Emotional basket case

Pretty sure being an emotional basket case is not a good thing for raising a 10 year old and a 17 year old.  Of course they both definitely need to learn to allow their emotions to show and not be afraid of them, but mine are ridiculous.  I blame my grandmother...and believe it or not, I am actually one of the least emotional of all my family.  Scary thought!  Oh well, they will get over it...they have no choice, they are stuck with me.

In being an emotional basket case, i am really struggling with being angry at someone who has put me and caused me to put others in a very awkward position.  I am also angry with myself for being stupid enough to fall into the situation myself.  It irritates me to no end that because of circumstances, I can not just be myself b/c if I am completly honest and opened it will cause discomfort for others around.  Yeah, yeah I know, life is never fair...just deal with it.  Okay...dealing (sort of)

As my emotions and thought churn and battle inside I am surrounded by some of the most amazing friends anyone could have.  Of course that just increases the torrential downpour of tears.  I am more grateful than can be imagined that God has blessed me with such an amazing support group, but being an independent person who needs to prove she can make it as a single mother, single woman, female in a world where males are preferred and dominate and women are stupid emotional beings, it is very diffcult for me to accept that love and support.  Thankfully my friends don't take no for an answer

REALLY!?!

So, I am pretty sure my 17 year old just said she couldn't believe someone good looking would be attracted to me.  Not what she meant, but definitely the way it came out.  She saw a picture of a guy who liked me once upon a time (or at least claimed to) and her response, "Wow, he's really cute.  I wasn't expecting that!"...THANKS JESS!

Okay, i know that isn't what she meant, but really?  Did you have to sound so surprised?  Makes me feel like i am less appealing or less attractive than even i thought i was....oh well.  The good thing is I know she did not mean it that way, but it still kind of stung a bit.

The kicker of the week is this though:  After coming from the mall and buying prom dresses, Easter dresses, flipflops and who knows what else, I hear a rustling in the backseat like something is being openned.  Turns out to be a thing of lipgloss from one of the stores we just left, but i am told it came from the treasure box at school.  REALLY!?! b/c it has the name of the store we just bought your too expensive for a child flipflops.

Remaining very calm (outwardly) i give a chance to come clean, but she is adamant.  So i tell her i will check and if she is lying she will be in even more trouble than if she tells me now...next day...after checking with teachers (b/c i said i would even though i knew the answer) i give yet another change to fess up and get the same story (with slight variation).  REALLY!?!  Are you sure that is the answer you want to stick with?

Verdict:  letter about punishment of stealing to company, essay on why stealing is wrong, essay on why lying is wrong, no radio or friend down the street for 2 days, will have to go to store and admit to stealing, pay for it (but not get it--i will find something to do with it i am sure), pay me $5 for gas (which is going to cost me more than that) and a long discussion on why all this is wrong...then a trip to Marble Slab for underserved icecream and a talk about GRACE...

Is this what I signed up for?  REALLY!?!...I guess it is, and I still have no doubt that, even with the challenges, we are all going to grow out of this..who knows, maybe i'll become a real adult for a change?

The Blind Side

So, while watching "The Blind Side" tonight with my 17 year old who has been living with me less than a week, I comment how hard it would be to just randomly stop on the road and let a stranger in your house. Jessica (my 17 year old) just looked at me as if i were crazy and scoffs. This girl (who spent several hours not talking to me tonight b/c i made her mad or offended her) says, "What do you think you are doing with me and Serina?" (Serina is my 10 year old who has been living here almost 4 weeks. My comment is..."that is a little different"...and to a degree it is. I have no family living in the house to be concerned about. I got a little information and time to make my decisions (sort of)...anyway...

This conversation gave me a new perspective watching the movie. These stories always break my heart and make me want to make a difference in someone's life. But this time, I saw myself in Leigh Anne (Sandra Bullock's character). I actually heard myself saying almost verbatim a few of the things she said to her friends and to Michael in the movie.

