We've heard it said "time heals all wounds." Just so you know, that is such a lie. Time heals absolutely nothing. It just gives you more time to think about the hurt. GOD, however, heals more than just wounds. He heals the aches, pains, wounds and scars. He helps us face the worst and come through it stronger and closer to him.
In the face of tragedy i can not even begin to speak of, my uncle asked me yesterday if "it" get's better. I told him no. I know you guys are thinking that was wrong, but I hate that when my father died everyone told me it would get better with time. That is a stinkin' lie! It doesn't get better; the pain never goes away; and some days the anger even comes back.
...And don't go thinking i haven't dealt with this...I have...I know my father is sitting at Jesus' feet and that he is where he has always wanted to be. I would not really wish him back from that, especially since that is ultimately where I want to be. However, I am still human.
I miss my dad! It breaks my heart to know that if i ever actually do get married he won't be there to walk me down the isle. I hate that he never got to see my nephews or see where my life has taken me. His death rocked my entire family so completely on all sides I don't think anyone has truly recovered. I know we haven't as a family.
All this being said...i have been told that b/c I still get so upset in June and Dec. (anniversary, father's day/birthday, Christmas) and at other random times that i have not dealt with it. Trust me, I know God has used me with ppl i never would have met b/c my father died. I also know, I probably would never have ended up where I am today had he lived...doesn't mean i don't miss him. But God has worked in and through me during all this...and continues to do so. I have been able to connect with ppl I would not have been able to understand. I feel more deeply and I care about petty things less (sometimes to the dismay of others)
So, time has done nothing for me, but God has! Every day He reminds me why I am here (though sometimes I listen better than others.) Time offers what you make of it. I could easily become angry and bitter, or depressed and despondant, but since I hate being miserable that isn't really an answer. Besides, if i am to truly honor my father, i will live my life according to God's standards, let go of the bad times and remember him for who he was to me, who he was in Christ.
In our current family devastation, I believe ppl make choices without realizing their magnitude. But all choices have consequences that reach much farther than we could ever imagine. I don't think God wants us to make poor choices, but neither does He force our hand. I do know he understands the pain, hurt and anger and wants to take it from us and hold us through the rough patches.
However, we should not remember ppl for the bad choices, but for the ways they helped us grow and change. We can learn and grow from each other and God can bring us through the choices we make, good or bad. I am thankful he does not hold my poor choices against me.
I also know this...God can take whatever we have to say. I recently expressed my anger to a friend and my struggle with not wanting to be angry. She told me God doesn't care if i'm angry, it is how I deal with the anger that makes a difference (how many time have i said that myself?) So if I am happy, sad, frustrated, devastated, broken hearted, or furious all I have to do is give it to God and allow HIM to work in and through me. He will handle it all if I let him.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Visitors
So my aunt and uncle came to visit me last week. They originally had planned to go to KY and come back through here, but those plans changed so they went to the mountains in north GA and then came over here...not exactly on the way (I am so loved). It was great to spend time with them. We really did absolutely nothing but hang out. I took them to downtown Franklin, put them to work setting up for church Sunday and showing them where we meet, but other than that we just enjoyed seeing each other. Of course I took no pictures so I have no proof, but it was a great treat for me to be able to see some family, even just for a short time!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Long Overdue
This summer has been absolutely amazing...a mission trip to TX, an incredible kids camp, constant growth, great friends, and unbelievable community.
Several of us were blessed to be able to hang drywall in a house hit by Hurricane Ike last year. It was HOT and hard work, but we managed to finish a day early due to great team work and ppl who just would not give up.
I don't even know where to start on the kids camp. We spent a week taking 60+ kids out into the community each day to serve. They went to nursing homes, weeded houses and city property, picked up trash, decorated and delivered cookies to police officers, school employees and fire fighters, collected food for the food pantry and stocked shelves, and more. After many hours of sleepless nights, little food, buckets of tears and much sweat and brain power, the week was a great success. God opened doors, hearts and minds. He redefined perceptions and is still working through that camp, though it has been over for weeks.
