Up in the Air

Ever feel like your entire life is up in the air?   It seems that is the story of my life right now.  I know some big, faith testing things are around the corner, but i have no clue what capacity they will present themselves.  (I also believe there are big changes coming for GP that will not necessarily be easy, but will be for the best and will help the church grow in many ways) The good thing about it is, for the most part, I am okay just to wait...to see what the future holds...

Thinking of my life being up in the air brings me to my girls.  Really, I have nothing to complain or worry about.  I have family and friends who will take care of me even if worst come to worse, but these girls...well they dont have that.  Both are in positions i can't even fathom. 

One has been adopted and given back more than once; (not for anything she has done, but b/c she did not fit a certain mold) and in all honesty, the system has completely done her a disservice resulting in her losing contact with her biological siblings.  The feelings of rejection she faces are completely understandable.  I would not want to go through the process again either.

The other is about to find out her parents rights are going to be terminated (she was supposed to find out monday, but circmstances put it off).  She will lose all contact with her parents, crushing the hope she has of going home.  Though I know this is the right thing for her, she will not understand, and i do not relish seeing her heart broken.

While I can know and understand that even though I feel my life is in the air, really it is completely taken care of by God, my girls do not have that faith and understanding.  They do not have the peace that comes with knowing that even though nothing else seems to be going right, you are sitting in the comforting arms of Christ and are not facing it alone.  One only accepted Christ a month ago and the other has no clue.  It is hard enough for me, who has been a Christ follower most of my life, to let go, but a child who trusts no one (for good reason) and has been abandoned and let down every time she turned around...

My prayer is to know how to show them, support them and love them through all this.  I want to walk along side them for this season of life, being a godly example and a loving parental figure.  I want them to know and feel God's unending love and to see their worth through His eyes--to realize that even though life may be up in the air, they are not alone and there is something amazing waiting for them.

God is AWESOME

God never ceases to amaze me!  I go back and forth (as I am sure most parents do) about whether or not I am doing the right thing by "my" kids, but i know God put them here for a reason. (we'll get back to this in a moment)

So today we had baptism.  One of the ladies who was baptized has been in and out of our (the church) lives for the past few years.  Her story and that of her husband who attends with her and their children is an amazing one of God's awesomeness. One of the great things about baptism is that allows for a completely evangelistic service.

One of my friends, who redidicated his life this past summer, decided to be baptized after witnessing the other celebrations and listening to the sermon.  I was able to come in for that portion of the service and sit with my great friend as she watched her husband show the church his recommitment to our Lord and Savior.  Then, of course, i had to leave to be ready for service to end. 

As the service let out one of my friends comes to tell me my oldest is talking with the pastor in the back.  About 5 minutes later, she and one of her friends come up to me to tell me she got saved!  She turned her life over to Christ!  How AWESOME is that!?!

I of course did what all parents do, hugged her tightly and promptly went  to tell my friends and burst into tears.  This is the reason God put them here...so they will know His great love and will see first hand that love in others.  I am just thankful He is allowing me t be a part of it.

Now, I havent asked all the questions yet b/c a friend came home with her and we have all just been hanging out.  I know she understands the decision she made b/c she was talking with Jason and he is very good about explaining and very intentional about being sure the person he is speaking with fully comprehends what is taking place.  Not to say we wont have that conversation, b/c we will, but my heart is at peace b/c she has been talking with ppl I know and trust when it comes to spiritual issues like this.

All this to say God is moving (as always) and is allowing me to see that movement.  He is encouraging me and using me though I make so thorough a mess.  He is using Grace Park to change the lives of the girls who have been in and out of my home. And he is using those girls to change me.

Wrestling

The last few weeks in my house have been crazy (not like that's anything new!)  We had a 14 year old move in with us last weekend.  Before she came, there was a 12 year old staying here for a couple of weeks, just until Sam moved in.  Since then we had a 13 year old stay for a day. Lots of ppl in and out--kids, case workers, counselors, etc.

So in all this craziness I saw a child being told she had an adoptive family waiting for her.  I watched her get super excited about the family, then quickly turn to depression b/c she cant have that with her birth mother.  I have seen girls who are basically homeless and never know where they will spend the next night. I have kids rejected everywhere they turn.  Really, much sadness has been in my home.

During this we decided to watch Courageous.  Now, dont misunderstand what i am about to say. I get the gist of the movie. I agree men should step up and be the spiritual head of the household, but i wen in a completely different direction...As I watch this movie with 3 girls who have been dealt a bad hand, 2 of whom are living with me (a single woman) and one who is virtually homeless, I could only pray they were not hearing that they were destined to fail b/c they are growing up fatherless. Then i thought, What am i doing? Am I perpetuating the cycle by bringing them into a fatherless home? ( dont worrry, i have no doubt they are really suppose to be here, butthese are the?? the enemy throws my way, the doubts if you will)

I am sure these ?? came to me b/c i am already wrestling some things. I am listening to the nice songs we sing with our preschoolers at my 2nd job about how God gives us Mommies and God gives us Daddies and i think "how short sighted is this?"  Are there no kids in this church whose mom or dad has died or decided they didnt want them?  How would my girls respond to this?

