All grown up...

So I have finally decided to grow up and enter the real adult world. Which really means I am signing my life away and buying a house. Oh my...i am actually settling down. Who would have thought it possible I would actually be in any one place this long, and buying a house. Now that is what I call commitment. :~) Anyway...here I am posting the street sign of the soon to be "street where I'll live," the empty lot that will soon be covered, the sign that shows I am leaving my life of stress free housing, and the bar that has to have a place in the new home b/c Bobby built it. Just wanted to share...I will be posting updates as the home progresses b/c I am ultra excited!

Oh, and just so you don't worry, I will never completely grow up!

Only time will tell

We've heard it said "time heals all wounds." Just so you know, that is such a lie. Time heals absolutely nothing. It just gives you more time to think about the hurt. GOD, however, heals more than just wounds. He heals the aches, pains, wounds and scars. He helps us face the worst and come through it stronger and closer to him.

In the face of tragedy i can not even begin to speak of, my uncle asked me yesterday if "it" get's better. I told him no. I know you guys are thinking that was wrong, but I hate that when my father died everyone told me it would get better with time. That is a stinkin' lie! It doesn't get better; the pain never goes away; and some days the anger even comes back.

...And don't go thinking i haven't dealt with this...I have...I know my father is sitting at Jesus' feet and that he is where he has always wanted to be. I would not really wish him back from that, especially since that is ultimately where I want to be. However, I am still human.

I miss my dad! It breaks my heart to know that if i ever actually do get married he won't be there to walk me down the isle. I hate that he never got to see my nephews or see where my life has taken me. His death rocked my entire family so completely on all sides I don't think anyone has truly recovered. I know we haven't as a family.

All this being said...i have been told that b/c I still get so upset in June and Dec. (anniversary, father's day/birthday, Christmas) and at other random times that i have not dealt with it. Trust me, I know God has used me with ppl i never would have met b/c my father died. I also know, I probably would never have ended up where I am today had he lived...doesn't mean i don't miss him. But God has worked in and through me during all this...and continues to do so. I have been able to connect with ppl I would not have been able to understand. I feel more deeply and I care about petty things less (sometimes to the dismay of others)

So, time has done nothing for me, but God has! Every day He reminds me why I am here (though sometimes I listen better than others.) Time offers what you make of it. I could easily become angry and bitter, or depressed and despondant, but since I hate being miserable that isn't really an answer. Besides, if i am to truly honor my father, i will live my life according to God's standards, let go of the bad times and remember him for who he was to me, who he was in Christ.

In our current family devastation, I believe ppl make choices without realizing their magnitude. But all choices have consequences that reach much farther than we could ever imagine. I don't think God wants us to make poor choices, but neither does He force our hand. I do know he understands the pain, hurt and anger and wants to take it from us and hold us through the rough patches.

However, we should not remember ppl for the bad choices, but for the ways they helped us grow and change. We can learn and grow from each other and God can bring us through the choices we make, good or bad. I am thankful he does not hold my poor choices against me.

I also know this...God can take whatever we have to say. I recently expressed my anger to a friend and my struggle with not wanting to be angry. She told me God doesn't care if i'm angry, it is how I deal with the anger that makes a difference (how many time have i said that myself?) So if I am happy, sad, frustrated, devastated, broken hearted, or furious all I have to do is give it to God and allow HIM to work in and through me. He will handle it all if I let him.

Visitors

So my aunt and uncle came to visit me last week. They originally had planned to go to KY and come back through here, but those plans changed so they went to the mountains in north GA and then came over here...not exactly on the way (I am so loved). It was great to spend time with them. We really did absolutely nothing but hang out. I took them to downtown Franklin, put them to work setting up for church Sunday and showing them where we meet, but other than that we just enjoyed seeing each other. Of course I took no pictures so I have no proof, but it was a great treat for me to be able to see some family, even just for a short time!

Long Overdue

This summer has been absolutely amazing...a mission trip to TX, an incredible kids camp, constant growth, great friends, and unbelievable community.

