam in the middle of it.  The past month and a half have been more than a little crazy, esp where the children are concerned.  I think something fairly big happened about every other day until last Sunday when one of my children ended up having to leave the house for a while to get help more than I can give.  She will be back tomorrow.  We have spoken every night and i was able to visit her today.  Maybe there will be some good in all this.  I think i am already seeing some good come from it. 

I believe this is part of my "faith testing."  Things have definitely been difficult the last several weeks and I have been at my wits end. Yet through it all, I am gaining a stronger confidence than I have ever had and I know I am doing  what I was called to do with these girls.  I dont know how long we will all be together, but for now we will just work through the difficulties that are being thrown at us from so many sides.

This is only part of what is going on.  I feel like my life is completely flipping upside down in so many ways.  Maybe b/c that is what happened 10 years ago when my father died; or maybe b/c i am seeing things in a different light.  I am realizing relationships are never what they seem; some are stronger, yet some are just a farce, while others are there, but with no time to really cultivate them. Maybe my feelings about relationships are involved in the faith testing. I dont know, I am rambling...

But I do know this: The test of faith is just beginning.  These girls and their struggles are only part of it.  There is more to come.  Again, not necessarily bad, but the testing of faith is difficult, even when it is a good thing. I guess that is why it is called a test.