As the holiday season busyness sets in and the year begins to wind down I look at what has happened throughout this year. I started the year off with one girl who had been with me since March of last year and another who moved in the end of Jan this year. We went through many ups and downs and now, mid Nov, I am sitting in my home alone. The girl who lived with me a year and a half almost is with another family in neighboring city and the one who moved in in Jan went through a series of acute hospitalizations beginning in May until she ended up in a residential facility in Chattanooga, where she has been since Aug.
I never would have seen any of this coming and I can't really predict what will happen next. I do know I have refused to take in any more kids full time while she is away b/c i want her to have a home to come back to and I want us to be able to work through any problems or issues when she comes home without me being distracted by caring for more than one child. She gets to come home for Thanksgiving (which is 1 year from when we met); and we are both excited about that. After that regular visitations should begin which should lead to her returning home in the next few months.
Going into foster care has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding experiences in my life. I never would have dreamed the situations we have been through in a million years, but I would not trade what I have learned about myself, others and more importantly God through these experiences. He is giving me a strength and confidence through it that have helped me in other areas of life as well as a compassion and love that comes only from him.
Other changes throughout the year had to do with life and jobs. Going back to part time at GP at the beginning of the year, I made an active decision not to take on another consistent job. I worked in places that would allow me flexibility for the girls and the summer off, which had I not done, i would have lost the job anyway when life with the girls got so crazy. I would not have been able to keep a non flexible job, so it was def for the best.
As we close out the year, our church is moving. We will begin the new year in a different location which means we are ending the year in craziness trying to make that happen as smoothly as possible. There are so many little things to consider and do, so many ways to try and simplify, but in the end it will all be worth it. We will be in our new location, at our new time and all our hard work to make it happen will pay off. There is a peace about the move and we are excited to see how God is going to use this move for His glory.
These are only the major events and changes. There have been so many and so many ups and downs to accompany them. I try to sort them all, learn from them, grow from them, but sometimes I just let them overwhelm me. Thankfully God is in charge and has control of the situation. I just have to remember that and quit trying to be in charge.
Holidays are approaching and I have been trying to figure out how to do everything and see everyone. It just isn't possible, esp with added life events that are not usually factors, so I have to trust that just b/c I don't get to see everyone when I want or for how long I want they know I love them and care about them, but sometimes life does not work the way we want it to. [I have yet to figure out how to be in 3 places at once (and believe me, I have tried). I am pretty sure that is b/c 3 of me would be a disaster--one is enough of a handful. :~}]
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
the test continues
Sometimes I hate being right, especially when being right means complete upheaval and difficulty. Several months ago I predicted my life would flip upside down and I am not being disappointed, but through it all my renewed confidence stands strong. It is an interesting feeling to be completely emotionally exhausted and heartbroken while having a peace and strength through it all. This year is becoming a year of some of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.
One of those decisions includes saying goodbye to one of the girls in my home. It has been over a year. We have come through many things, but we are at a point where someone else may be able to continue the job God called me to begin. It is time for someone else to step in for the next phase and take her to another level. I have asked to continue being a part of her life if possible. I love her and want to see her grow. Yet i know her time in my house is coming to an end. I know this as clearly as I knew i was supposed to take her and the others who have lived in my house. (the girls do not yet know)
My other child is in the hospital again. Unfortunately another prediction come true. I said when she came home last time if something did not change she would be back in 3 weeks and that is exactly what happened. The first thing she asked her case worker was if I was kicking her out. I can't imagine having to live with that being a constant fear (yet isnt that what i am doing to my other child?) With her I feel this is the time to stand beside her and show her she is worth something. She has been rejected from so many different ppl for so many various reasons. No one has ever stood by her. There is not one person in her life who has been there for longer than a couple years. At 15 I had many ppl in my life who had been there since birth. I cant imagine what she must be feeling or how difficult life must be for her.
And still, the test goes on. This is still not the end. There is more to come in the next couple of months. I am just not sure what it looks like yet.
One of those decisions includes saying goodbye to one of the girls in my home. It has been over a year. We have come through many things, but we are at a point where someone else may be able to continue the job God called me to begin. It is time for someone else to step in for the next phase and take her to another level. I have asked to continue being a part of her life if possible. I love her and want to see her grow. Yet i know her time in my house is coming to an end. I know this as clearly as I knew i was supposed to take her and the others who have lived in my house. (the girls do not yet know)
My other child is in the hospital again. Unfortunately another prediction come true. I said when she came home last time if something did not change she would be back in 3 weeks and that is exactly what happened. The first thing she asked her case worker was if I was kicking her out. I can't imagine having to live with that being a constant fear (yet isnt that what i am doing to my other child?) With her I feel this is the time to stand beside her and show her she is worth something. She has been rejected from so many different ppl for so many various reasons. No one has ever stood by her. There is not one person in her life who has been there for longer than a couple years. At 15 I had many ppl in my life who had been there since birth. I cant imagine what she must be feeling or how difficult life must be for her.