Several of us were blessed to be able to hang drywall in a house hit by Hurricane Ike last year. It was HOT and hard work, but we managed to finish a day early due to great team work and ppl who just would not give up.

I don't even know where to start on the kids camp. We spent a week taking 60+ kids out into the community each day to serve. They went to nursing homes, weeded houses and city property, picked up trash, decorated and delivered cookies to police officers, school employees and fire fighters, collected food for the food pantry and stocked shelves, and more. After many hours of sleepless nights, little food, buckets of tears and much sweat and brain power, the week was a great success. God opened doors, hearts and minds. He redefined perceptions and is still working through that camp, though it has been over for weeks.

My personal growth through the summer continues to be tremendous. I can not begin to tell you the things I am learning and having to lay down, not to mention leave behind. This is always a continual process, as God is patient enough to gently remind me when I start to get in the way of His work in and through me.

Growth in others also continues to be a blessing and encouragement. We have seen someone who wasn't sure if he even believed in God a couple years ago send an email out requesting prayer for a family member, families we have been in contact with for years are beginning to come to Grace Park and explore questions about faith and Christ, who continues to draw many to himself. Community groups are turning out in full to move a member or provide for someone in need. The people who make up the church are being Christ to one another, just as we are called to do.

I think this is more than enough for now, but I could go on for days. This is just the beginning.

Hitching Widows

NO, this is not about setting anyone up.

So the first big events started when my neighbor came over to tell me the black widow we found at her house the other day was outside again last night...and another neighbor of ours (who did not believe us when we told him how big it was) saw it and sprayed it down with hair spray (I just want to know why they didn't torch it). We found it last week and I burned the web, sprayed into her hole with a cleaning solution containing bleach and just wrecked her home...

Well coming to tell me, she did some searching around my place and found one in my bricks, so i got out the bleach spray, some long matches and went to work. I managed to destroy the egg sack and infuriate the spider. I finally ended up filling her hole with sand (she'll prob be back tomorrow, and very angry). I actually ended up destroying three different nest, provoking 3 or 4 different black widows and killing one...and do i feel guilty about this?...only slightly. I am usually the person who tries to teach the kids not to be afraid of bugs, but spiders that can kill my neighbors two children do not make it to "live and let live" list.

Here are some picks she took of one of the spiders (before I smashed it with a pole while it was hiding in its hole)




The next event of the day happened after enjoying a relaxing night with some friends at a bonfire. I am driving down the road @ 11:30 or quarter til 12 and see these two kids walking, no hitch-hiking down the street (6th and 7th grade). I drove past, but immediately turned around after praying and feeling God tell me to stop. I go back and ask where they are going and someone comes up behind me and someone is coming toward me at the same time, so I had to go past a little for the car behind to get around and to turn around. I see the car coming toward me stop to talk with the boys and can tell they say I am going to give them a ride.

I took them to one of the boys houses all the while trying to pump for information. I don't think they were lying to me about where they were coming from or going, but do not believe they were entirely forthcoming either. They told one boys sister to tell his parents they were going for a walk and just decided to go all they way to the other guy's house.

The road they were going to have to walk on was not a short distance that time of night, nor safe to walk on ever. The hills and curves alone would have been enough to cause an accident, but add the darkness and craziness of nighttime drivers....

My social worker/behavior specialist concerns are this...why were they out?
~Did the parents know, why would they let them walk that time of night
~If the parents at the house I dropped them off at were drunk as they say, should I have taken them there
~Where were their shoes (it wasn't a short walk in a subdivision)
~was the other car that stopped just a nice passerby like myself or not

All being said, I have no doubt I did the right thing. They were going to that house regardless; better go by me than get hit by an unsuspecting car flying around a curve in the middle of the night...and yes, i gave them the riot act for being out late and for hitch-hiking.