The entire night encouraged me, especially after watching Jessica have a difficult day and having her mad at me and knowing that is just part of it. I have not once doubted that she or Serina are supposed to be in my house, at least for now, but i have to admit I have and do wonder if I am doing the right thing or saying the right thing. Am i giving them what they need? Am I ignoring them too much for work, or letting work slip for them? I definitely want them to like me, but am I willing to risk them hating me for a time if it comes to that?

i will say, even while frustrated with me, Jessica still talked about returning to see me after she turns 18 or returns to her family. Maybe I have made at least a small difference, even in just a few days.

i am not looking for approval or pats on the back...just expressing my thoughts and concerns. God called me to do this, and this is only the beginning of a bigger purpose. I just don't know what the purpose is yet. However I do know there will be challenges and roadblocks along the way. I also know i am only here today b/c of the continual prayer support and encouragement I've received from more ppl than I can name.

God has surrounded me with an amazing team to help me though all the trials of parenting, esp the trials of parenting kids who come with pain and baggage. He makes me strong and gives me the days of encouragement to know I am doing right in b/t the days of struggle that weigh heavy on my heart and mind.

All in all, this process has started off smoother than it should have. The girls living with me are precious and wonderfully made. I just pray they will realize how special they are. Serina is sweet and Jessica is fun and bubbly. Pray for me!...pray for them...for us! It has already started off as an interesting adventure.

Confirmation

Ever had a decision to make, made the decision, but still wondered if it was right? What I love when this happens is the confirmation God sends, sometimes from the most unlikely of places or ppl. It doesn't always happen the way I want or think it should, but it does come--if I have been seeking God the entire time.

There have even been situations I have prayed through during the process, seeking an answer, but getting nothing definite. Then, as I continue to pray, I end up being broken and hurt and wondering how this could happen when I have been so diligently seeking to do the right thing. Making the right decision does not mean there will be no heart break. However, I do know this...there is a reason, even if i don't see it right now, or if I never see it. I still have to look at the good in the situation or the ppl so I don't let the hurt become bitterness or resentment.

What happens in these situations is eventually something happens to let me see some reason I had to go through the pain...or I see how I have grown in my faith through it...or both. Sometimes I do not see, but most of the time God uses my experiences to strengthen me and allow me to be there for someone else going through the same thing.

Sometime I get a definite peace about something...but peace does not = not having your heart broken. I have a peace about my father's death, have for years, but I still miss him. I still want him to see where I am now, to know my nephews, to walk me down the aisle if it ever comes to that. My heart breaks multiple times a year--when I am with my family and he isn't there, when I see the first signs of spring or have a Biblical question I want to discuss. However, I am at peace...and I would never wish him back just for my sake. I can even see some of the bigger picture sometimes.

Whatever my situation, God has yet to let me down. He even sends peace and confirmation when I need it most...when I am about to go crazy thinking I have completely ruined my life and/or others lives. More than that though, He gives me strength to get through each day and to come out a better person b/c of it. I just pray my actions, thoughts and words honor Him!

Ending Life as we know it

And tonight my life has changed for good. I had a 10 year old girl move in with me tonight. She has had a rough life that has shaped her in ways i can't even imagine (so pray for my wisdom). Already I am experiencing the changes that come with parenthood in that I am having to cancel my plans for tomorrow night b/c i can't leave my child...not that I am complaining, it is just a fact of life that happened with no warning. One minute i am a single woman, the next I am a woman with real responsibilities that come with complications most parents don't have.

I am excited and nervous all at the same time. This is something I prayed about before getting into and then when I though God may have been telling me to wait, He very obviously said NOW!...and today i have a child. After months of the process, He has chosen to place this girl with me. I am terrified of all that could happen. Yet I know God has a purpose. He placed this child in my care and He will take care of everyone involved.

The person who brought the child to my house is not her regular case worker. She was a little disappointed b/c she has a 12 year old in mind for me to take. We will see what happens. I am praying God's guidance and wisdom. This is going to be an interesting, trying and rewarding journey...and so it begins...

I made the mistake of watching the Bachelor this week--which was highly entertaining for Brandi, who I watched with--and boy did it make me mad! What makes me more mad is how this is the life and entertainment our world is accustomed to--this is "reality" television. Really!

Why on earth would you set yourself up for heartbreak like that. Having your heart broken in the real world by some guy who decides you are not worth his time or trades you in for something "better" or who just doesn't work out is bad enough, but to voluntarily go on television where the world is watching as you let yourself get sucked into someone's lies about how much you mean to him when 10 minutes later he is kissing some other chick saying the same thing...well, you get my point.