And still, the test goes on. This is still not the end. There is more to come in the next couple of months. I am just not sure what it looks like yet.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Faith Testing Feelings
Several months ago i got a feeling something big was about to happen, something faith testing. I could not determine if this thing would be good or bad, just faith testing. Well I am beginning to believe Iam in the middle of it. The past month and a half have been more than a little crazy, esp where the children are concerned. I think something fairly big happened about every other day until last Sunday when one of my children ended up having to leave the house for a while to get help more than I can give. She will be back tomorrow. We have spoken every night and i was able to visit her today. Maybe there will be some good in all this. I think i am already seeing some good come from it.
I believe this is part of my "faith testing." Things have definitely been difficult the last several weeks and I have been at my wits end. Yet through it all, I am gaining a stronger confidence than I have ever had and I know I am doing what I was called to do with these girls. I dont know how long we will all be together, but for now we will just work through the difficulties that are being thrown at us from so many sides.
This is only part of what is going on. I feel like my life is completely flipping upside down in so many ways. Maybe b/c that is what happened 10 years ago when my father died; or maybe b/c i am seeing things in a different light. I am realizing relationships are never what they seem; some are stronger, yet some are just a farce, while others are there, but with no time to really cultivate them. Maybe my feelings about relationships are involved in the faith testing. I dont know, I am rambling...
But I do know this: The test of faith is just beginning. These girls and their struggles are only part of it. There is more to come. Again, not necessarily bad, but the testing of faith is difficult, even when it is a good thing. I guess that is why it is called a test.
I believe this is part of my "faith testing." Things have definitely been difficult the last several weeks and I have been at my wits end. Yet through it all, I am gaining a stronger confidence than I have ever had and I know I am doing what I was called to do with these girls. I dont know how long we will all be together, but for now we will just work through the difficulties that are being thrown at us from so many sides.
This is only part of what is going on. I feel like my life is completely flipping upside down in so many ways. Maybe b/c that is what happened 10 years ago when my father died; or maybe b/c i am seeing things in a different light. I am realizing relationships are never what they seem; some are stronger, yet some are just a farce, while others are there, but with no time to really cultivate them. Maybe my feelings about relationships are involved in the faith testing. I dont know, I am rambling...
But I do know this: The test of faith is just beginning. These girls and their struggles are only part of it. There is more to come. Again, not necessarily bad, but the testing of faith is difficult, even when it is a good thing. I guess that is why it is called a test.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Up in the Air
Ever feel like your entire life is up in the air? It seems that is the story of my life right now. I know some big, faith testing things are around the corner, but i have no clue what capacity they will present themselves. (I also believe there are big changes coming for GP that will not necessarily be easy, but will be for the best and will help the church grow in many ways) The good thing about it is, for the most part, I am okay just to wait...to see what the future holds...
Thinking of my life being up in the air brings me to my girls. Really, I have nothing to complain or worry about. I have family and friends who will take care of me even if worst come to worse, but these girls...well they dont have that. Both are in positions i can't even fathom.
One has been adopted and given back more than once; (not for anything she has done, but b/c she did not fit a certain mold) and in all honesty, the system has completely done her a disservice resulting in her losing contact with her biological siblings. The feelings of rejection she faces are completely understandable. I would not want to go through the process again either.
The other is about to find out her parents rights are going to be terminated (she was supposed to find out monday, but circmstances put it off). She will lose all contact with her parents, crushing the hope she has of going home. Though I know this is the right thing for her, she will not understand, and i do not relish seeing her heart broken.
While I can know and understand that even though I feel my life is in the air, really it is completely taken care of by God, my girls do not have that faith and understanding. They do not have the peace that comes with knowing that even though nothing else seems to be going right, you are sitting in the comforting arms of Christ and are not facing it alone. One only accepted Christ a month ago and the other has no clue. It is hard enough for me, who has been a Christ follower most of my life, to let go, but a child who trusts no one (for good reason) and has been abandoned and let down every time she turned around...
My prayer is to know how to show them, support them and love them through all this. I want to walk along side them for this season of life, being a godly example and a loving parental figure. I want them to know and feel God's unending love and to see their worth through His eyes--to realize that even though life may be up in the air, they are not alone and there is something amazing waiting for them.
Thinking of my life being up in the air brings me to my girls. Really, I have nothing to complain or worry about. I have family and friends who will take care of me even if worst come to worse, but these girls...well they dont have that. Both are in positions i can't even fathom.
One has been adopted and given back more than once; (not for anything she has done, but b/c she did not fit a certain mold) and in all honesty, the system has completely done her a disservice resulting in her losing contact with her biological siblings. The feelings of rejection she faces are completely understandable. I would not want to go through the process again either.
The other is about to find out her parents rights are going to be terminated (she was supposed to find out monday, but circmstances put it off). She will lose all contact with her parents, crushing the hope she has of going home. Though I know this is the right thing for her, she will not understand, and i do not relish seeing her heart broken.