What I want to know is how do i answer the hard ??  How do i explain to someone who is asking me if God gives us mommys and daddys, then why didnt mine keep me? or why did they do the things they did to me?  If God loves me, why do i keep getting rejected by families who are churched who say they love me?...These are serious ?s. My having faith and knowing God loves them and that is why He sent them here for a season, surrounded by Godly ppl who love him is not an acceptable answer to them. I have had those discussions before.  They did not go well.

In all honesty, i knwo most of the answers to my ?s. I just figure if i have to wrestle with it, then i should share that with the empty space in cyberworld where someone may actually read it and resonate.

I also know I am not responsible for hw they receive the Gospel, only for how i proclaim and presnet it.  God is bigger than I, so I am sure He can get through despite my ramblings and mess ups, but these are things i have to turn over to God regularly.  I want nothing more than to see these kids surrender and follow Christ.  I just pray He gives me the words when these ?? come up to help them in that journey.

Thanksgivng

Thankgiving--the time of year when we make a point to get together with family/friends and talk about our many things for which we are thankful...yes we should be thankful always, but this time of year we tend to reflect more on the blessings in life.

One of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions is to get together with my dad's side of the family at my cousin's house the saturday before or after Thanksgiving.  We eat in the garage and share things we are thankful for from prompts (favorite modern convenience, time of year, etc).  One of the things i most love is how many of our answers turn back to Christ.  This year one of my cousins had the ? "what person in history are you most thankful for?"  His answer was Christ, which is the answer for so many of us, but in this case--well, 2 years ago that would not have been his answer.  His surrender to Christ has been recent and it brings me unspeakable joy to see and hear the difference Christ is making in his life--or in anyone's life.

Another tradition i have kind of adopted is to stay here in TN and have anyone who may not have a place to go, who may not have family around, get together for dinner.  Some friends and I have adopted this tradition together.  It is amazing to see the random families God brings to this event each year.  This year we had 27 ppl gather, some whose families are out of state or not around, some who just needed a place to go.

Two days before Thanksgiving I got a call asking if I could take a girl whose Thanksgiving plans fell through.  I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like to have to spend a holiday at the mercy of ppl you have never even met.  She was very kind and helpful--a 14 yr old who threw the football with the guys, played well with all the kids and was as respectul as she could be.

I am thankful she was able to join us this year.  Her presence also reminded me how blessed i am to have such great friends and family.  I will always have a place to go home to, whether it is my brother's in NY, my mom's in GA, or a friend's here in TN.  On the multiple occasions i have spent Christmas day here, I aways had multiple offers of places to go--ppl i know and love, not random strangers whom i have never met.  Yet so often I take these friends and family for granted.  I forget what a blessing it truly is to have them.  This year, having foster children in my home, I am greatly reminded how God blessed me with the family He gave, with the friends He has made to be my extended family.

"Fix" it

Many of my friends have husbands or dads who just want to "fix" everything. (my dad was like this)  If they are sad, hurt, or frustrated the husband or father wants to offer a solution or take away the pain or problem, but many times this is not possible or actually what is needed.

 Now, we all know I am not a "normal" girl (as some of my friends so graciously pointed out to me this weekend).  I tend to have that same problem--i want to fix things for other ppl. I think we all ache when somone we love is in pain or is going through a hard time, but lately it seems most ppl around me are struggling in some way, whether it be with church, family, finances, the past, whatever.  I just wish I could take away the pain and make it better.  I have it in my head if I just say the right thing, it will make the difference.  I can take away their pain or keep them from self destructing (if that is the case).  Unfortunately, that is not so.

I think back to this summer when i was in such a miserable place.  It seemed that all aspects of life were simultaneously falling apart.  I knew (in my head) the right answers, but i couldnt quite get there.  It didnt matter what anyone said, I had to wrestle it out with myself and with God on my own.  That is where these ppl are, yet for some reason I think I can help them.

I was sitting in church on Sunday listening to the music.  It was all about focusing on Christ and keeping Him in the center and it hit me--i am so wrapped up in trying to fix all these ppl, I am not focusing on God like I should.  This summer I was so wrapped up in my kids and in other ppl i forgot to just reflect on Christ and who he is. Not only that, but nothing i can do or say is going to make a difference in the long run if they are not ready to hear it.  And if i am not focusing on Christ myself, how am I going to point others in His direction.