My prayers go out on their behalf...and for their families...something was off, but that is just a feeling i have, not because of anything said (oh, and the fact they were out so late)

don't worry, i don't usually pick up hitch hikers...I was definitely prompted

I went to my friend Brandi's house late tonight to watch Bride Wars thinking I am in for a fun chick movie. A little way into the movie there a scene where Kate Hudson's character has just told her brother she is getting married, then runs from the restaurant. Anne Hathaway follows to find Kate almost hyperventilating, saying she just needs a moment. Anne says "I know, I wish your parents were here too" At that moment I knew I would not make it through the movie without crying.

Later in the movie Kate's brother is getting ready to walk her down the aisle and I loose it. I told brandi it was coming, next thing i knew the flood gates had opened. Not a few tears and muffled sniffs...no, hysterics. Some days I can watch something like this movie and be fine. Obviously today was not that day.

It probably doesn't help that the wedding date in the movie is the anniversary of my father's death, which is coming up in just a month (7 years). The past few years I have just made a point to go out with friends without telling them i was battling the pain until days later if at all. This year the pain is starting early (okay, it never really leaves)

There is just something about watching a movie with a character missing her parents on her wedding day and being able to relate. The no brainers in my wedding (who would walk me down the aisle and give me away) are now some of the hardest decisions I will have to make. Somehow that does not seem fair.

Don't worry...i have dealt with it...i am at peace, but the pain never really goes away. I will always miss my father. And certain circumstances make it that much harder. Thankfully i have friends who are understanding and allow me to cry about it when the need arises. They actually fuss at me for trying to hide it and not cry.

Bottom line: I miss my father!

oh and just to answer the questions i know will come...no, I am not getting married and God has still not brought us together yet...but the thought process is still the same

footprints

As I think about my title and description, I can't help but wonder....who has left the lasting footprints on your life and what would you say to them today? Have they made you a better person or a bitter one?

. ...to be continued...

Different

It has been a little over a month now, but a few of my friends and I went to "Paint and Pour" up in Brentwood for a ladies night. We all painted the same picture, but they are all so different. It is interesting how we can do the exact same things, but because of our distinctly unique personalities the overall effect of each one is different. My picture is shown at the top.

Now I have to tell you that she would intermittently pick up our pictures and show them to everyone to show our progress. When she picked up my friend's next to me she said it was dainty, which Lacie then shared how that was how her husband picked her engagement ring. He said it was dainty like her....

So, she picks up my painting (and just to let you know, the flowers are designed the way she had them in her painting, and before I started texturing my tree) and what word did she use? Different...

Now is that a polite way of saying weird or ugly, or just a compliment in and of itself? I don't know, but I do know it is a common word used to describe me, from ppl who know me well and from those who have just met me. I hope that is not their way of saying something is wrong with me and they just tolerate me...

No, I am kidding. I take it as a compliment. I am different, unique if you will--always have been. Sometimes I wonder if I am in the wrong century though...

I went out this weekend and as I am sitting at dinner with these three ppl (one friend I met here who has moved away, his best friend who I only hang out with through him, and another friend of theirs I just met--thank goodness she was there) I am realizing how out of touch I really am. They all have their high tech phones out (I had left mine in the car and it is so far behind all theirs), facebook profiles...the list goes on.

As the night goes on, we go to meet up with some others who are out bowling. Now keep in mind I am the only one who going into this night knew two ppl present. As we are hanging out bowling and speaking to another girl whom we all had just met, she asks me if I am involved in a group (which is how they--about 7 more ppl--are all friends) As I answer with a negative, one of the guys I was with is sitting across from me and we are both laughing at how obviously out of place I have been all night.

Why the long story? It is just another example of how different I am....don't worry, i took none of this in a negative light and I had a great time meeting new ppl. It was just an interesting night that reminded me that I tend to stand out in odd ways sometimes. Maybe I should join this century and start watching tv, upgrade my phone and join the facebook world, but liklihood being, I will not.