While I can know and understand that even though I feel my life is in the air, really it is completely taken care of by God, my girls do not have that faith and understanding. They do not have the peace that comes with knowing that even though nothing else seems to be going right, you are sitting in the comforting arms of Christ and are not facing it alone. One only accepted Christ a month ago and the other has no clue. It is hard enough for me, who has been a Christ follower most of my life, to let go, but a child who trusts no one (for good reason) and has been abandoned and let down every time she turned around...
My prayer is to know how to show them, support them and love them through all this. I want to walk along side them for this season of life, being a godly example and a loving parental figure. I want them to know and feel God's unending love and to see their worth through His eyes--to realize that even though life may be up in the air, they are not alone and there is something amazing waiting for them.
Monday, February 20, 2012
God is AWESOME
God never ceases to amaze me! I go back and forth (as I am sure most parents do) about whether or not I am doing the right thing by "my" kids, but i know God put them here for a reason. (we'll get back to this in a moment)
So today we had baptism. One of the ladies who was baptized has been in and out of our (the church) lives for the past few years. Her story and that of her husband who attends with her and their children is an amazing one of God's awesomeness. One of the great things about baptism is that allows for a completely evangelistic service.
One of my friends, who redidicated his life this past summer, decided to be baptized after witnessing the other celebrations and listening to the sermon. I was able to come in for that portion of the service and sit with my great friend as she watched her husband show the church his recommitment to our Lord and Savior. Then, of course, i had to leave to be ready for service to end.
As the service let out one of my friends comes to tell me my oldest is talking with the pastor in the back. About 5 minutes later, she and one of her friends come up to me to tell me she got saved! She turned her life over to Christ! How AWESOME is that!?!
I of course did what all parents do, hugged her tightly and promptly went to tell my friends and burst into tears. This is the reason God put them here...so they will know His great love and will see first hand that love in others. I am just thankful He is allowing me t be a part of it.
Now, I havent asked all the questions yet b/c a friend came home with her and we have all just been hanging out. I know she understands the decision she made b/c she was talking with Jason and he is very good about explaining and very intentional about being sure the person he is speaking with fully comprehends what is taking place. Not to say we wont have that conversation, b/c we will, but my heart is at peace b/c she has been talking with ppl I know and trust when it comes to spiritual issues like this.
All this to say God is moving (as always) and is allowing me to see that movement. He is encouraging me and using me though I make so thorough a mess. He is using Grace Park to change the lives of the girls who have been in and out of my home. And he is using those girls to change me.
So today we had baptism. One of the ladies who was baptized has been in and out of our (the church) lives for the past few years. Her story and that of her husband who attends with her and their children is an amazing one of God's awesomeness. One of the great things about baptism is that allows for a completely evangelistic service.
One of my friends, who redidicated his life this past summer, decided to be baptized after witnessing the other celebrations and listening to the sermon. I was able to come in for that portion of the service and sit with my great friend as she watched her husband show the church his recommitment to our Lord and Savior. Then, of course, i had to leave to be ready for service to end.
As the service let out one of my friends comes to tell me my oldest is talking with the pastor in the back. About 5 minutes later, she and one of her friends come up to me to tell me she got saved! She turned her life over to Christ! How AWESOME is that!?!
I of course did what all parents do, hugged her tightly and promptly went to tell my friends and burst into tears. This is the reason God put them here...so they will know His great love and will see first hand that love in others. I am just thankful He is allowing me t be a part of it.
Now, I havent asked all the questions yet b/c a friend came home with her and we have all just been hanging out. I know she understands the decision she made b/c she was talking with Jason and he is very good about explaining and very intentional about being sure the person he is speaking with fully comprehends what is taking place. Not to say we wont have that conversation, b/c we will, but my heart is at peace b/c she has been talking with ppl I know and trust when it comes to spiritual issues like this.
All this to say God is moving (as always) and is allowing me to see that movement. He is encouraging me and using me though I make so thorough a mess. He is using Grace Park to change the lives of the girls who have been in and out of my home. And he is using those girls to change me.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Wrestling
The last few weeks in my house have been crazy (not like that's anything new!) We had a 14 year old move in with us last weekend. Before she came, there was a 12 year old staying here for a couple of weeks, just until Sam moved in. Since then we had a 13 year old stay for a day. Lots of ppl in and out--kids, case workers, counselors, etc.
So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her. I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother. I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn. Really, much sadness has been in my home.
During this we decided to watch Courageous. Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)
I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?" Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them? How would my girls respond to this?
What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ?? How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me? If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before. They did not go well.
In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.
I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it. God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly. I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ. I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.
So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her. I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother. I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn. Really, much sadness has been in my home.
During this we decided to watch Courageous. Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)
I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?" Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them? How would my girls respond to this?
What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ?? How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me? If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before. They did not go well.
In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.
I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it. God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly. I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ. I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.
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