My personal growth through the summer continues to be tremendous. I can not begin to tell you the things I am learning and having to lay down, not to mention leave behind. This is always a continual process, as God is patient enough to gently remind me when I start to get in the way of His work in and through me.
Growth in others also continues to be a blessing and encouragement. We have seen someone who wasn't sure if he even believed in God a couple years ago send an email out requesting prayer for a family member, families we have been in contact with for years are beginning to come to Grace Park and explore questions about faith and Christ, who continues to draw many to himself. Community groups are turning out in full to move a member or provide for someone in need. The people who make up the church are being Christ to one another, just as we are called to do.
I think this is more than enough for now, but I could go on for days. This is just the beginning.
Several of us were blessed to be able to hang drywall in a house hit by Hurricane Ike last year. It was HOT and hard work, but we managed to finish a day early due to great team work and ppl who just would not give up.
I don't even know where to start on the kids camp. We spent a week taking 60+ kids out into the community each day to serve. They went to nursing homes, weeded houses and city property, picked up trash, decorated and delivered cookies to police officers, school employees and fire fighters, collected food for the food pantry and stocked shelves, and more. After many hours of sleepless nights, little food, buckets of tears and much sweat and brain power, the week was a great success. God opened doors, hearts and minds. He redefined perceptions and is still working through that camp, though it has been over for weeks.
My personal growth through the summer continues to be tremendous. I can not begin to tell you the things I am learning and having to lay down, not to mention leave behind. This is always a continual process, as God is patient enough to gently remind me when I start to get in the way of His work in and through me.
Growth in others also continues to be a blessing and encouragement. We have seen someone who wasn't sure if he even believed in God a couple years ago send an email out requesting prayer for a family member, families we have been in contact with for years are beginning to come to Grace Park and explore questions about faith and Christ, who continues to draw many to himself. Community groups are turning out in full to move a member or provide for someone in need. The people who make up the church are being Christ to one another, just as we are called to do.
I think this is more than enough for now, but I could go on for days. This is just the beginning.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Hitching Widows
NO, this is not about setting anyone up.
So the first big events started when my neighbor came over to tell me the black widow we found at her house the other day was outside again last night...and another neighbor of ours (who did not believe us when we told him how big it was) saw it and sprayed it down with hair spray (I just want to know why they didn't torch it). We found it last week and I burned the web, sprayed into her hole with a cleaning solution containing bleach and just wrecked her home...
Well coming to tell me, she did some searching around my place and found one in my bricks, so i got out the bleach spray, some long matches and went to work. I managed to destroy the egg sack and infuriate the spider. I finally ended up filling her hole with sand (she'll prob be back tomorrow, and very angry). I actually ended up destroying three different nest, provoking 3 or 4 different black widows and killing one...and do i feel guilty about this?...only slightly. I am usually the person who tries to teach the kids not to be afraid of bugs, but spiders that can kill my neighbors two children do not make it to "live and let live" list.
Here are some picks she took of one of the spiders (before I smashed it with a pole while it was hiding in its hole)
The next event of the day happened after enjoying a relaxing night with some friends at a bonfire. I am driving down the road @ 11:30 or quarter til 12 and see these two kids walking, no hitch-hiking down the street (6th and 7th grade). I drove past, but immediately turned around after praying and feeling God tell me to stop. I go back and ask where they are going and someone comes up behind me and someone is coming toward me at the same time, so I had to go past a little for the car behind to get around and to turn around. I see the car coming toward me stop to talk with the boys and can tell they say I am going to give them a ride.
I took them to one of the boys houses all the while trying to pump for information. I don't think they were lying to me about where they were coming from or going, but do not believe they were entirely forthcoming either. They told one boys sister to tell his parents they were going for a walk and just decided to go all they way to the other guy's house.
The road they were going to have to walk on was not a short distance that time of night, nor safe to walk on ever. The hills and curves alone would have been enough to cause an accident, but add the darkness and craziness of nighttime drivers....
My social worker/behavior specialist concerns are this...why were they out?