My biggest problem is that i found myself actig like someone I am not.  I was trying to push a conversation that was not supposed to happen, at least not yet.  Why push it?  B/c I thought i had some major insight that would make a difference.  Please, who am i?  I am giving myself waaayy to much credit.

I am not saying being a friend and listening or offering advice and challenges on occasion are not appropriate or needed.  Those things are definitely needed! But I have to know that my words or actions are not going to change someone elses spiritual or emotional state.  It can help them to know they are not alone and have somone to talk with or cry with, but apart from Christ I can do nothing for them...only with Christ working through me and in them can a difference be made. 

I was trying to make it about me--to accept responsibility for things I have no control over.  If someone wants to self-destruct or stay mad, nothing I say is going to convince them they are wrong (dont worry, i will still try, but i will hopefully listen to God's timing a little more instead of trying to force a conversation someone is not ready to have.

children today

So, I pull up to school today and begin to worry when I do  not see my child.  Upon asking a teacher where she is, I learn she is in the office b/c of a "discipline issue." At my obviously shocked and beginning to get upset face, she quickly explained that Serina was the cussee, not the cusser.  So, why is she being cussed out at school..at all?....

Lets start with yesterday when I picked her up.  There was a girl mouthing off at her when i pulled in. I could tell somethng was up and wanted to put the child in her place b/c it was apparent she was being hateful, but I am not a teacher and did not know the situation.  Well, no sooner was Serina in the car that she told me she was going to see the principal in the morning.

With a bit of investigating I learn this child who was mouthing off had been extremely hateful to her.  They have never talked before and Serina said she was not even talking with her, she was talking to somone else (not that she is always truthful, and she can be sensitive).  I told her to stay away from that girl--she is obviously not a happy child and is just wanting to start something so dont get anywhere near her; but if she did to tell a teacher immediately.  I figured that should be possible since they have never talked before.

...so, back to today...

The way it would seem, according to the counselor is this...Someone asked Serina to come over where the girl was b/c she wanted to ask her a ?.  She asked her if she was a "foster kid."  Serina answered yes and the nice, well meaning child decided to tell her what she thought of "foster kids" in terms that well bred 11 or 12 year olds should not be using, much less even know.

Now, there may have been a bit more to it than that, but still...who does that?  And I dont want to hear that junk about kids being kids or you know how mean kids are b/c honestly, most kids by nature are not that mean.  They are selfish yes, but they become mean b/c they see it or experience it; and since my thoughts about this child and her upbringing are currently not nice and somewhat judgemental, I will keep them to myself and ask for forgiveness, but it truly angers me that she would have to endure comments like that.

The Best Thing Ever

Okay, I know i am not a real parent, and I know I call all the kids I work with "my" kids, but these kids who are in and out of my house I definitely consider to be part mine.  No, I did not give birth to them, but having them live in my house and put up with my rules has to give me some right to claim them at least a little ;~}

Like all parents, I go through many ups and downs with feeling like i may be damaging my kids more than helping them.  But since i have no doubt whatsoever that God called me to do this, my frustrations are alleviated and I trust He will give me wisdom.  Even with all the challenges, i do not regret inviting these kids into my home and sharing life with them.

As I look back over the past several months, i see an 11 year old who still has a ways to go, but is definitely not the same child who entered my house in March.  It is amazing to see how consistency and having positive encouraging ppl in her life have begun to change her (thanks to my community group, church, family and neighbors).  We still have many things to work through, but isnt that just how it goes?

Then I look back at the 17 year old who recently left my home to spend her senior year with a family in her home town.  Boy did we have our ups and downs!  But even with everything we went through, there was a glimmer of hope that something she learned while here, someone she met, made a positive difference.  She talked about the ppl she met at Grace Park, how genuine they are in their faith.  She saw ppl love her unconditionally, even though that didnt look the way she expected it to.

Well, last weekend I got a call from her.  She told me the one thing every Christian parent longs to hear...last week, in her new foster home she accepted Christ!  AWESOME!  What else could a person want to hear?   Even more amazing is the fact that as that was happening, both her RC and I were talking about how we wished she would surrender to Christ and praying for her, not knowing our prayers were being answered right then.

I asked Jessica if she felt different.  She said yes.  She said she always thought when she made that decision things would immediately be easier.  She realizes that is not the case, but now when the choice comes up the answer is more clear than it has been in the past.  She is finding joy in praising God for the blessings in her life.  Oh, life will still be a challenge, but now she has the key to the answers.  It is truly amazing!

There will always be ups and downs with our kids, but the absolute BEST thing in the world is knowing they have surrendered to Christ's call.  May He guide their steps and draw them, and myself, closer to HIM each day!