All this being said, it was just one more reminder of how out of sync i am with "reality." I truly live in a different world...a world where I want the guy who likes me to like only me that way, to be kissing only me, and to wait until we get married for anything else. Is that really so far fetched? Am I crazy for wanting and waiting for that? And why is it that so many other Christians out there do not feel the same? Are we reading different Bibles? The Bible is clear and still just as true today as it was before. God does not change. His expectations do not change, yet we think we can do what we want with no consequences b/c surely He didn't mean that.

I have been told in the past (by a completely worldly person) that I would never get anyone to date me b/c i am not willing to go to bed with them and any guy who knows that would drop me in a heart beat. Well, my faith in Godly men is not completely shot b/c i know a few who are single and are 110% committed to Christ and following His word. However, if that statement made turns out to be true and I am single for the rest of my life, so be it. At least I can know I did not compromise myself just to combat the loneliness. And yes, sometimes it is lonely, but i refuse to settle. God has that godly man who is to be my husband out there somewhere...and when we meet, God will let us both know we are meant to be together.

My fear is that all these young impressionable teens and girls are seeing these shows and relationships portrayed in television and media and getting the wrong idea. They are learning they should settle and compromise themselves instead of standing up and being who they are with integrity. Yes, you will be ridiculed at some point, but that is nothing compared to the loss of self respect and the emotional turmoil you will add to an already difficult life by giving yourself to any and everyone or by compromising who God has called you to be for the sake of some guy. How can I help them value who they truly are and hold on to all God has for them in a world where that is the most backward thinking anyone can have?

This is just one of my many frustrations with the world today. This world is not my home and i truly feel like an alien in a strange land most of the time, but God has called me here for now and until He calls me home, I will live for Him and hopefully be an encouragement to others to do the same.

changes not so good

So I made a realization this week that has been 9 years in the making. I know there are some things...many things...about me that have changed. Some changes (most, i hope) have been for the better, but not all. One of the changes has been in my openness with others and in letting ppl in. Don't misunderstand...i am very social and good at talking with ppl; and I have great friends who i talk to about things, but i am very good at talking about myself without really saying anything. I have perfected the art of talking in circles. I have also gotten very good at keeping things to myself.

After my dad died, my pain obviously revolved around that heartbreak. It was all I talked about b/c it is what consumed me. Sometimes it still does, but i don't really think anyone wants to hear that all the time, so i hold on to it. For years I have associated the fact that I am not as open with ppl as i used to be with that, but that is not it at all really.

My first mission placement was beyond bad. I had a pastor/supervisor who made accusations against me that could have resulted in a federal investigation, "friends" who i spent all my time with who made up accusations against me that I chose not to fight after the first time b/c it wasn't worth it, and a church who decided to believe the lies of those two families.

My second mission placement began with supervisors who badmouthed the person who had just spent the last 2 years with them. They had control issues like you wouldn't believe. You can imagine we weren't the best of friends. I stayed out of their way, did what was expected, and did my own thing when they were gone...stayed under the radar after the first 2 months of torture and a huge blow up. That worked for us.

So, it is no wonder I am hesitant to voice my opinion or let ppl in...not that I don't ever talk to anyone...but i definitely need to learn to open up a little. I think i am trying to protect my heart (which just got broken recently b/c i let someone in who didn't value it) or trying to protect them from having to listen to me or worry b/c they are far away and don't need to be concerned with my problems, or protecting myself from rejection and criticism (I criticize myself enough, i don't need it from others).

It is odd though. We are all critiqued from time to time, but the critiques of random ppl don't bother me. I don't care if you agree with me or not. It is the fear of disappointing ppl i think i am close to (or want to be close to) that debilitates me.

I have never really considered myself a ppl pleaser, but essentially that is what i am. Now, I don't mind rocking the boat if it is for a cause I believe in. I don't particularly like confrontation, but i can do it. However, I go out of my way to make other ppl happy or comfortable. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but can be when it means I am selling myself short or not voicing my opinions.

I am an independent person. I am intelligent person. I am a woman of integrity, creativity, positivity and joy. But the person i described above is not displaying those characteristics. Those are the characteristics of a wounded, broken individual who has let the world and Satan dictate her actions, thoughts and feelings to a point where she does not even believe in herself. Who have I become?...and where is the real me?...or is this it?