Pretty sure being an emotional basket case is not a good thing for raising a 10 year old and a 17 year old. Of course they both definitely need to learn to allow their emotions to show and not be afraid of them, but mine are ridiculous. I blame my grandmother...and believe it or not, I am actually one of the least emotional of all my family. Scary thought! Oh well, they will get over it...they have no choice, they are stuck with me.
In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position. I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself. It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around. Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it. Okay...dealing (sort of)
As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have. Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears. I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support. Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
REALLY!?!
So, I am pretty sure my 17 year old just said she couldn't believe someone good looking would be attracted to me. Not what she meant, but definitely the way it came out. She saw a picture of a guy who liked me once upon a time (or at least claimed to) and her response, "Wow, he's really cute. I wasn't expecting that!"...THANKS JESS!
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really? Did you have to sound so surprised? Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well. The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.
The kicker of the week is this though: After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned. Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school. REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.
Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant. So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation). REALLY!?! Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?
Verdict: letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...
Is this what I signed up for? REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Blind Side
So, while watching "The Blind Side" tonight with my 17 year old who has been living with me less than a week, I comment how hard it would be to just randomly stop on the road and let a stranger in your house. Jessica (my 17 year old) just looked at me as if i were crazy and scoffs. This girl (who spent several hours not talking to me tonight b/c i made her mad or offended her) says, "What do you think you are doing with me and Serina?" (Serina is my 10 year old who has been living here almost 4 weeks. My comment is..."that is a little different"...and to a degree it is. I have no family living in the house to be concerned about. I got a little information and time to make my decisions (sort of)...anyway...
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.
The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?
i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.
i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.
God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.
All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)