Living Sacrifice

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
the desires of my heart
I surrender all

Let my flesh
be buried in Your forgiveness
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
my attempts to stand on my own
I surrender all

Turn my independence
into dependency upon You
Make me a living sacrifice

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
my need to feel important
I surrender all

Let my pride
be turned to humility
Make me a living sacrifice

I give You
Control of thoughts, words and deeds
I surrender all

Let my brokenness
draw me closer to You
Make me a living sacrifice

My life is not my own
I surrender all
Make me a living sacrifice

Everything

Today, as we were prayer walking for our upcoming egg hunt and Easter service, a friend recalled something she said to our 3rd-5th graders last week. She told them God is everything. All day I have been thinking this phrase, so this is what has come to mind, and yes, it could easily go on forever....

When Darkness surrounds me
You are the light that chases it away
You are everything

When the burden brings me to the ground
You take the weight and help me stand
You are everything

When my heart is breaking
Your Spirit fills the gap
You are everything

When my tears seem ceaseless
You wipe them away
You are everything

When I feel all alon
You hold me in Your arms
You are everything

When laughter fills my heart
You are smiling with me
You are everything

When music fills my soul
You are my dance partner
You are everything

I am nothing without You
You bring meaning to my life
You are everything

I am learning daily what it means for Christ to be everything. He makes it possible to "be content whatever state I am in." There is no hope outside of Him. It is so easy to fill my life with things other than Him, yet I am never satisfied when I do. My desire is to truly allow Christ to be my everything.

Surprise!

Sunday night I am sitting in worship (which is a miracle in and of itself) and Jason is making announcements about our fellowship time and adds that there is also a surprise housewarming shower for the children's pastor. I think I almost fell out of my seat! So, ppl start coming up to me asking if i am surprised and laughing at the bright red shade of my face. How this happened without me having a clue. Really I knew a couple ppl wanted to give me something, but had no idea the magnitude. It was great...a wonderful encouragement. I know i am loved, but this just made me want to cry with overwhelming love and grattitude.

To top everything off, Amy D. kept asking me if I had opened any of the presents, which of course got me thinking. So, when I got to the house where I was dog sitting, I took all the card and the gifts inside to open. I found a gift from my college roommate and her mom. Amy had gotten Ashleys info when she came in Oct "just in case" What amazing friends I have!

So, what did i get?...a vaccum cleaner ( I am so excited), bar stools for the bar Bobby built, cheese grater ;), gift cards, candle set, paper products, step ladder. There are no words to express my love and grattitude. I am overwhelmed with blessings from my church family and friends! I will post a pic of the bar at a later date.

The Devil's Defense

Whenever Christians start turning their hearts closer to God, seeking Him more and striving together to grow closer to him, satan starts to panic...he pull out all the punches. I am blessed to be in a Bible study group, an accountability group if you will, with 3 other ladies. We talked when we went into this about how Satan would stop at nothing to keep us from it. We have all been hit with various obstacles lately, sickness, discouragement, etc. But it isn't just us...many ppl are being attacked right now in so many different ways.

I have this feeling God is readying hearts for something big...maybe it is our summer events, new personnel, or simply a revival of hearts and souls to HIM. I feel Satan trying everything he can to prevent, halt or taint this ...whatever it is. I feel our church is being attacked from so many angles; my friends are being broken; I am being flung this way and that. Satan's only defense to whatever God is preparing to do is to get us off focus, off guard.

He is throwing his lies in my face and I am struggling not to believe them. Of course the day I wake from a dream of a random person I've not seen in years and wasn't ever friends with in the first place, who pointed out all my faults in front of my friends who did not stand up for me, is the day Satan decides to remind me of a heart breaking issue from several years ago. Something happened that broke my heart and the ppl involved still to this day have no clue. I acted like i understood and let it go. Usually i don't even think about the issue, but today I did and the lies of unworthiness and patheticness that come with it. All day I keep coming back to how i am not good enough. Satan throws that lie at all of us, it just comes in different forms (not a good spouse, parent, to date, at work, with kids, etc). Mine is always the heart of who I am and how I am called to serve.

