Got behind a funeral procession today while in a car full of ppl some of which don't know me at all.  So when i am quiet the rest of the trip and then someone starts being ultra hateful specifically to and about me and i am unsuccessfully fighting back tears...well lets just say it was quite awkward for everyone...and they all thought my issue was the hatefulness.  That did not help of course, but was not my biggest issue.

Plain and simple, I miss my father.  Seeing that funeral and hearing the smart, negative comments in the car about the procession just hit me hard.  They have no clue what it is like to bury your father (with whom you have a special unique bond)  the sunday before Fathers day.  So then every year the anniversary is coupled with the special day for fathers.  No i do not begrudge anyone sharing and enjoying this day or talking about it in my presence.  However, every year it hits at least twice during this month HARD...and never at a convenient time when i am alone.  It always hits when i am in the worst of places to be upset.

And of course this had to be coupled with being spoken to and about so cruelly, which also brings back bad memories.......and then to be having such a rough time, never having time to yourself, yet always being lonely, having amazing friends and family you never get to spend time with, you also get hit with more bad news from home and accusations and animosity from the ppl who should be most supporting you...it seems like it will never end.

 I think all this has made me forget how to sing!  Singing is how i know my inner joy is still there and i barely sing with the radio anymore, much less just singing for the sake of singing.  I cant remember when i last did that...it has been way too long...closer to a year than not.  My brother used to get so mad at me for singing all the time (prob b/c i was way loud and off key). Now i would give anything for him to be mad at me for that.  It would mean i found myself again...maybe someday soon....