~Did the parents know, why would they let them walk that time of night
~If the parents at the house I dropped them off at were drunk as they say, should I have taken them there
~Where were their shoes (it wasn't a short walk in a subdivision)
~was the other car that stopped just a nice passerby like myself or not
All being said, I have no doubt I did the right thing. They were going to that house regardless; better go by me than get hit by an unsuspecting car flying around a curve in the middle of the night...and yes, i gave them the riot act for being out late and for hitch-hiking.
My prayers go out on their behalf...and for their families...something was off, but that is just a feeling i have, not because of anything said (oh, and the fact they were out so late)
don't worry, i don't usually pick up hitch hikers...I was definitely prompted
So the first big events started when my neighbor came over to tell me the black widow we found at her house the other day was outside again last night...and another neighbor of ours (who did not believe us when we told him how big it was) saw it and sprayed it down with hair spray (I just want to know why they didn't torch it). We found it last week and I burned the web, sprayed into her hole with a cleaning solution containing bleach and just wrecked her home...
Well coming to tell me, she did some searching around my place and found one in my bricks, so i got out the bleach spray, some long matches and went to work. I managed to destroy the egg sack and infuriate the spider. I finally ended up filling her hole with sand (she'll prob be back tomorrow, and very angry). I actually ended up destroying three different nest, provoking 3 or 4 different black widows and killing one...and do i feel guilty about this?...only slightly. I am usually the person who tries to teach the kids not to be afraid of bugs, but spiders that can kill my neighbors two children do not make it to "live and let live" list.
Here are some picks she took of one of the spiders (before I smashed it with a pole while it was hiding in its hole)
The next event of the day happened after enjoying a relaxing night with some friends at a bonfire. I am driving down the road @ 11:30 or quarter til 12 and see these two kids walking, no hitch-hiking down the street (6th and 7th grade). I drove past, but immediately turned around after praying and feeling God tell me to stop. I go back and ask where they are going and someone comes up behind me and someone is coming toward me at the same time, so I had to go past a little for the car behind to get around and to turn around. I see the car coming toward me stop to talk with the boys and can tell they say I am going to give them a ride.
I took them to one of the boys houses all the while trying to pump for information. I don't think they were lying to me about where they were coming from or going, but do not believe they were entirely forthcoming either. They told one boys sister to tell his parents they were going for a walk and just decided to go all they way to the other guy's house.
The road they were going to have to walk on was not a short distance that time of night, nor safe to walk on ever. The hills and curves alone would have been enough to cause an accident, but add the darkness and craziness of nighttime drivers....
My social worker/behavior specialist concerns are this...why were they out?
~Did the parents know, why would they let them walk that time of night
~If the parents at the house I dropped them off at were drunk as they say, should I have taken them there
~Where were their shoes (it wasn't a short walk in a subdivision)
~was the other car that stopped just a nice passerby like myself or not
All being said, I have no doubt I did the right thing. They were going to that house regardless; better go by me than get hit by an unsuspecting car flying around a curve in the middle of the night...and yes, i gave them the riot act for being out late and for hitch-hiking.
My prayers go out on their behalf...and for their families...something was off, but that is just a feeling i have, not because of anything said (oh, and the fact they were out so late)
don't worry, i don't usually pick up hitch hikers...I was definitely prompted
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I went to my friend Brandi's house late tonight to watch Bride Wars thinking I am in for a fun chick movie. A little way into the movie there a scene where Kate Hudson's character has just told her brother she is getting married, then runs from the restaurant. Anne Hathaway follows to find Kate almost hyperventilating, saying she just needs a moment. Anne says "I know, I wish your parents were here too" At that moment I knew I would not make it through the movie without crying.
Later in the movie Kate's brother is getting ready to walk her down the aisle and I loose it. I told brandi it was coming, next thing i knew the flood gates had opened. Not a few tears and muffled sniffs...no, hysterics. Some days I can watch something like this movie and be fine. Obviously today was not that day.