Don't worry, i dont believe the LIES, but overcoming them is a major battle. I told some of my accountability group last week it is my drug. I am addicted to believing the lies, thus rendering me ineffective in my witness for Christ. You must also know the day I am struggling with this the most is the day I forget to do major tasks that I do every day at work, multiple times a day, but somehow missed today. (thankfully my boss thinks it is the drugs he gave me to overcome the sickness i still can't shake)

I was able to talk through a lot of this with a friend this evening and we realized she is being fed the same lies. Hers just come from a different angle. Satan knows where and how to hit, but i have news for him....the battle is won and guess what YOU LOSE!!! In the meantime, I just have to continue to draw from Christ's strength and rest in knowing HE is inside of me and makes me worthy, because "I am not my own, but Christ who lives within me"

Iron sharpens iron

I have been carpooling to work since I moved to Spring Hill...saves money on gas and gives me company, which considering i like to talk, is a good thing. One of the greatest things is that at least one of our conversations a day is always spiritual. Jason and I hash things out (which is funny b/c we usually pretty much agree, but we hash all sides anyway) and lay out different views and cover the verses concerning whichever subject we are on for the day. I love these times and have missed some of these conversations with friends and family from the past. When I lived in Baltimore, there was a guy who used to enter into spiritual debates with me regularly. We didn't always agree, but both brought our points with our scripture to back it up and sometimes came to a conclusion, while other times our conclusion was that we disagreed. We always walked away feeling sharpened and still close friends. Anyone who knows me well knows my passion for Christ is one of my favorite things to discuss. I could (much to many ppl's dismay) discuss spiritual questions and musings all day. That being said, these carpool discussions are exciting me!...and making me think.


On the other end of that, there was someone else in Baltimore I used to have the same type discussions with, but we both were entering them with wrong motives. Neither of us wanted to learn anything or grow, but to prove the other wrong or show each other up. I learned the hard way how not to have a spiritual debate...God keeps my motives pure and lets me know when i am starting to get into the wrong mode of thinking. It is so easy to be self righteous, but God reminds me that too is sin. Now, I just try to use conversations such as these as a cause to reflect on His Word and learn what I can.

i despise sickness

So, for the first time in four days, I woke up hungry...big accomplishment. The problem is, I have now been up almost 2 hours and am going to be returning to bed soon. The congestion in my chest and head is not going away and my throat is starting to hurt. I have to make it to work tomorrow, so much rest today! You would think being in bed for four days straight would help some, but no, i am still sick. Just for the record, I can't remember the last time I was this sick for this long. I do hope they will give me drugs at work tomorrow if this is not gone...of course, Lynn will probably shoot me in the tail (i think she secretly enjoys torturing ppl)

On a good note...I made it through church last night, then stayed up a few more hours. I had not had a fever since sometime the day before, so felt safe, but took hand sanitizer for each time I coughed or sneezed. I plugged everything in with an antibacterial wipe and wiped everything down before I left, just to be safe. The sad part is, i would not let the kids hug me. I stayed with the older ones, so they understood not to come close, but a couple of my younger kids; (3 and 5) who always make my day by running to me like I am their most favorite person ever; started coming toward me and I stopped them and told them they couldn't hug me, but we could blow kisses. Of course they looked crushed (I am so mean) and asked why. I explained that I have been sick (which only sort of helps b/c I let them lay all over me when they were sick). Anyway, they blew many kisses and left.

When I got home, their mom sent me a text saying Cadence (the 3 year old) got in the car and promptly asked if they could pray for 'miss mandy.' Isn't is sweet to know these kids are learning the importance of praying for others already (Good job Josh and Chanda)...and it made my day. Makes me feel honored!

So, this is for people like Bethany and Linz...and everyone else who continuously encourages me to become a blogger...we will see how this goes...

I sit here starting this when I should be doing something productive with my time, but my friend and I have been talking about starting a blog for our church, to more easily share praises and updates with all you who are no doubt tired of waiting for months at a time, then getting a book or two. We figure between the two of us, we can keep it up regularly and reach more ppl.

That being said, I kind of figure I should try to start on my own before I start on one much more important...that way I can learn on this one and do a better job on that...and I can share other random personal information that you all want to know on this that would be better left unsaid on the church site.

sorry for the lame start.