It probably doesn't help that the wedding date in the movie is the anniversary of my father's death, which is coming up in just a month (7 years). The past few years I have just made a point to go out with friends without telling them i was battling the pain until days later if at all. This year the pain is starting early (okay, it never really leaves)
There is just something about watching a movie with a character missing her parents on her wedding day and being able to relate. The no brainers in my wedding (who would walk me down the aisle and give me away) are now some of the hardest decisions I will have to make. Somehow that does not seem fair.
Don't worry...i have dealt with it...i am at peace, but the pain never really goes away. I will always miss my father. And certain circumstances make it that much harder. Thankfully i have friends who are understanding and allow me to cry about it when the need arises. They actually fuss at me for trying to hide it and not cry.
Bottom line: I miss my father!
oh and just to answer the questions i know will come...no, I am not getting married and God has still not brought us together yet...but the thought process is still the same
Later in the movie Kate's brother is getting ready to walk her down the aisle and I loose it. I told brandi it was coming, next thing i knew the flood gates had opened. Not a few tears and muffled sniffs...no, hysterics. Some days I can watch something like this movie and be fine. Obviously today was not that day.
It probably doesn't help that the wedding date in the movie is the anniversary of my father's death, which is coming up in just a month (7 years). The past few years I have just made a point to go out with friends without telling them i was battling the pain until days later if at all. This year the pain is starting early (okay, it never really leaves)
There is just something about watching a movie with a character missing her parents on her wedding day and being able to relate. The no brainers in my wedding (who would walk me down the aisle and give me away) are now some of the hardest decisions I will have to make. Somehow that does not seem fair.
Don't worry...i have dealt with it...i am at peace, but the pain never really goes away. I will always miss my father. And certain circumstances make it that much harder. Thankfully i have friends who are understanding and allow me to cry about it when the need arises. They actually fuss at me for trying to hide it and not cry.
Bottom line: I miss my father!
oh and just to answer the questions i know will come...no, I am not getting married and God has still not brought us together yet...but the thought process is still the same
Monday, April 27, 2009
footprints
As I think about my title and description, I can't help but wonder....who has left the lasting footprints on your life and what would you say to them today? Have they made you a better person or a bitter one?
.
...to be continued...
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...to be continued...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Different
It has been a little over a month now, but a few of my friends and I went to "Paint and Pour" up in Brentwood for a ladies night. We all painted the same picture, but they are all so different. It is interesting how we can do the exact same things, but because of our distinctly unique personalities the overall effect of each one is different. My picture is shown at the top.
Now I have to tell you that she would intermittently pick up our pictures and show them to everyone to show our progress. When she picked up my friend's next to me she said it was dainty, which Lacie then shared how that was how her husband picked her engagement ring. He said it was dainty like her....
So, she picks up my painting (and just to let you know, the flowers are designed the way she had them in her painting, and before I started texturing my tree) and what word did she use? Different...
Now is that a polite way of saying weird or ugly, or just a compliment in and of itself? I don't know, but I do know it is a common word used to describe me, from ppl who know me well and from those who have just met me. I hope that is not their way of saying something is wrong with me and they just tolerate me...
No, I am kidding. I take it as a compliment. I am different, unique if you will--always have been. Sometimes I wonder if I am in the wrong century though...
I went out this weekend and as I am sitting at dinner with these three ppl (one friend I met here who has moved away, his best friend who I only hang out with through him, and another friend of theirs I just met--thank goodness she was there) I am realizing how out of touch I really am. They all have their high tech phones out (I had left mine in the car and it is so far behind all theirs), facebook profiles...the list goes on.
As the night goes on, we go to meet up with some others who are out bowling. Now keep in mind I am the only one who going into this night knew two ppl present. As we are hanging out bowling and speaking to another girl whom we all had just met, she asks me if I am involved in a group (which is how they--about 7 more ppl--are all friends) As I answer with a negative, one of the guys I was with is sitting across from me and we are both laughing at how obviously out of place I have been all night.
Why the long story? It is just another example of how different I am....don't worry, i took none of this in a negative light and I had a great time meeting new ppl. It was just an interesting night that reminded me that I tend to stand out in odd ways sometimes. Maybe I should join this century and start watching tv, upgrade my phone and join the facebook world, but liklihood being, I will not.
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